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Step Life


So yesterday I was talking to a couple of good friends, who are aware of my situation. They are from two different backgrounds, meaning- 1 is/was always a single mother raised her kid - 2 was married/single mother for awhile/remarried recently inherited a grown stepkid.

Now the first one doesn't understand alot of what I say because she never had to deal with anyone else's children in the way I do. The 2nd one says she would sit down with DH and BM and tell them BOTH what I will and won't tolerate out of this situation.

If either have a problem then tell them they can GTFO. I told them that I have seen a stepfamily counselor (who actually was a stepmom, twice, wow) and she advises against that, says it's DH's job to handle his ex.

The 2nd lady said she sat down with her ex and his new wife and just said, I expect xyz and that's it. But to me that's different because #1 she is the BM in the situation, we all know BM can do what they want #2 the new wife was receptive and knew the BM before she got with her ex.

We talked about lots of things, the disrespect, how dh handles his kids, the ex all of it. I basically laid it out. The 2nd lady is a pastor, she is a very nice person and I totally adore her. She asked me if I thought it was a good idea to get married to DH (I am already, pointless) but I answered honestly and said NO. She was really taken aback. Her #2 question, do you love him? I told her I don't know because honestly I resent him soooo much.

The first lady, said "wow never heard you say that". I told them both I have disengaged what that meant, the counselor agreed I should and that I was suffering my consequences of getting caught up in love and not using my head, why should everyone else in the situation not have to have consequences too.

They are good friends and I wish I could have the relationship the 2nd lady has with her husband's daughter but everyone was open to it. The BM and skids in my case, do not want me to have a relationship with the SDs. Have I ever heard BM say it? No but I can't tell in the kids actions and in her actions when things have happened in the past.

I am still debating over giving this relationship the chance again or just mentally checking out. I also have trust issues to add to all of this, all the men in my life have been shit and treated me as such, so yeah there's that.

I suspect my husband of cheating, he does suspicious things but I have no concrete proof. He works construction and his schedule changes rapidly, like an hour before he all of a sudden has to stay. I think back to when we were dating and he'd say he was working but if I pressed he'd find a way to leave and come see me. Maybe I'm wanting something to make the decision for me, IDK.

blayze's picture

You might just want to vent, but in reading this, so many things come to mind... one is sadness. So huge hugs to you, woman! You'll get through it.

1. If the BM doesn't want your new family to blend, it's almost sure to fail.

2. Your resentment comes with the territory...yet, it does go away with time (and no more mistakes by your hubby).

3. Friends never really understand. I have had more luck talking about step shit with perfect strangers. Once, it was a bartender in a restaurant, and she was way younger than me, had no kids, never dated a man with kids, but FELT me and offered me some angel on earth.

4. I hope he's not cheating. Sad That seems like the worst outcome of this type of relationship. As bad as it sounds, just hope he doesn't want to come home since you're probably always mad at him.

I wish you peace either way you go.

yaknelle's picture

blayze is right. If the BM doesn't want your new family to blend, it will surely fail. My husband's ex left him for another man but still calls, texts and finds reasons to see him almost every day and he allows it. He even texts her out of the blue if he remembers something funny they'd talked about. He takes my skids to his mothers on weekends he has them and doesn't try to see me or my kids while they are around. The BM texts me and says despicable things like the skids come home talking about me. I've contemplated divorce. I pray for you as I'm right where you are!

Stormyweather's picture

Is it possible to follow him if he tells you he is working?

I would try and find out about whether he is cheating or not before anything to do with the skids as thats a definite deal breaker...then you have your answer.