You are here

SS14 Oversensitive regarding BM? Normal??

Atrium76's picture

DH has always tried to be honest with SS and not hide anything from him regarding BM. If BM refused to let SS come over and See his Cousins from Florida DH will tell SS BM won't let him when SS asked to.   If BM calls DH and demands SS go to soccer practice when he's not feeling well DH will tell SS. DH will not lie or cover for BM as she would never do this for DH.

Now uptill about a year ago SS would be angry with BM for these things. Then basically when SS turned 13 his whole Attitude changed. Now when DH tells him things BM is demanding/refusing SS gets upset at DH. SS will either walk away, Ignore or get outright Angry/defensive with DH.  Again  DH is ONLY stating facts not his Opinion.  
 

SS loves DH BUT is a total Mommies boy. BM is a great Manipulator who has spoiled SS rotten. 
 

So thoughts on this sudden change in SS where he no longer wants to hear anything BM says or demands?? Why is he angry with DH?? 

ESMOD's picture

SS is shooting the messenger.  Honestly, he can't help but be upset about the things she does.  But, she isn't there for him to deal with. So he gets angry at your DH.  Also, it is not uncommon for a child to chase the affection of someone like BM...the more rare her affections appear.. the more that he may desire them.  Manipulative parents also alternately love bomb their kids.. then ignore them.. making the child incredibly insecure and on edge.

One way to deal with this is to have your DH stop being the interpreter and relay for her messages.  At 13, he is old enough to hear the rejections and blow offs from his mother's mouth.  Let him give her the paperthin excuses and your DH stays out of it.

I know that my SD's would defend their mamma to the end.. though she did very similar things to them.. so many empty promises.  But, if anyone ever spoke that out loud? they got upset.. at the person who said it.  I know it may be hard for your DH to do.. but he does need to step back and let his son navigate his own relationship with his mother.. If SS complains to your DH.. he should still avoid any whiff of painting her in a poor light.  an "I'm sorry you are upset son.. " is really all he can do without putting the kid in defense mode.

tog redux's picture

Why is DH being the go between here? He needs to let SS talk to BM about these issues.  My guess is that when he goes to BM's she says that DH refused to allow him to come see his cousins or made him go to soccer, so he's caught in the middle and not sure who to believe. If BM plays the victim, he'll just choose to believe her since she's so persuasive.

If SS asks to go see his cousins from Florida, DH can say, sure, ask your mom and if she says yes, she and I can work out the details.

Atrium76's picture

DH is not the go between person. What happens is BM will tell DH something like SS can't go over to see his cousins at DH house because it's not DH parenting time and BH is just a bitch. BM will then tell SS the reason he can't go over is because family court won't allow it since it's not DH parenting time. Yes SS is this dumb. When SS tells DH this DH will tell him that's not true. Family court does not care as long as both parents agree and it's BM who is not agreeing. Then SS will either not want to hear this, Ignore it or get angry with DH for telling him this. This also happens after the fact like when the cousins are gone back to Florida. This is the stuff I'm taking about. 

tog redux's picture

OK, in that case then, he needs to either get BM to put what she says in writing so he can show it to SS, or he needs to just stop telling him the "truth". It's putting SS in a place to decide who is telling the truth and he's going to choose his mother.  You really don't have to correct every falsehood BM utters, it's not helpful to SS and creates conflict.

I know that at some point, my SS just decided to take BM's side on everything just to get himself out of the middle.  All you guys can do is not put him there.  If BM says SS can't go over to see his cousins, that's her right to do that, and making her look bad in SS's eyes won't help the situation.

ESMOD's picture

I'm curious, does BM ever allow him to go to dad's when outside Dad's parenting time?  

If sticking to the CO is the way to reduce conflict.. even if that desire is "one sided".. it isn't fair to blame the parent who has decided that sticking to the CO is the only way to go.

We see a lot of advice on here to stick to the CO.. that is black and white simple etc.. it does mean that there will be times that the kids will lose out on an experience that is happening at the other home.  That is just the way things go.. and honestly, if BM is taking this stance on him coming over on dad's time?  Then from here on out I would be a 100% by the book parent regarding my time with my child.  I would absolutely take my child for every time I was entitled to do so... and I would generally refuse to do any adjustment for BM.  If she repeatedly asks dad to take more time.. he can ask that they modify the CO for more time for him and less CS.

 

Atrium76's picture

When BM wanted a girls weekend getaway she had no problem dumping SS on DH during HER parenting time. Or if there is a "snow day" from school when SS was younger BM would demand DH take time off from work to stay home with him so she did NOT have to use her vacation time. So you see BM ONLY allows changes in the Parenting schedule if she's going to get something out of it. DH of course jumps at ANY chance to get SS more so always agrees to take SS extra when offered. And yes I told DH MANY times he should tell BM NO and then maybe she would be willing to Accommodate his request once a while if BM knew she had to give to get. Nope DH refuses to say no so here we are

Rags's picture

Kids need to know when the opposition parent is full of shit and lying.

Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts.

In an age appropriate manner, always.

As for BM playing the court or CO card.... everyone should stand on the CO.  Skids need to know clearly what the CO says about mom's time... and dad's time and that mom or dad's time belongs to whichever parent has that time allocated by the CO.

Kids who play the "don't want to hear it" crap... should hear it more forcefully and frequently.

IMHO of course.

At the right point, sitting down and reviewing the CO, all of the legal records, etc, etc, etc.... with the Skid is an important activity that ultimately helps a kid cursed with a manipulative and toxic shallow end of the their gene pool to protect themselves from that influence. Both as they are progressing into the later years of childhood and through their adult lives.  A toxic manipulative parent just does not stop that crap when the kid reaches 18.  So... the "kid" needs to be loaded for bear with the facts to shut the manipulation down whenever that toxic manipulative crap raises it's toxic head.

Again... IMHO of course.

Rags's picture

Kids need to know when the opposition parent is full of shit and lying.

Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts.

In an age appropriate manner, always.

As for BM playing the court or CO card.... everyone should stand on the CO.  Skids need to know clearly what the CO says abour mom's time... and dad's time and that mom and dad's belongs to whichever parent has that time.

Kids who play the "don't want to hear it" crap... should hear it more forcefully and frequently.

IMHO of course.

At the right point, sitting down and reviewing the CO, all of the legal records, etc, etc, etc.... with the Skid is an important activity that ultimately helps a kid cursed with a manipulative and toxic shallow end of the their gene pool to protect themselves from that influence. Both as they are progressing into the later years of childhood and through their adult lives.  A toxic manipulative parent just does not stop that crap when the kid reaches 18.  So... the "kid" needs to be loaded for bear with the facts to shut the manipulation down whenever that toxic manipulative crap raises it's toxic head.

Again... IMHO of course.

SeeYouNever's picture

BM is playing victim for her own child. since he is a teenager he is probably getting treated like he's the man of the house and feels responsible for bm's moods. I would not be surprised if this this specification continues as he gets older. It's quite sad but BM needs him a lot more than he needs her and she's trying to set it up so that he will be on her side taking care of her forever.

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is one of the few reasons why I'm happy DH had two kids with Eternal Teenager. She treated OSS like a husband - complete with the verbal lashings when he didn't perform to her standards - and helped "raise" YSS. As OSS got older, he got fed up with being a parent to YSS, and YSS got tired of being parented by his sibling (and being treated like a baby once he hit middle school/puberty). That sibling dynamic, I think, helped keep them both from being little a-holes who were wrapped around BM's finger. Had there only been one of them, it would be SO MUCH EASIER for that manipulation to work.

Gimlet's picture

I am so happy that your skids had the self-awareness to see this.  OSS here is still completely enmeshed and YSS is an eternal child.  They settled right into the roles.

lieutenant_dad's picture

ET was not smart with her manipulation in my opinion. She pushed the boys to become educated. Had she allowed mediocrity, specifically in OSS, things would have been different.

SeeYouNever's picture

I've never thought of it that way, I was always happy my DH only made one mistake with BM!  Though now SD12 is very much a mini BM. The thing is BM raised her to have the same values and attitude as her and now that SD is near her teen years it's becoming more than BM wants to handle. I do some satisfaction when BM complains to DH about SD and he offers her no help for the mess she made. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Having two SKs comes with its own set of problems. It's expensive, it's twice as much mental load, it's extra time dealing with ET, etc. But, this is one of the few instances where I have been thankful for it.

Picardy III's picture

This is a great insight. I was just wondering how much the sibling dynamic kept my SKs relatively resilient against PAS and enmeshment. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

CODs don't want to be in the middle of their parents not co-parenting, and likely one or both parents are going to catch attitude for it. It's unfortunate that the "bad guy" ends up being the person who is trying not to be a d*ck about things. However, if BM is CP and SS has to spend the majority of his time with her, he's more likely going to believe her, whether to keep the peace or as a delusion to himself because it's easier or because he actually believes her.

Not a lot your DH can do other than to maybe keep some of these things from SS. If she's going to be a B about seeing cousins on DH's time, then your DH just doesn't mention it. If BM doesn't hear about it, then she can't twist it to SS. As SS gets older, he can also just tell SS directly about something in a group text with BM. This is tricky and can be seen as manipulative, but can be useful under certain circumstances. I'd also keep communication with BM in writing, so if SS calls DH a liar, DH can show him her words. He also should probably talk to his son about this when everything is calm/not stressful. 

1dad4kids's picture

I don't necessarily think DH should be honest about everything, as much as I don't think BM should blame family court. 

Sticking to the CO is the healthiest option. If we have company planning a visit we always let them know if it's not SS10's time with us so they can decide if they want to change the dates of their visit or not. 

All stepkids miss out. It's up to us as parents not to make them feel even worse about it.

strugglingSM's picture

One of my SSs does this. We barely mention BM at all and he still takes offense at everything. I think it's because BM uses him as her emotional outlet and he feels like he needs to make sure she's not upset. My biggest struggle is that BM lies to him all the time about DH and if DH even tries to correct him, he says, "mom says that not true" and then rushes off to text BM who tells him, "your father is just focused on making me look like a bad person." 

In my view, this SS is a lost cause for me...and also a lost cause for DH. 

Rags's picture

This is exactly why it is important to document, document, document.

If DH has copies of the CO, telephone recordings of vitriolic messages and conversations, arrest records, every nasty text message saved, arrest records, State regs, supplemental county rules, etc..........  Then BM can say whatever she chooses but the documented facts will bare her ass and the kid won't be quite as subjected to her bullshit.

When the Skid calls the blended family on their bullshit for the first time in real time when the ply their crap is a great day.  That teaches the idiots that their crap no longer will be tolerated, no longer carries any weight, and that the Skid is onto their shit. 

By the time my SS was in his teens he would come home from SpermLand visitation and when he had some private quiet time we would often find him in Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinets learning the truth and facts about something the SpermClan would spout that did not pass his smell  test.  It was a process but after he was compfortable with the truth and facts he would eventually come to us and ask why they always lied about things instead of just telling  him the truth.

Kids needs the facts to be able to protect themeselves.  It is no accident why SS has no use for the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.  They taught him that they were full of shit, manipulative, and that taught him that they were not only a waste of skin, they were a waste of his time and were POS people.

Go for the facts.  He may not like to hear them, but it should not be his choice to avoid them.

IMHO of course.

WickedStepmother_'s picture

We have had to use a texting app that can't delete anything that either parent says because BM will lie and twist things. We try to always do what's best for the kids but she doesn't care unless she gets what she wants. If you still have the contract or text proof of anything then you should keep it so they can see both sides.