"Adult" 18 YO step son
Well, the time is almost here where my "Adult" step son is going to graduate! He found a place to move to and his mother told me the other day that he is scared to move out. She told him i had offered to let him pay rent and the offer still stands and to speak with me. I immediately told her that was not the deal, I told him months ago he will pay rent here and his reply was "im not paying you rent to live here!!!"
I had a talk with him that once he graduates, he is out of my house! I have made his life miserable the past several months so he found a place to live and has said he cannot wait to get out of my house. Now that the time is closing fast, he is getting nervous and is having second thoughts on moving out. In the next month, i believe things are going to come to a head and ill see if my wife and i get through it or not. I am standing firm on him getting out of my house whether he wants to or not! I know that it sounds harsh, but ive dealt with his attitude and disrespect for 4 years and will not take it another day once he graduates. Not sure how the wife is going to take it once i sit him down and tell him to start getting his things packed and ready to move so i can turn that room into my fishing/ guest room.
Any advice on how i should handle this with my wife? She protects him to the bitter end and does not want him to move and has voiced it several times. I refuse to budge with my decision reguardless of how she feels about it. I dont want to sound like i dont compromise, but this issue i absolutely refuse to. Just looking for idea on how i can handle this so its not a big argument. I feel like i should sit down and speak with her about this before talking with the kid. Any thoughts???
Mike
Looks like it's time he took
Looks like it's time he took his father up on his offer of taking him in and working with him. Win-win. He'll be out of your home, he'll be with someone that he and his mother both know so he won't be out on his own, he'll be learning a trade and getting first-hand experience of the working world.
Agreed!
He has 2 different opportunities and on both he refused to do and wants to stay in this town. Im just happy in another month he will be out of my house. I actually feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!!
It sounds to me like you are
It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. He needs to get out on his own and maybe learn to appreciate what you and his mother have done for him when he has to start doing it all on his own.
Sometimes that's what kids need to grow up.
we will see...
He is so used to having everything done for him that i dont know how he will make it in life. All i know is that once hes out, that is it! He will no longer be welcome to stay at my house. There will be no moving back in because of lack of job, money etc. Its sink or swim time and i will NOT budge on my decision. I have made it clear and will once again later this month right before he leaves.
The Right Thing
You're doing the right thing. Reclaim your home and your peace. If your wife can't handle it well then she probably never will. Good luck!
Thanks!
It will be nice to have some peace and my own space for a change. That will help me alot. She is already upset he is going to move out and i think that she has probably spoke with him about staying at the house and not moving out right now. Thats why i will be talking to her in a couple weeks so that she can let him know he needs to start packing his crap and getting it ready to go so i can go and fix the room up and fix some drywall and make it my guest room again. I know that she is going to get upset with me and it will not go well but i am not going to budge an inch. I have dealt with enough crap the past 4 years with him and wont do it any longer. Counting the days now!
The burning platform does not
The burning platform does not get any hotter than the one you have lit under your Skid.
We had to light one under my Skid as well. He graduated from HS at 17 so we have him till his 18th B-day on our dime. He/we had a great summer though with the looming B-day he grew increasingly sullen and withdrawn. The last event of the summer was a great road trip that the three of us took to return him home after his final CO'd visitation with the SpermClan. We felt the last thing we could do for him was to get him home and the hell away from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. He called and asked if he could extend his visit by two weeks and have his B-day in SpermLand. We agreed and reminded him that he would be 18,there would be no CO, and could make his own decisions at that point.
To hedge our bets we had flown my BIL2 to accompany his sister on a road trip to SpermLand so she would be there to pick SS up at the end of his extended final visitation. The idea being that he would have a much harder time telling his mom face to face that he wasn't coming home.... if that was his intent.
I then flew out for the last family pre launch road trip.
Once we got home, his life changed. He had the choice of being a full time College student, working full time, or part time student and working part time. He was interested in none of those options. He did man up and let us know that he recognized that school was important and that he would eventually get his degree but he was not ready to put in the effort and it would be a wasted if his time and our money for him to attend college at that point. Though disappointed I was proud that he was self aware enough to have the confidence to have that conversation.
He also was not interested in a job. As sofa rodeo rider was not a viable career option for him, we turned him into our live in beck and call boy. We worked that kid's butt off.
After about 5 months of scrubbing, polishing, sweeping, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, washing, folding, weeding, trimming, painting, slicing, dicing, chopping, cutting, cooking, serving, and cleaning up 8hrs/day he finally asked for a ride to the recruiter's office.
He just celebrated 10 year service anniversary in the USAF and re-enlisted for 6 more years. He will do at least 4 more after the current 6. His mom and I are very proud of the man we raised together.
You may be well advised to sit down with your DW to discuss the launch plan and other details of the burning platform campaign to get SS-18 to launch. Booting may be effective but it may not be a survivable plan for your marriage. Working his ass off and building an ever increasing existence of abject misery may be a way to get what you want and keep your marriage.
I have been fortunate. My DW and I have always been cooperative in parenting the Skid. She was completely on board with the work his ass off burning platform launch model.
What a plan you had!
That sounded like it worked well for you!
For the past 4 years i have tried to get him to do simple chores to no avail. I ask him to take trash out and its a fight. moping, pouting, stomping around the house....its absolutely crazy! 18 and acts this way??? If his mother were to be on board with me i think it would work great, but when i try to work him, he has an excuse that hes sore, his arm hurts, has a headache....anything you can come up with and then she tells him to take a break and lay down and rest. So you can imagine that whatever task i was going to have him do does not get completed. Labor work? forget about it. anything that involves lifting, hammering, bending is totally out of the question. I have never seen him do anything laborious in the 5 years ive known him. There is always an excuse as to why he has to stop and of course his mother sides with him and lets him get his way. I dont see any other solution but to give him the move out date and say hasta la vista baby!
Oh, we had to invoke a state
Oh, we had to invoke a state of abject misery to get him to perform. I shut off the smart house system on our way out the door every morning for work. No internet, no cable TV. His phone was on our plan so DW would suspend his phone if necessary.
If he did the day's chores, he got to stay home the next day and do that day's chores. If he failed, we left him on the door step when we left for work the next AM with no key, no water, no food. He learned the nirvana of the garden hose. Once either his mom or I go home from work, he had to complete the previous days chores and today's chores... or he was on the door step the next day. He only tested us twice with not getting his crap done.
His mom did give him more leeway on keeping his cellphone active so he could text/call friends, but.... this was very early smart phone days and his phone was not capable enough to represent a huge distraction.
At 18, food, water, shelter, and connectivity are all at the pleasure of the adults in the home. A thirsty/hungry day makes a huge impression and starts to build the understanding that it really is in their best interests to launch rather than be entirely dependent on someone else for their comfort and existence.
10 years later, my SS-28 is kicking butt having completed his first 10 years in the USAF, recently signed up for 6 more, extended his current Germany assignment to 4yrs, and working, though slowly, on his Bachelor's degree at his pace and on the USAFs/Tax Payer's dime. He recently completed his ASCS degree through the CCAF. He did his mom and I a huge favor by enlisting. We were expecting to spend $100k-$250K on his full meal deal mom and dad college scholarship. Instead, that money is in our retirement investment accounts.
If your mate cannot keep her foot up his ass, then the fixed in stone move out date is likely your only option to force your SKid to launch. Fortunately, my SS responded to be being our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch and realized that a roof over his head and food in his belly was not adequate for the amount of drudgery work we forced onto his shoulders after HS graduation and his 18th b-day. He really has done amazingly well as a viable self supporting adult.
His mom and I are very proud of him.
I really like that idea
What a great idea! If only my wife would stand by me and agree to something like this. There is no way she would ever do this to him because he would be upset at her and give her a guilt trip that she would fall for immediately. He knows that it works and does it every time him and i get into it and runs to her and she takes his side right away.
I wish i could do this same thing as you, but think the only thing i can do at this point in this situation is just kick his ass out and be done with it. Hopefully the marriage survives that, but if not oh well, i wont have to deal with his crap anymore!
Congrats to you and your wife!
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Delete duplicate
"she tells him to take a
"she tells him to take a break and lay down and rest"
OMG and he's only 18!!!!! Does she realize that she has crippled him for life? Not only has she stopped him from doing anything useful but she has also stopped him from learning anything useful. Life on the outside is going to be one helluva shock. She might have to go with him when he leaves to hold his hand through life's trials and tribulations (yes, that's a suggestion *diablo* ).
Oh i know it!
He is going to be in for a huge shock!!! I just cannot get her to see it no matter how many conversations i have with her. She refuses to see where im coming from. I think she knows but cant bring herself to being more strict and firm with him for fear of upsetting him. His father is a deadbeat and has really pulled alot of crap in the time ive been with my wife and she is always there to pick up the pieces. The "im sorry momma" and tears flow and she just melts and feels bad for him and he knows how to play her.
I come along and im strict and no non-sense and he doesnt know how to take me because that doesnt work on me and i follow through with what i have said with past things so he knows where that line is with me. Now i am beyond that line and just want him gone...no matter if hes upset, scared, mad...i really dont care. She can either stand with me on this or leave. Like i told her the other day, i am totally done and cant do it anymore so he is OUT after graduation!
It is great
Tell your wife that it's great that he will be independent and how good that is for HIM...wanting the best for our kids includes helping them to be independent. It will help his self esteem etc. Ppl he dates will be more impressed that he's independent instead of living with mom.
Most ppl my age launched at 18. He can do it! Keep encouraging him despite momma not wanting to cut the apron strings. Better now than in 10 years!
10 years?!?!
Theres no way i could possibly let that happen. As pissed as i have been the past couple years, i would just tell her its over and get divorced before id let that lasy POS live in my house! I have already got it set in my mind less than a month and if it gets to the point where she wants to try to have me extend it, i will absolutely blow and i know that will set her off but i really dont care anymore at this point. I wont subject myself to any more stress of dealing with him living with us. Either he is leaving next month or they all can pack up and GTFO of my house period! I am not bending on this one. I have waited for the past 2 years for this to roll around and have had my fill and he is out. I need my stress to go down and that will help alot.
I have had that talk with her and she agreed with me but she still coddles him and doesnt want to let go. She says he will have to learn on his own but in the next breath does everything for him. Boggles my mind
Rather than blow a gasket, I
Rather than blow a gasket, I recommend the steely, calm, soft spoken though stern approach when she pushes you to extend.
"For 7 years I have attempted to work with you on raising him to be a capable self sufficient young man and you have done everything possible to coddle him and turn him into the disrepsectful, whiney man sized baby that the is and i am done supporting him and having his toxic presence in my home. He will move out on Date X one week after his graduaion. If he attempts to avoid actually graduating he will move out on what was his scheduled graduation date. Not one cent of our marital resources will go to support him after the launch date. You and he created this mess and now he will live the consequences. His father has offered him a job and a place to live. His friend has offered to bring him into the fire departmen. He has choices. But he does not have the choice to remain in our marital home. When he visits, he leaves when it is our bed time and not second later. I am excited about the next phase of our lives together but this is happening."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I like that!
That is very well put! I know she will blow a gasket but as long as I stay calm and firm I am not going to worry about how mad she gets.
our marital home is actually my house I purchased about 2 years before we met. This is why when I say my house, that is actually what it is. She as actually never contributed to the payment or insurance since she moved in.
I had a talk with him today about walking on my seeded lawn trying to green it up. He was upset but didn't give me attitude. When he left to go back to school he walked out and walked right across the lawn after being asked 20 mins earlier. It's things like that which set me off. Totally disrespectful in my opinion. Im going to ask once more here shortly when he gets home and then will take to another level. He's really trying my patience!!!!
Thank you for the reply! Im going to have that talk with her. Have a great day!
Pull the distributer cable
Pull the distributor cable out of his car next time he walks across your newly seeded lawn. When his car won't start, don't say a word until he cranks up enough for you to give him the single finger wave over, point at his foot prints, and ask him how his car is running? then hand him his Action cable, and inform him that next time he walks across your newly seeded lawn, you will have his car towed.
Action.... consequence....... review...... adjust.
An escalating level of teen Skid misery is a great behavioral modification tool.
Use it.
IMHO of course.
Uh Rags, cars haven't had
Uh Rags, cars haven't had distributors since I was skinny and blonde.
Just loosen the battery cables.
Lol. True.
I like the classics.
The battery cable or losening an alternator cable would work fine on fuel injected modern cars.
My ex has raised a whiny,
My ex has raised a whiny, dependent, totally lacking in life skills 23 yo daughter.
Towards the end of the relationship he actually said to me "everyone else has such a problem with me paying for her. It doesn't bother me and it's my business"
Enjoy living with her for the rest of your life.
I would definitely talk to
I would definitely talk to her and keep repeating the same conversation until the day he is expected to move out. Force her to deal with it.
Thanks!
Yep exactly what i have been doing, She can tell im not budging on it at all. Pretty much daily i bring it up and mention that next month he will be moving and i cant wait to have my spare room for my Dad when he visits. I figure the more i mention it the more it will sink in to her.