You are here

Appropriate or NOT?


So I just wandered if about a situation that seems to keep happening in my hell of step life. It isn't a big deal so to say but seems odd.

BM contacted MIL/FIL about going to SD8's grandparents day at school. BM contacted them directly, MIL was the one that told DH about it. DH even asked is EXMIL/FIL going to be there with ya'll too? DH kind of chuckled but MIL looked horrified and said IDK.

Here is the backstory which is why I say this is odd. First off MIL/FIL do not like BM. BM knows they dont like her. They dont talk to her, dont call her, and haven't went out the few times she's picked up the SD's from their house. BM didn't call MIL/FIL when DH and BM were together for these things, nor since they have been separated. So what's up?

I think BM is trying to get MIL/FIL to pick SD's over DD. Well DD is only 14 months so no school stuff for her anyways. But BM has been withholding the SD's from DH, so why is she inviting the IL's to their school stuff.

MIL/FIL said they were going. I will have to see what happens. I'm sure MIL will call me, I won't ask mind you.

Just curious if you never had a relationship with your MIL/FIL during the marriage and right after, why would you all of a sudden start inviting them now, ummm 7 years after the divorce? Would you contact exMil/Fil after your divorce, if you didn't have a relationship with them during the marriage or directly after?

These weird.


MIL/FIL won't tell her not to call when it involves the Gkids so that's why she's using them. I know it's just a ploy to irritate me but I just think she's pathetic at this point.

If MIL/FIL want to go, go. If they dont, then dont. MIL usually tells me everything that happens when BM calls or when they went to the Skid event last time. I dont ask, she just says, guess what BM did blah blah blah.

I said well you know BM better than I do. FIL can't stand the sight of BM. FIL never talked to BM the entire marriage, so why would you invite them? So pathetic.


DH has limited his contact with BM. DH doesn't care if she calls the ILs to ask this stuff really. I just thought it was odd and some agenda. I'm sure we'll see what it is soon enough.

Usually MIL won't answer but BM gets the kids to call.

twoviewpoints's picture

It's Grandparent's Day, not so unusual to invite the grandparents. Why this year over say not last year? Who knows. Maybe your MIL is the only grandparent this year that might be able to attend for the kiddo.

These things sometimes mean a big deal to the children And no child wants to be the only child there that has no one attend for them. There's nothing inappropriate of MIL/FIL attending their grandchild's school event whether the BM and the father are divorced. That doesn't make them not the grandparents anymore. The event isn't for BM, she's not going. All she did was invite the child's grandparents. They can attend or not.

I fail to see the big conspiracy you're trying to see/find in the invitation. Trying to get to you, trying to snub your 14mo old baby? Seriously? And BM doesn't need to pre-discuss this with your DH or have your DH issue the invite for the child instead of BM. BM called. She issued the event invite. No biggie. Now your in-laws either go or they don't. Don't the in-laws interact and have a relationship with their grandchild on a regular basis anyway.

I don't understand why you think this is some evil plotted plan. Perhaps they were invited or agenda other than the little girl asked BM if she could ask them to come. My exDIL sends me and my mother (greatgrandma) info every year on the grandparent events at my GS's school. We go. We never see BM there (it's not a parent's event) never do anything inappropriate. We just spend part of the school day being honored by GS and sharing the special day. No biggie. It means a lot to GS.


I never said it was inappropriate for the Gparents to go. I asked if it was inappropriate for a BM to call directly to them, she has had NO relationship with the Gparents and the ONLY time they see the Gkids is with DAD.

So no the Gparents do not have a relationship with the Gkids outside of Dad's time. That's why I asked the question. There has been a series of things BM is all of a sudden doing. There won't be any events for my baby as of yet and if their is Gparents can go or not go.

Gkids dont call or anything the Gparents until these last 2 events. First a t-ball event for YSD and now the Gparents day at school for YSD.

I just find it odd to call up 2 people who openly hate you. Why not tell DH and he can convey this to his parents? But whatever!

twoviewpoints's picture

But if the event is a school day and not on the father's time (not his day to have the kid), why does BM have to first consult with the father. It's not his time and he really doesn't have a say in what goes on during his non-time. If this was a non-school day and on Dad's visitation time, of course Dad should be informed (for one the child herself my not be attending the event).

Same as the ball game. If the game is not on a scheduled father time day, why does Dad have to be consulted with whether the grandkids can invite their grandparents. If the in-laws dislike the BM so much, I doubt they are planning on racing over and sitting with BM and being all comfy cozy. If they went, they went to see the kids play. Not to see BM. Not to visit with BM. They either go or they don't, but IMO you're expectation that everything first be ran pass Dad and then if Dad wants to he issues the invite is ridiculously inappropriate. It's a ball game in a public place the grandkids are playing at and a grandparent day at the school , it's not like BM is calling them and inviting them over to her house for dinner and birthday cake. And yes, even if the times the grandparents see the kids is on Dad's scheduled parenting time, the kids are having a regular basis relationship with the grandparents. So it's not inappropriate to think the grandkids themselves suggested the grandparents they know and love be invited to the school's grandparent day.

Grandparents have big hearts (well most of them) and they don't only love the first born grandkids. they tend to really love the next and the next and the next. Unless you notice your in-laws ignoring your 14mo old, not anting to get to know baby blah blah blah there's no reason to believe that the kids (skids vs new baby) will be a competition for their grandparents love and affection.

Just my 2 cents from a stepmom, a stepgrandma, a bio-mom and bio-children...I love all my grandkids and would be very upset if anyone tried to turn it into some sort of competition as to which one I should love more or shed more attention unto. I attend things for them all I do things for them all and my heart is big enough to think of each one of them as 'special' to me.

twoviewpoints's picture

Not sure if this was for under me or not. I'll answer it anyway. Bm sends my mom and I the info because the events happen on school days during school time. My son is working, if I go to a school event for GS during Monday-Friday during school hours, it doesn't affect him. He couldn't care less if BM sent me an email with the info and extended an invitation to Grandparent's Day at school.

Son knows I'll go if I want to or not go if I'm busy. He doesn't feel a need to try to control the situation. I'm a big girl now. I can decide for myself if I go or not. I also attended the school time Chirstmas concert during GS's grade school years. BM would send the info. I'd respond to email 'yes I'm coming and plan to attend the one at x time'. This way she would know and she'd attend the one at z time so GS had someone at each performance (school had two 'shows', one afternoon, one morning as it was a large school and too many people for with just one show with the available setting arrangement).

There is also the sports event that GS participates in. I go to lots of them. BM does send the season's schedule. Yes, DS also has the information. There really are no 'arrangements' to make. I know when they are and I go if I please. Neither BM nor DS are so insecure or threatened by each other that I attending or being invited to attend a child event on school or sports is a big thing. Both DS and BM respect the relationship between child and myself . Neither tries to control it.


I dont think it's money motivated. I think it's to hurt DH. DH has recently within the last year started/enforcing boundaries with BM that he hasn't before because our marriage was close to being over. I couldn't take the constant intrusion into our life by BM and DH allowing it all.

BM would text or call DH at least once a day. DH shared things with her, like we may have to give up our dog because we were financially having a hard time. NOT her business and it was my dog, not his anyways. DH would answer BMs questions about my pregnancy and when the baby was going to be born, NOT her business.

So I had to have a come to jesus with DH and told him I couldn't do it anymore, boundaries have to be set or I had to go. So now BM is withholding the kids, they are sick, they want to do xyz, etc etc.

My D9 told me that SD11 told her, she doesn't want to go to these cousin's partys etc MOM MAKES US GO. They always fall on DH's time. That's his problem now, I have disengaged from the kids. I think the whole thing is some new thing to get under DH's skin so he will go back to talking to her.

Shaman29's picture

The other thing is you don't have to worry about her pitting SD against BD. Your SD will be roughly 14 or 15 when your BD enters school, so any choosing one kid over the other, by that point will be irrelevant.

I would just take it for what it is, she had a crazy moment and invited all of the grandparents.

onthefence2's picture

A couple of things. My IL's didn't like me much either (can't stand my ex-MIL) but a majority of our issues came from exh alienating us by lying to each of us about the other. It was easier to control us if we did not like each other and would not communicate other than through him. The only reason I desire communications with the in-laws is because they are my kids' grandparents and it is wrong to deny my kids their grandparents even though my exmil drives them crazy as well. As kids and gparents get older, we realize their days are numbered and the urgency grows to keep them in their lives. They will not be here forever. Also, if you have never been divorced before, it can take YEARS to get your shit together. I've been divorced for 7 years and I'm still having PTSD even though most of my hours are great. You never know what somebody went through in their marriage. It's funny, some of you are married to monsters, and you just don't realize it yet, but you judge the bm for having issues after being married to your husband. I am great friends with my exh's first wife now. I wish she could have warned me.

momandmore's picture

I can see both sides.

Maybe.. just maybe BM is trying to do the right thing in her mind? You say there are a lot of circumstances that aren't listed and the INlAWS never liked her.

BM is withholding SD's, (why isn't Dad doing something about it) BM could be doing it to hurt him.

With my BM and past dealings... my immediate thought would be that BM has something up her sleeve. But every situation is a little different.

I honestly don't think it has anything to do with your LO unless BM is trying to travel back in time and be the Daughter in Law. Our BM is delusional like that.