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can a relationship survive betrayals thru putting skids first and your needs last

fleur's picture

hi i hoped to have children of my own. Unlikely now i am 40. Instead i am crying my eyes out because my sd24 is on her second whith her child abusing partner (1st taken awy) and my dh says he is hiding his joy at his other grandson being born to ss 27.

I feel resentfull, ss27 and partner 37 lived off us untill recently, and i couldnt talk to my dh during the most important years of fertility 34+ because all his kids came first. So I saved a little money for IVF. Yet he can always find money for them.

Could any of you ever forgive this if you could nt have kids and stay in the relationship later with that person if they had started to see they had been dumped on by their kids and their own relationship pushed back by their constant demands??

Ami wrong to blame him (DH) or ss27 wife 37 as their old enough to now they didnt have to live with us and mess us up?

TwoOfUs's picture

Nope.

I wouldn't be able to deal. That's unfair of him to expect of you.

I am in the same boat. 37. No kids yet. Perfectly fertile but DH needs a reversal or we need to talk other options...but never any money for anything but skids. I don't know that I will stick around to 40!

SM12's picture

I understand your anger. But the fact is, YOU stayed in a the marriage during those Fertile years. You chose him while he was choosing his children over you.
Now you still have a choice to make. Do you stay and resent him for the rest of your life or do you go out and find a partner who will lovingly and willingly choose to give you what you want, a child. You are not too old to have a child. Many women these days are having children into their 40's. It may be harder for you to do but it can be done. Or you can adopt. But stop being resentful and make a choice on what is most important to you.

fleur's picture

i told him when we met i needed a child so he waited two years then got a reversal. but we didnt even talk about ivf until we moved out of the family home (so he could get rid of 2 his kids) the other lives withus still

fleur's picture

adoption not verey easy these days looked into it. and dont think i will find someone else to have children with

fleur's picture

adoption not verey easy these days looked into it. and dont think i will find someone else to have children with

fleur's picture

adoption not verey easy these days looked into it. and dont think i will find someone else to have children with

fleur's picture

i just need to understand can you forgive the hurt?of not having kids and seeing them having a family?When your family has closed you down and you are now just an unwanted outsider looking in?

Rags's picture

Yes, a relationship like you describe can survive... sadly. But it shouldn't IMHO.

The end should come in situations like this sooner rather than later. That approach leaves far fewer resentment filled lives in its wake.

Take care of you. You are not too old to have a child of your own either naturally or through adoption. I would not only go with IVF, I would go to a donor bank and shop for the right stuff from a donor of accomplishment and character to avoid burdening your child with the father that your SKids are burdened with.

In your next partner do not tolarate this crap your current partner has put you through

Take care of you.

Good luck.

Thumper's picture

Can a relationship survive?

(saying the following with compassion AND what I would say to my own daughters)

ONLY if you come to terms with living inside your marriage the way it is right NOW, accepting there will not be a child of this marriage. And only when you agree to stop living on daydreams and what IF"S based on how things are today with your DHs actions. Sorry but words mean nothing up to this point right?

You have more control over this than you are giving yourself.

You can move forward by moving on. YOU can find a sperm donor thru a reputable company and raise your child on your own, AND on your own terms. If divorce is not an option for you. Contact your local DSS/CPS and sign UP for their MAPS classes, take in a child or two first as a Foster Parent and tell them your goal to be infant adoption. YOu may find thru that journey that your bond with a young child in desperate need of a stable home and life long commitment from you.

Your husband may be to a point in his life that starting over and having a child no longer is something HE wants. Pushing a man into being a bio father is never EVER ok.
Men are tricked into this a lot and that is the darn truth.

If he wanted a baby, there would be a baby. He is living his life his way. Look around. Dont you think it is time for YOU to live your life, your way.

Acratopotes's picture

I am sorry to say this Hon, but it was not meant to be - you are not suppose to have children with this guy

a friend of mine was told years ago she will never have children of her own, her first husband divorced her because of this, she was single a couple of years, met her second husband and after being married for 6 years she was pregnant at the age of 39..... she though miracle baby and they spoiled that baby, well a year later age 40 she was pregnant again.. and they did not go for treatments or anything.... now for the first time in her life she's on BC - cause she had a pregnancy scare again.... and her husband has do go for some snip snip, he's 48

ChiefGrownup's picture

You will probably be better off without him. Whether or not children are in your future with somebody else, you will be better off without this relationship. Maybe in your next relationship you will still be childless but you won't have to look into the eyes of someone you resent every day.

You won't have to play gramma to children of people you hold partially responsible for your state of affairs.

You can be happier without the resentment in your face every day no matter if you couple up or are single the rest of your life. You can fill your days with all kinds of happy things -- why stuff them full of resentment?

Also, if your ss is 27 and you are 40 it sounds like your dh is noticeably older than you. Let him have his old age (coming up soon) all to himself while you go out and embrace your prime. You'll be fine.