Man child

Calico21's picture

Hi

I've been dating a man for a few years now, who has a child the same age as one of my own (11) I have 2 bio children and he has one, he has full custody because her mother passed away. My concerns are all over the place tbh. Firstly,  I find we aren't on the same page when parenting. My bf (40s) has lived with his mother for years up until he moved in with me. His mom is the agressive abrasive type who sees him as the golden boy of their family who can do no wrong. (Shes very narcissistic) She has constantly catered to both him and his child in every way!! Which has really affected things here since they moved in. His child is entitled and expects  everything to be done for her because this is what grandma has done.. up until she moved here, she never before even had a shower on her own. I feel like my bf and I do most of our arguing because of his child. Im constantly asking her to not throw garbage on the floor (please put it in the garbage can) hang up your coat,  turn off the light pls, move your dishes etc.. amongst many other things Im repeatedly saying every single day,  that I don't think i should have to say to an 11 year old. When I eventually have had enough with it, I approach my bf to deal with it, but he gets defensive instead and sees it as me picking on her. My kids don't need these reminders and while I am aware that kids are raised differently,  i don't think i should have to ask 6-8 times for something to get done every day. My bfs mother has been playing "mom" to this child her entire life,  so my bf lacks some serious skills in how to parent. I had a convo with him a few weeks back about how I felt like I went from being a single mom of 2 to a single mom to FOUR (yes him included!!!) We came up with some chores for the kids to do, because they don't help out as much as I would like.. it started off well, but after day 1 he started doing all her chores FOR her. I got annoyed.. we had a BIG fight about it and he moved back to his mom's.  Hes moved in and out of here quite a few times now, running to his mom with all our personal buisness and making me look like the bad guy. I have started to feel like im in a relationship with both him AND his mom, and its a huge turn off!! I also hate that he isnt independent enough to have his own place, hes always been content living with his mother and not paying rent. (He hasnt been paying here either)  i struggle having conversations with him because he's avoidant AF, and like a 5 year old when I attempt convos. Our smallest conversations end up in blown out proportions because he simply cant communicate with me. He mentioned counceling so we can learn to communicate better, but never made the appt.. so I did. The day of the appt, he cancelled it because i didn't send him an i love you text before bed the night before. I was SOOO annoyed by this. I love his child like my own, we are really close,  but I REALLY struggle parenting her, and I honestly feel like I'm doing it all alone.  I DONT feel like I have a supportive partner at ALL. My question I suppose is.. do you help this man "grow up" to be who he should be at this age? OR move on? I dont feel like things will change honestly Sad i do love him, but I am really uncertain if counceling would even help at this point.  I feel like I am a good communicator, i haven't had any issues in past relationships because of communication. Has anyone experienced something similar?

Calico21's picture

What a great question you've asked !!:) I have been sitting here trying to answer it in my own head. I suppose what keeps me here is the good times.. because they can be amazing!!! Sad but i know thats not enough. I know I've already given and done more than I should.  I suppose in my own heart, deep down I know that this isn't going to work out. Other than that, I can't even answer your question:( really appreciate the reply thank you!!:)

tog redux's picture

A good relationship is mostly good times, or neutral times, with only a few bad times. And the bad times don't involve the partner leaving and running back to Mama and badmouthing you to her.  The bad times might be a fight that you get over in a couple of days. If you truly find the good times "amazing" and the bad times "awful" (vs.normal ups and downs) you may be with someone who has a personality disorder.

Survivingstephell's picture

His mother has ruined two people.  You can not fix them , they see no need to change and are working at changing YOU to sink down to their level of toxic.   Do you really want to invest anymore time in this situation?  It's not a relationship, not in the true sense and the sooner YOU wake up to that fact, the sooner you can make changes to better your life.  

hereiam's picture

do you help this man "grow up" to be who he should be at this age? OR move on?

You absolutely move on. You are not going to change him, nor make him grow up. You will just end up enabling him, even if that is not your intention. You will grow more and more resentful.

Find a someone who can be real partner.

Calico21's picture

Resentment yes!! I already have so much for him. Not helping me pay rent and bills is at the top. The guy has a job and is an "adult" in regards to that, but his money is legit all play money since he has no expenses besides his vehicle. 

notarelative's picture

A guy who does not contribute to household expenses is not a catch. He's a burden. It's time for you to put the burden down and for him to move out permanently.

Winterglow's picture

For your own sanity, dump him. Nothing good will come from trying to reprogram him, he's too far gone... 

Aniki's picture

I find we aren't on the same page when parenting. My bf (40s) has lived with his mother for years up until he moved in with me. His mom is the agressive abrasive type who sees him as the golden boy of their family who can do no wrong. 

That's all I needed to read. It's definitely time to boot him back to mommy's house and move on with your life.

JRI's picture

You dont need this in your life.  I'm glad he and she have a place to go.  Buubye....

Rumplestiltskin's picture

People who come from that level of dysfunction are sometimes too far gone as adults to change, even if they want to. And this guy doesn't want to. Honestly, even at 11, the daughter likely won't change without serious intervention. This family was screwed up long before you got there and they always will be. 

Rags's picture

It is not a man's nor a woman's job to raise their mate.  Purge this failed breeding experiment from your life. Send them both back to his mommy where they can all splash around happily in their shallow and polluted gene pool.

Why would you continue to expose your own children and yourself to this multigenerational genetic train wreck of parental failure?

smh

am i nuts's picture

Support emotional and occasionally financially yes. Even with two sound adults it doesnt take much in stepkid land to throw entirety out of balance. 

But do not take over any role in managing him, communicate your needs directly.

If no response - it"s time for him to close door behind him on way out. We all struggle in our time , he has been sheltered entire life. Find somebody that will work and put in effort before you do something silly. You have children

Find a gutsy partner not mommies buddy.

$5.00 says she does his laundry

 

CRIPES!!

 

I

Smashytalk's picture

If it were only a SK issue, I'd say you could keep trying to figure it out. But when it's an adult man still being raised by his momma that's something that can't be undone. It's your job to raise YOUR kids and nobody else's. Not him or his poor kid who is on her way to failing to launch as well. There's better out there and you deserve to find it!

ndc's picture

Move on.  He sounds like a lousy partner, immature, and passive aggressive.  He doesn't attempt to fix problems, he runs away from them or makes a lame move like canceling the counseling appointment over not getting an I love you text.  That sounds like teenage behavior. You and your kids would be better on your own.