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My stepchildren are older than me.

Sense.and.Sensitivity's picture

Sense.and.Sensitivity's picture

Darn it... what I typed didn’t appear. Here’s what it should say: 

Longtime reader of this forum, and I have to thank everyone who’s posted because I’m fairly certain you’ve all aided me in some way. Present circumstances have made me realize that I need to put myself out there, however, and so here’s an introduction to my story. 


A few years ago I met my husband at work. Despite our ten-year age gap that made us both a little embarrassed once we discovered it, over the course of a couple years he and I became good friends and eventually got together after he finalized his less than friendly divorce (his ex-wife had been cheating on him for years, and he discovered it when he got home from deployment overseas).


My H adopted his ex-wife’s two kids from her first marriage (as he was her second marriage) and I wholeheartedly consider them his children because he raised them for the most part. However, it’s been a bit awkward due to the fact that since they were already older kids when he met them, they’re older than me by a few years. He has two— the SS is six years older than me and the SD is three years older than me. When the Skids first met me as his girlfriend, they didn’t really like me. I’m sure they blamed me for their parents’ divorce (no telling what the ex has told them), but I figured that was the norm. Since then we’ve had a couple rough times, but now as crazy as it sounds we’ve been amicable for the past few years that H and I have been married. 


Fast forward to today, where H and I have a home together and are thinking about adding to our family. Well, now he’s thinking of it, and I’ve no desire any longer...


A few months ago, SD rang our doorbell at 6 am because her mother had dropped her off. SD and I have had our moments, but I honestly believe her to be a caring, sincere, and kind person— even if she is a bit infantilized. She quit her job in another state after 6 months because “it was boring” as she put it, and after staying with her mom for a couple weeks her mom just brought her to our door. 

Obviously we were both shocked, but as my husband stayed downstairs trying to angrily contact his ex-wife, I led SD to our guest room with her bags, got her some tea, and made her comfortable. I felt sorry for her— she had no car, no savings, and nowhere to stay. My H and I agreed to let her stay for a while until she  figured out what she wanted to do, because what else could be done?  


Fast forward a few months, and I’m ashamed to say that I’m beginning to regret my decision to be so helpful. She’s still a good person and we’re still amicable, but since she’s moved in and we’ve given her her own room it’s just been overwhelming. Even after many conversations about privacy and boundaries, she refuses to recognize that our bedroom is OURS— and that she needs to knock before trying to enter. She insisted on “helping” with rearranging my craft room when I politely asked her to leave it be (spoiler alert: she didn’t), she doesn’t help around the house, she’s shown no desire to get a job that she feels is “beneath” her, and it’s gotten to the point where it’s strained H and I’s marriage— especially as my talks with her have become a point of contention. As a result, she’s slowly become more and more comfortable in being rude to me. She overheard us talking about seriously starting to try for a baby in the spring, and she became very irate and interrupted our talk with, “Well where would it go?” (Yes, she said “it”.) 

I didn’t know what to say and H replied, “We’ll make space for them.” I now want no baby if she’s living here, because it would be hard enough without a negative Nancy.


H is a good man, and SD is a good person for the most part, but it’s gotten to the point where I feel like Marie Antoinette— despite being the queen, she had no agency over her life and felt trapped. I feel like with each passing day SD is further entrenching herself into our home, and as a result with each passing day I feel like I can stand it less and less. H and I have talked about it, but seeing as she still has nothing to her name and I couldn’t ask him to kick his own daughter out, he’s hopeful it’ll work out.


Some days it’s good, some days it’s bad, but for the past four months this has been it.  


I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this, so already it feels like a weight has been lifted. Thank you for the vent.











shamds's picture

I understand you both feeling sorry but sd left a job because she wasn’t feeling it. Well hunny newsflash the bills take precedence over you not feeling it...

dropping her off at your door at 6am or more like dumping, holy crap!!

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I would reason with your partner to give her four weeks to get a job and start looking for somewhere to rent- or he drops her back at her mothers. 

susanm's picture

This woman is older than you are yet you are responsible for her care and feeding?  Oh hell no!  You have every right to tell your DH that this is a ridiculous situation and it is up to him to fix it NOW.  How he does it is up to him but he needs to do it fast.  She can either take a job that is "beneath" her and move out like a normal person or he can do the dump and run at her mother's house in return.  Totally up to the two of them.  But no one in their right mind would think that this is normal.

ndc's picture

If my math is correct, your husband is only 4 and 7 years older than these "children" of his.  And they are adults. I do not understand why he feels an obligation to support the freeloading SD, especially at the expense of his relationship with you. I would make this a hill to die on. The SD needs to be made to leave, the sooner the better. If my DH didn't make that happen within no more than the time it takes to legally remove a tenant in your state, I'd be leaving.

hereiam's picture

“Well where would it go?”

I would tell her that's it's not necessary for her to refer to herself as, "It", but she would need to move out.

Seriously, you do not need a grown woman living in your home, being disrespectful and lazy and mooching off of you.

My DH and I agreed when we moved in together, that no other adult live with us. It is hard on a relationship, period. You add in disrespect, not working, and messing with my stuff....

Rags's picture

So, what exactly is good about an adult who invades another's home, is rude, digs into things she is expressly told to leave alone, does not help keep the home, does not work, makes no contribution financially, makes no contribution by effort, invades the personal space of others, inserts herself in personal discussions, etc, etc, etc..?

Hint, she is not a good person. She is a POS and she needs to be gone.  NOW!  The only "it" in this situation is the SD and the sh"it" that she is.

That DH is tolerating her presence and interferance in his marriage tells me that DH is also on the boundary of being far from a good person.

Since DH has no balls, it is time for you to inject the testicular fortitude into this situation and boot her ass.  You are an adult. She is older than you. So she should be capable of caring for supporting herself.  Call the locksmith, rekey the locks, and purge the POS from your home.  

As a Skid she will never be out of your life, but she should be out of your home.

Welcome by the way.  I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.

I am 12 years older than my bride of 25+ years.  Though she brought the Skid to the marriage.   Don't sweat the age difference.  It is the relationship that is important. Not the ages of those in it.

Good luck. 


Lady.Tremaine's picture

I private messaged you. If you'd like feel free to message back if you'd like some private advice

Don't feel shame for the age gap- but your husband should feel shame on letting an older woman besides his own blood move in . You were a saint to act back then. I truly hope you aren't a random troll because if you need help this is the place .

Keep being kind but tell DH the boundaries that are needed. If he disagreed to that call him Woody Allen. Document everything. And hopefully laugh at his face when divorce comes

I personally feel for you as I have a giant age Gap and unfortunately know now BM enjoys personally insulting me for it. It's not fun but hey at least there's no child support

Good luck Sense. And possibly sensibility.


piegirl's picture

Glad you feel that a weight has been lifted already. 

If your DH did formally adopt these 'children' then they are definitely his, as good as bio! I really do think you did the right thing when she was first dumped at your door - you were a genuine caring human being. It seems that you are now being taken advantage of. For your SD to call your planned baby "it" that's just hurtful.

I think it is time for you to have a discussion with DH about this skid who is older than you and not respecting boundaries, not contributing financially, not assisting with the running of the house. It's time for her to go. She needs notice and if that isn't followed I think you might end up having to do what BM did and drop her back there.

Booboobear's picture

Love the Marie Antoinette analogy! 

I was picturing a man when the wifes family moves into the house (a MIL, or a BIL or SIL) or comes with an extended visit.     Doesn't the husband go out to the garage some time to tinker?  (like RED FOREMAN)   doesn't he waste time making up stuff to do until the house goes back to normal?....HA, Ha, ha!!     I was imagining what would happen if when a DH's extended family came for a long visit, if a wife moved the crafts, bed, clothes,  mini fridge and snacks to the garage....then she put padlocks on the door and kept the garage opener in her purse for entry to and from the garage.  Ha, Ha! .......... Then told SD and DH that she need to have a little space for a while..... then let DH VISIT with her in the garage WOMAN CAVE when he missed her.  

I was picturing the husband becoming very anxious to stop having extended family there and wanting to move into the WOMAN CAVE with his WIFE.


2Tired4Drama's picture

And his sole input is that he "hopes it will work out."

How?  If there are no plans, no payments, no consequences then SD will never leave.  Why should she?  She is already establishing herself as the woman of the house, with you relegated to back burner.  

TBH, by making some assumptions, I think your SD is a second-generation glommer.  Meaning, her mother sounds like she glommed onto your DH and got him to adopt her older kids while he was in the military.  This meant they were secure with their housing, medical care, etc.  And perhaps the ex may get 50% of his retirement if he was career and they were married long enough. For whatever reason, your DH went along with this.   

Now let's look at SD.  She is older than you yet expects her adopted father (and you) to feed and care for her without any concrete plans for getting her life back on track after 4 months of lounging.   Is it possible she is following her mother's footsteps?  If so, then that explains why the ex was in a hurry to drop her off at your door.  Takes one to know one.  She wasn't going to support SD since she probably doesn't support herself, I'm guessing. 

Again, I am making some pretty broad assumptions and my apologies in advance.  But I also know that apples don't fall far from the tree.  

CLove's picture

Welcome to Steptalk. Glad that you have followed what would have been some of my FIRST bits of advice and read read read through postings on here, do searches on key words such as "failure to launch", "adult step" kids and so on. So you have an idea of what kind of things we do here and probably a decent idea of how bad this situation of yours actually is.

There is a LOT going on. I'll take it one thing at a time. I like numbered lists, I'm weird like that, it adds clarity to muddy situations and yours is a little muddy.

#1. Your SD is, as you say "a caring, sincere, and kind person". And then a few paragraphs lower you state: "slowly become more and more comfortable in being rude to me". These statements are in direct opposition to each other. Quite frankly, no she ISNT a caring, sincere, kind person. Shes a JERK. Shes a user. Shes trying to establish herself in YOUR home. She isnt helping at all, she is disregarding you. Shes isnt sincere, she was FAKING liking you, is my guess.

#2. You now dont want a kiddo because your DH is not making you the priority in this relationship. IF things do not improve for you, get out while you can still have kiddos of your own, make an exit plan of your own. These adults are not even your DH's bio children, and they are comfortable using him. I get that he adopted them, but they are using him JUST like their mother used him. I agree with anothr comment made above, in that their BM probably saw him as a provider and security. "First marriage for money second for love" kind of thing except she missed the money the first time. Im first time married, 51, and no bios, we make the same $$$. Not having my own bios is a huge regret.

#3. Make a launch plan, do NOT under ANY circumstances say nothing and sit back and "hope it works out". It wont, because this adult skid leech wont help herself obviously. So firstly give her a timeline of getting a job, so she can pay YOU rent and bills and food. I mean do you also pay for clothes and personal supplies and phone????? Oh heck to the no, the mooching stops TODAY. She gets a job ASAP. She has a Until the End of the Month, or shes out. I dont know if she has an education, but I assume not, so perhaps she needs some college classes. If she gets a job, then she can contribute to household, save for her own place. Give her a few months to save and move with 2 months deadline.

#4. Invasion of your personal space. Put locks on things. This will also help in #3. Make things uncomfortable for her. Its way too comfortable, to the point she is violating your personal space. Rearranging your personal space. I cant believe you didnt go bat sh!t crazy about it. See - your DH is too comfortable as well. I make my DH VERY uncomfortable when something happens that needs adressing. I did this with SD20. SD13 is awesome.

#5. Calling your hopefully future child/children "it". I cant even. But ok lets address this. My theory is that she plans on being Dadees number one and you are merely the live in mistress and how dare he have another child (inheritance- sucking child!!!) with his younger wife. Oh the horrors! She needs an exit plan (see #3 launch plan) because she obviously doesnt currently have ANY plans on leaving and probably plans on staying, that is until she gets a boyfriend, then he will move in too...

Welcome to the site!