You are here

Can bios totally “screw up” kids and what is the final result??

Terra2fly's picture

Ok what I'm trying to say is DH and BM have been divorced for over ten years BUT have such Hatred for each other you can cut the tension with a knife. Why??BM hates the way DH does things regarding the kids and try's and uses family court, school, Therapists to side with her to bully DH into doing things her way. DH in turn fights this tooth and nail. Each year it gets worse and worse. Neither one will back down. 

This has effected SS13 Greatly I believe as he got older. He's very Withdrawn, low self esteem, highly agitated oversensitive and has little interest in doing anything besides video games. SS never goes anywhere and has poor school performance. SS knows his parents hate each other. SS is basically a Miserable little shit to be around. 

So my questions are 1. Am I right that SS's behavior be caused by bio's behavior towards each other?


2. What could be the MOST likely outcome? Will SS just Learn to deal with it better as he matures?


SeeYouNever's picture

It's probably more due to him growing up in a chaotic environment and less that he knows that his parents hate each other. Though knowing that your parents hate each other results in chronic anxiety and stress which is not good for a growing person. being only interested in video games is probably an escape into something that he actually has control over since other aspects of his life controlled by either his parents or in constant flux due to constant Court battles. 

It's hard to say what the final outcome will be but if he is negatively affected by both of his parents then when he's old enough to get out on his own then neither of them will be hearing from him very often. My husband grew up with chaotic parents and he tries to interact with them the bare minimum. Meanwhile his younger sisters who were treated a lot differently are in near constant contact. If your SS is smart he will cut these toxic people out of his life.

1dad4kids's picture

I heard a podcast by a lawyer for family cases. He'd been doing it for 30 years. He said in 100% of the high conflict cases, the child would be better off if the parents weren't allowed to talk to each other or about each other. He also said that there should be a legal precedent that all children go into a share parenting agreement, and court should only happen for cases of abuse or neglect. 

tog redux's picture

Yes. If a father wants 50/50, he should get it automatically. If either parent alleges abuse, there should be a thorough case study done by a court-employed evaluator that is neutral and can’t be fired, and is versed in parental alienation. Children should not be asked their opinion. Absent any clear, verifiable abuse, shared parenting is the norm.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Oh, if only people could just accept that since you decided this person was good enough to procreate with (multiple times even!), you have to time-share your kids if you split up. Set a parenting agreement, stick to it, and cut the nonsense. The manipulations, the constant back-and forth whether it's enmeshment or fighting, the battle for who Little Timmy likes more, the control issues. Let go, you broke up, share your kid and move on!

I'm not for the government controlling our lives but if you could legislate common sense and common decency i would make an exception. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Can parents screw up their kids because they hate each other? Absolutely.

What's the long-term consequences? That's harder to know. SS could mature on his own because he wants better and different. SS could remain the same as he is now. He could cut off one or both parents, or he could embrace one and hate the other to make his life easier. He could commit suicide so neither "win". He could turn to drugs to cope with how he feels. He could be "normal" and roll his eyes at his parents' antics until they die.

Poor parenting, though, tends to create poorly-developed kids who turn into poorly-developed adults. BM and your DH do their son zero favors by hating each other as much as they do. What recourse your DH has is dependent upon the details of what is happening.

Kitten Whiskers's picture

Hell yeah, bio parents can screw up their kids.  My own parents, Lord rest their souls, appeared to absolutely hate each other, and both tried to PAS my siblings and me ... while they were still married and living in the same house.  It was horrible growing up.  All the arguing and ugly names.  My parents eventually got their crap together, but those years left a mark on all 3 of their kids, just in different ways.  

AshMar654's picture

Kids look up to their parents for how to act in real life all the time. The take cues from them sub consiously even. Yes bio-parents can screw up a kid if they are there all the time or never there.

My older brother that i love to death has issues that i honestly believe that were created because of my dad. My bio-dad also had effect on me for a long time. Just cause they are biologically related does not make them good parents. Sounds like they can not put the kid before their petty differences.

Terra2fly's picture

BM try's to micromanage EVERY thing regarding SS and just wants DH to side with her on everything regarding SS. BM won't give DH a say in anything and wants DH to run our house like hers. This in turn has made DH bitter like he has no say regarding SS so DH fights BM on almost EVERYTHING even little things that most people would let slide. So basically both are wrong BUT neither will back down so makes for a lot of tension which SS must feel.  

enjoyyourdowngrade's picture

Yes they can. My former stepdaughter is anorexic, very possibly bipolar and has some sort of form of ocd. My former stepson is extremely lazy, addicted to pot and video games and is also a pervert who harasses the girls in his class.  This is the result of dysfunctional parenting.