You are here

I HATE my stepkid. The end.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

I haven't posted in a very long time / took a break from the internet and forums because I felt like the negativity and reality was sucking me down into a dark place.

That said, I just loathe my stepkid. I hate being a stepmom and I wish upon all wishes I could've met my husband before he had a child with his ex. Everything about my SK complicates everything... and after years it's only seemed to get worse. 

I don't even need to get into the details, you guys already know all of it. Disrespect, enmeshment, attitudes, lack of privacy, etc. It makes being a step parent almost not even worth it because of all you have to give up. Even disengaging comes with its own set of f%#}ing strings attached that you have to maneuver. 

I've been a stepmom now for a while, 7 or so years. I used to frequent this forum constantly and think "that'll never be me. I'll never be this disgusted BY A CHILD"


So here I am, eating crow. Because I'm definitely at that level now and everyone warned me. 

CLove's picture

Back then you didnt know what you didnt know.

I find it comforting to be here, not only to ask for advice but to also give advice or empathy. So, dont eat the crow just yet...

Yes, things that were annoyances before bother more and more as the collection grows. How are you doing? Two very young bio kids and a petulant parttimer that does the usual annoying things, I went back and read your posts.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Perfectly stated!

my life when it's my own nuclear family is great! Everything in life (family, career, hobbies, etc) is wonderful except my situation with my SK. I should definitely count my blessings, it could be worse. But damn if it isn't annoying! 

Gemini's picture

How much custody does your DH have? Does he call her out on her behaviour?

Hope things get better for you. The preteen/teen years can be tough. 

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

It's around 60/40 and DH does call out behavior but some of it is so engrained it feels bleak and hopeless that it'll ever improve. We're just trying our best with what we have, but we both somewhat dread our days with the SK. 

strugglingSM's picture

Here here! After years of alienation (but not to the point of where they stop coming around), both Skids come to our home just to spy for BM, tell DH he's terrible, and demand that DH spend more money on them. It's miserable. It's also pretty sad, because when I first met DH things were not bad with SSs. It wasn't until DH and I had an established life that BM upped her alienation game to convince everyone that DH (and I) were terrible people who were just out to make SSs feel bad and deprive them of what they should be entitled to. BM has won, DH has largely given up on trying to influence his children and barely has a relationship with them (we are not allowed to know anything about what goes on when they are with BM, which is 85% of the time). Now DH and I have kids and the whining about DH abandoning SSs has already started (from BM, skids, and in-laws). He hasn't abandoned them, BM marginalized him and he just gave up fighting her (because it really just esclates, there is no compromise). DH may be perceived as the "bad guy", but really it's the miserable BM. By "winning" the one-sided competition for best parent, she has simultaneously destroyed her children. Congrats to her. I should feel more sympathy for skids, but now that they are older and have only ramped up their role in BM's antics, I really just wish they weren't around. 

Someoneelse's picture

I'm sorry, yes itoo used to be the "No matter what I won't hate sd, it's her mom's fault she had such a hard time coping" type of step mom. I ALWAYS thought I could at least balance out some of BM's influence on sd, be the positive role model... but nope, sd's personality is 100% BM... just as much a lying manipulator as BM is. I hate her... I'm not mean to her, i don't take my disdain out on her... i just grin and bare it... but i do hate her. 

caninelover's picture

It's totally ok to not like your stepkid.  That's all I wanted to say Smile

Also - while it's difficult conversations- tell your partner about your feelings.  Either he'll hear you (eventually) if he won't.  But that will help you to know whether to stay or go 

Good luck.

tfsimmons's picture

You'll never "eat crow" here... Take a deep breath and know that you are lifted up with understanding and support.  Let's be grateful for finding this site - where we can tell our tales we can't really share anywhere else!!  Peace in your Heart, Sister!

Harry's picture

DH take care of SD.  If he can't she goes back to BM.  Make a woman cave. Where SD is not allowing in.  It's call locks on the door. It DH kid, it's his problem to handle. 

Rags's picture

No need to eat crow over the actions of a failed parent for a spouse and a toxic Skid.

Just take care of yourself.

Mar's picture

Just logged in after long time too. Read your message and feel consolated  . You're not alone and it is completely understandable. 
I'm a SM for 20 years, (and BM for 18 with DH). OSD has started recently to drive A wedge beteeen us. She does not use the family app anymore and only informs DH. Invites him to a première not me and complains to him about me. DH sees this and tellls her but she denies or says it is because of me. And this is just the next chapter in a long long line. Same enmeshmrnt as BM always did and alienation has slowly done it's job. Contact is minimal, we have always done something wrong etc... after 20 years of trying I'm in the same place as you are. My DH knows and the wedge is working . 

Mommymode1985's picture

I feel terrible bc I despise a 5yr old. Twin steps 1 boy 5 and 1 girl 5. The boy will be ok maybe bc of his connection with my husband but the girl ... the girl is a carbon copy of BM and the psychotic shit just ... I've never seen this in children and I've been a nanny, mothers helper, sitter, live in nanny my entire life since 8yrs old. I even went into early childhood development after high school and dropped out to have my 1st child. But the awful scary behaviours I've never ever seen in children and it's scary. I cannot stand her. She lies, manipulates, the terrifying things she says. Steals, hurts her brother. She will BITE CHUBKS OF HER OWN FLESH OUT huge gaping chunks and blame it on her brother just to watch him get spanked as punishment bc she likes to watch ppl cry. She said she likes to tell ppl she loves them bc when they smile she thinks to herself haha ur stupid I actually hate you and she feels smarter then then and she loves to control ppl. She will befriend ppl in the park and try to push them in front of swings or off slides. She will PUSH herself in between my husband and I and he says nothing. She said she wants to marry daddy and hopes I die bc I'm a bitch. SHE IS 5. I honestly wonder if she's possessed or sociopathic. I started writing down the shit she said to show my husband bc I feel like no one saw it bc no one cares! If this was my child I'd have her getting help! I fear for my safety in my home and he's fu king oblivious. I never thought I'd despise a child and it makes me feel terrible and I feel even worse that my HUSBAND KNOWS how I feel and ignores it. When they come right is wrong and everything is backwards and he's different person for sure. I feel like being with him means I have to be in danger for the next 15 years. He was with her for not even a full 2 years. Just enough to knock BM up and that's that. I literally predict BMs behaviours bc she is SO predictable but my husband can't see the truth?

I so feel you and I'm scared and sad and Idk how my husband is so fucking blind. Hugs. This isn't your fault. The men we chose are weak and I fear I wi never ever be able to relax and be feminine and be a stay at home mom. All I wanna do is have children and have a home and be loved and nothing goes right. 

CLove's picture

Nanny cams.

It will get worse.

tfsimmons's picture

To two 50+ year old SDs... DH turning 80 soon and experiencing concerning health issues...  Fortunately, both SDs live hundreds and thousands of miles away - but their Narcissistic Addictive Mental Disorders try to keep fingers in Daddy's pockets instead of actually getting therapy and having lives...  This site has saved my sanity, my soul and my marriage.  Yes - we did attend counseling and it helped immensely! Deeply love and appreciate my husband - and will protect him from those vampires best I can!   So many young SMoms out there, burning their prettiest days and all their energy expecting self sacrifice will change the outcome...  I pray they find strength thru our seasoned StepStories and want better for themselves and their own bios!  
Thank you to all you kickass keyboard StepSisters out there!!  "I'll be fine and dandy, Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas..." Dolly Parton's lyrics sing my heart's song!!

PB's picture

I also dislike SD very much. Her behavior, the way she talkes, the way she acts, that she is not a clean girl, that she is messy and what you say she does the opposite, that she is 10 but even don't know how to use the toilet correctly, the way she talked loud, and many more on the list...