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Say I Love You and not

TooManyStepsBetween's picture

TooManyStepsBetween's picture

The topic is saying I love you and not meaning it. I feel like this may be popular among this group. I honestly don't love my step kids I won't say I hate them but I don't feel love for them the way I love my dh or my own kids or anyone for that matter, but it's common practice to say I love you in passing or any time they feel like spouting it off either to impress dad that they are sweet little angels or because of their own insecurities but I feel dishonest saying it anymore. 
Too many things have come to pass in the past several years to allow me to feel anything for them anymore but I don't know how to get beyond this. I am about 80% disengaged from them all and pulling back even more but I think I'd be the evil one if I stopped saying it, whether I meant it or not.



ndc's picture

They're just words.  In my family (meaning my parents and siblings), we rarely said I love you.  We showed it all the time, but said it infrequently.  From what I've seen, I think my parents' families were the same way.  DH and his family (and also BM and hers) throw those words around constantly, so much so that they seem almost meaningless.  That being the case, I think they have a different meaning for DH and the skids than they do for me, and I have no problem using them with the skids.  Now, they're good kids and I do love them, but it is not the same way I love DH, my family or my DD.   I have no real desire to be constantly saying I love you to the skids, but because it is the norm in their family and would be striking in its absence, I do it anyway.

GrudgingSM's picture

I don't say I love you and I won't. It would be a lie. It took me 20 years to say it to my stepmom and I think I'm the only one of my siblings that says that to her. I'd be fine never saying it to skids.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Hell would have frozen over if I told my ex SD i loved her. Although I'd "love her" to take a long walk off a short pier. Does that count because that is coming from my heart and true. Wink

Harry's picture

Your feelings are not going to change anymore.  SD did what they did. Nothing is going to change that.  Stop feeling guilty about how you look. They don't care how they look. So why should you. 

Just deal with SK from afar.  Let DH do the heavy work, Stop paying for SD. Don't do anything for them. In the end you will feel better by not being step on and disrespect 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I married into a female-dominated family of pretenders and rug sweepers. Everyone was very smiley, and said I Love You all the time. 

During the early years, I thought I had the problem as I come frome a repressed, undemonstrative family. It didn't feel right to throw that phrase around, especially to people and skids I hardly knew and did NOT love.. 

Eventually I realized it was all a facade. These brittle, phony women (SILs and OSD, aka The Coven) didn't love me, and actually I was swimming with sharks. My DH and SILs had grown up with an alcoholic mother, so their norm was to smile and pretend everything was okay. There was a veneer of bonhomie on top, but underneath old issues, resentments, and dysfunction simmered. The amount of cognitive dissonance was Orwellian, and to be included I had to keep eating sh!t sanwiches and playing along.

Disengagement happened because I just couldn't pretend anymore. IMO, saying I love you all the time is a red flag; it's insincere and inauthentic. I prefer people who say what they mean and mean what they say. if I tell you I love you, it's heartfelt and true.

queensway's picture

I don't say I love you to anyone but my husband, bio's and close family and friends.  Although I do end text or phone calls with" love you" to some people.  But if I don't really love them I would not say it. Just be authentic and go from there.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Absolutely not, it would be a lie and I am a terrible liar. My truth is written all over my face. I jokingly say to people all the time thank goodness for having to wear masks because people can't see what I am really thinking.

I do say I care and that's the truth. Because I do care and want what's best for them. I want them to live a full and rich life. To be happy and healthy. I want them to grow up to be independent and successful. I genuinely wish the best for them. 

Do I believe these things will happen no. Because I seem to be the only person in Thier lives that has Thier best interest at heart. Where as both parents do not. Instead of putting their efforts into molding their children, they focus Thier efforts on selfish interests which is being the favorite and loved the most. 

Rags's picture

My XILs were all about this.  My XW would be a hag from hell.  There were any number of drives to XIL clan extended family events when her fangs, scales, and horns were in full view and she would rag on me about some crap or another for the 4+ hour drive to her Grandmother's farm for an extended family event, then we would park, get out of the car, and her fangs, scales and horns would retract, she would put on a huge smile, take my arm, and we would walk into the event with the aura of a happy couple... except for the scowl on my face.  My XBIL knew what was up and would always walk up, hand me a fresh beer, and shake my hand and apologize for me being married to his sister.

I gained clarity over the course of that 2.5 year married and gained even more clarity after I escaped when she ran off with her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy and we divorced.

So... meanwhile 9 years after the divorce and back at the ranch..... XMIL went to federal prison for embezzling $Millions from her long term employer.  She was arrested as the family walked out of court when the business owner sued all of them to recover what they had stolen collectively over the decades. My XW's share of the settlement with XMILs boss was $2Mil. The only people in the XIL clad who escaped that slaw suit were my XBIL and his wife who moved out of state 8 years before XMIL went to prison.  XMIL, XFIL, XW, and XSIL all were nailed for $Millions of liability in their collective settlement with XMIL's boss and his family.

I dodged a huge bullet getting out of that mess without polluting my own gene pool with their genetic crap.

A lot of things that made me go Hmmmm? back then became crystal clear when I discovered the embezzlement scheme that the XIL clan had profited from for decades.

Their facade was pretty good, but the closer you got to it, the more noticeable the cracks were in the fake marble plaster coating of their genetic stench.