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OH we go Part 1

DarkStar's picture

Flippin pinch me, is this really happening??
Background....and beware, we're headed into Jerry Springer territory here.
DH is the product of both his parents' 2nd marriage.
DH mom/MIL had two kids from the first marriage (Sis1 and Bro1). The dad up and left with his secretary and moved 1000 miles away.  Sis1 and Bro1 never see him or their new half brothers/sisters.  MIL gets CS
DH dad/FIL had three kids from the first marriage (TX1,TX2,TX3). They divorce and the mom takes all kids to Texas. FIL pays CS and rarely sees the kids.
MIL and FIL get married and have two more kids, DH and pBIL (prison BIL).
DH is half-brother to Sis1,Bro1,and TX1,2,3.  DH is full brother to pBIL
MIL/FIL/DH/pBIL/Sis1/Bro1 grow up together. We all still live in the same area except Bro1 who lives 2 hours away.

TX1 is a felon, spent many years in prison. 8 years ago, during the brief time he was NOT incarcerated, he managed to knock up a very trashy woman (TXBM) who had already lost custody of her three previous kids and DCFS was going to take custody of the baby after it was born.
Here come MIL/FIL to the rescue and they adopt the baby. They don't tell ANY family until it's all settled and TXBM had given birth. We go see the baby and meet TXBM and white trash doesn't even BEGIN to describe this woman. DH/pBIL/Sis1/Bro1 are pissed that they did this behind everyone's back and WTH are they doing raising a newborn when they're in their 60s???? FIL is retired, MIL is still working. FIL does most of the caring for the baby. When conversing with DH, I refer to his parents as GrandmaMom and GrandpaDad.
I wanted to take that baby and run home with her, but DH and I weren't even engaged yet and the whole adoption thing was a done deal.

Life goes on....babygirl (BG) is seen at family events. She is obviously missing milestones and is growing up in front of a screen. Then a series of events......TX1 dies in prison. TXBM drops off the face of the earth, MIL/FIL were in touch on FB before she disappeared. FIL gets very sick. Multiple hospital stays. MIL loses her job. FIL cannot leave the house and does not attend family events anymore.
Xmas 2019, MIL is verbally and borderline physically abusive to BG in front of 20 family members. We were all horrified. At my urging, we start taking BG about one weekend a month, we are Aunt DarkStar and Uncle DH. Then Covid hits. Holiday family events start taking place again, but the weekend visits do not. BG is in preschool so I figure she's doing OK. During family events BG is a whiny, tantrumy mess. Her speech is delayed and we all know about kids that are 5+ years old and still in diapers! FIL is infirm, has a home health aide 3 times a week and MIL does everything else for him.

3 days ago, DH gets a call, MIL is in the ICU. Insulin is off the charts, looks like diabetes type 1. Turns out MIL has been sick for a couple of weeks, BG had not been at school for almost a week. MIL calls 911 on Tuesday, in full diabetic ketoacidosis almost comatose. DH gets a phone call from FIL home health aide about taking BG, since we are first emergency contacts for her. So off we go, pick up BG.  MIL/FIL house is a MESS. Cat pee smell everywhere. Dirty pullups in BG's room, no clean clothes. Yep, 7 years old and BG still wears pullups to bed. I am supposed to return to the office this week, so I make arrangements to work from home.  BG is in first grade, but her school is an hour away from us, so I am trying to keep her occupied while I work from home this week.

As of today MIL is still in the hospital, but out of the ICU.  Her insulin and A1C levels are still not under control.  FIL is not doing well, even though he has limited time by himself.  He lost track of the days and his meds are all off.  pBIL is looking after FIL, but says that he is confused and not making much sense.  There is no WAY that they can take care of a little girl, the doctors said MIL needs home health care for a little while, and they can't decide if she has type 1 or 2 diabetes so we are waiting on an appointment with an endocrinologist next week.

Oof, this is taking forever.  Part 2 will be forthcoming.


JRI's picture

I feel for you and I see a trainwreck approaching...

DarkStar's picture

LOL.....I should have added.......can you guess what's coming next?

Oh, and we are almost empty nesters, SS18 is a senior in high school and is set to start an automotive program after high school.  We were supposed to go to GREECE next year!!!!!   **cry**

advice.only2's picture

I know it sounds harsh, but you guys don't have to step in and take her, she could be put into foster care and adopted.  Your DH's parent's heart was probably in the right place when they opted to take on this task, but they should have figured out other options once both their health started failing.  I feel really bad for you guys if you do opt to take her in and keep her, you've got seven years of neglect to undo, and given the bio parents backgrounds  she probably will have issues regardless given her genetics.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

100 percent. That little girl deserves the best chance at a good life, with younger parents who can manage her deficits.

If you were to take her, your in-laws would want to still be involved and it would just be very messy and confusing for the child.

DarkStar's picture

I have been struggling with this decision, cried a couple of times.  You're right, we DON'T need to step in.  And the genetics part is very concerning, too.  So far, other than some neglect, there doesn't seem to be any physical or mental disabilities.

MIL has BG on Vyvanse at the ripe old age of 6 for ADHD.  I can tell that the Vyvanse is causing some tics......same thing we went through with SS18.  I don't really know if BG legit needed the meds, but of course, we are giving it to her in the meantime.

advice.only2's picture

My DH's brother just adopted their grandson (4), they are in their mid 40's and his job is looking to downsize and he is first on the chopping block, my SIL doesn't work due to some issue.  While I think it's admirable of them to have taken their GS in, I just think they have another 14 years of raising a child, then college, and if he has to find a new job....eesh. 

Rags's picture

We have very good friends who have adopted 3 at risk/gay questioning boys out of the foster system.  So far, two of the boys have been returned to the State. The first one fell in love with one of his two dads (our friends are a married gay couple), the second was molesting other kids on the school bus and at school and was sent to a state behavioral modificaiton camp school where he assaulted a teacher. To eleminate the financial/legal risk both of those boys represented our friends disolved the adoption and both of those kids were surrendered to be wards of the State. Their 3rd son is a day by day project. He has a fire problem and has nearly burned their home down a couple of times.  He has spent at least two 6mo stints in a state behavioral camp/school.  It is IMHO a day by day decision on whether they will dissolve that adoption as well.

I get the good hearted intent.  However, some kids are not salvageable and some good hearted people do not have the resources or the life horizon to be able to reverse devistating experiences that these kids have lived.  Your ILs, in hind sight, bit off more than they were capable of handling from a health perspective.

I am sorry BG, you and DH are experiencing this. 

As for your MIL and her BG and A1c.  A1c will not fully align with improved blood glucose for 90-120 days.  Glycogenated hemoglobin dwells for ~3-4mos.  Normalized BG takes time to stabilize and drive sustainable improvements in the health of diabetics (either T-1 or T-2),  I am not a doctor but I am a 41+ year T-1.  I live this stuff 24/7.  I truly hope your MIL can get stablized and keep her head in the game on her diabetes management.  Being an uncontrolled diabetic is a miserable experience.

I suggest this book. It is my go too guide for blood glucose normalization and diabetes management.  PM me and I will be happy to send you a copy on me.  I do not have any business interest with the author or publisher. The book/solution has worked very well for me in the 20 years I have been following it and working with my own Endos using this information.  You can read potions of the book at the website.  The author has been a T-1 for 70+ years.  

Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution, low carbohydrate diet, control blood sugars (   

 Take care of you.

Good luck.