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My wife doesn't want me to pay for my son's college

Honor's picture

I am new here and in great need of help. 

My wife and I have been married for 4 years, we were both widowers before we met, I have a 17 year old son and she has two girls, 13 and 16 years old. The way we handle money has always been a problem in our household. My late wife and I lived within our means and agreed that the most important thing was to pay off our debt and save for a stable future. My current wife and her late husband didn't  think the same way, they bought a house and went on trips they could not pay for, as a result they had a lot of debt. When my wife and I were married, her financial situation was chaotic, the house was up for foreclose auction and she was many years behind on her student loan payments. Since we got married we went over my wife's debt as a team, there are no more debts left from her old house and we renegotiated the student debt as a couple. Right now I'm the only one saving for retirement, but in a few years we won't have any debt left as my own house is paid off, so things look great.

Not everything is flowers though, there have been signs of resentment in the past, my son studied all his life at a great school but there was not enough money to send my stepdaughters there too, it was a hardship for our marriage but we managed, until now. When we got married, my wife and I mingled all of our assets, except for an account in which there is a substantial amount saved by me and my late wife for the first 10 years of my son's life, that money is supposed to pay for my son's college.  But now my wife tells me that she is not comfortable with me spending all that money on his college, when she is still paying for her debt after all these years. She says he should earn his own way in life, that it would teach him a valuable lesson in life, except that I think it has more to do with the fact that she had to pay and that her girls are going to have to pay too. We had a big fight about it and for the first time we can't seem to reconcile. 

Any advice on how to handle this situation without hurting my marriage would be greatly appreciated.

qtpie013178's picture

You seem like a great husband, especially financially. I would not have taken on responsibility for her student debt, helping pay is great but being stuck with it...well it's done now. Regarding your son's education, if he was already attending the posh school, and you could afford it, again that's fine. It sounds like your wife is resentful, but if you never met, she would have been happy with her kids' school. The money saved by you and your late wife should be used for your son's college or gifted to him after adulthood. It probably should have been in a custodial account. No worries though, you should be able to prove it is a pre-marial asset; keep it in its original / separate account, do not comingle it with your marial funds. Your wife squandered her money and financial future and now wants to do the same to your son. I would not bring it up, but if she does, explain firmly and kindly that you have helped her a lot with her debts, but that this money was set aside for your son, before you knew her, and that it will be spent for that purpose. Keep at least one separate personal account too, and I would record a will ensuring your son gets up to half of your assets upon death, or whatever is aligned with the law.

tog redux's picture

Your wife has no claim to the money that you and your late wife saved for your son's future, and it's not your son's fault that she failed to do the same for her daughters. Use the money to send your son to college, she will need to sort out loans for her daughters' education.

I bet if there was enough money for all three to go to college, she wouldn't be humming this tune of "he needs to make his own way in life," she'd be thrilled that you were willing to pay for all of them.

Honestly, she sounds quite selfish - willing to allow you to pay HER debts (which was not your responsibility), then wanting to get her hands on money you and your late wife specifically put aside for your child.

Financial issues are one of the main reasons that people get divorced, and she sounds like she hasn't learned one thing about being more financially responsible.

By the way, many people on here feel that parents should NOT pay for a kid's college - but my parents paid for mine, and it was huge gift. In this day and age of ridiculous tuition and high student loan debt, it's an even bigger gift to him.  As long as he works hard in school and you can afford to pay it - do it.

Winterglow's picture

She thinks that learning to pay his own way would teach him a valuable life lesson? So he should do without the money that was set aside for him because she wants that money to cover the things that she should have paid for herself years ago? Um, nope. Ask her what lessons she learned along the way.

I cannot see how she could justify using that money for anything other than it's original purpose. If need be, tell her that it would be completely disrespectful to your late wife's wishes to even consider using that money for anything other than your son's education. 

Sheesh! Talk about entitlement - not only has she unloaded her (unnecessarily incurred) debt onto you but now she wants to fleece your son? Do not stand for this.

ITB2012's picture

Don't fall for it. 

DS and OSS here started college at the same time. DH wanted some of our assets divided differently to give the skids a leg up because XH and I saved double what DH and BM have for OSS. DHs logic is that if I had two kids then they'd each get half of that so DS is getting more than he should. Um, no. If I had two kids we would have set aside even more so the second kid would have the same as DS. DS shouldn't be screwed out of inheritance because DH and BM were cheap and didnt save as much for the skids college. 

Kes's picture

Your wife has the attitude "what's yours is mine, and what's mine's me own".   She is being grasping and greedy and has no right to the money you and your late wife saved for the specific purpose of your son's education.  Tell her to sling her hook, is my advice. 

susanm's picture

Let me tell you a quick story about my first DH.  He was a wonderful man who died too young of a congenital heart defect.  His mother died in an accident when he was a teenager and her sizeable estate all went to his father per the terms of her will with the expectation, which was not enforceable by law as the money became his alone rather than being in a trust, that he then pass it to their children.  When his father remarried a younger woman everyone was happy as he had been much older than the mother and not doing well alone.  But when he died only a few years later happiness turned to shock when it turned out that the will had been changed to leave the entire estate - including the mother's money - to the new wife and the young child that they had together despite his advanced age. 

My DH loved his father and understood him leaving HIS money to his wife and young child but never got over the fact that he gave them his mother's estate.  How will your son feel if you give this fund, which his mother intended to secure his future, to your new wife for her use?  I believe that he will see it as a betrayal of his mother and a squandering of her intended legacy to him.

hereiam's picture

She says he should earn his own way in life, that it would teach him a valuable lesson in life

Haha! She wasn't singing that tune about paying off all of HER and her late husband's debts by herself, was she? I think that would have been a good life lesson for her, but as a loving husband, you've helped her out along the way.

 But now my wife tells me that she is not comfortable with me spending all that money on his college, when she is still paying for her debt after all these years

She has absolutely NO say what you do with your son's college fund. It was money saved by yourself and your late wife, before your current wife was in the picture. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with HER or her debt.

I suppose she expects to live off of the retirement that YOU have saved, as well, since she's not saving for herself?

This would be a hill for me to die on and I would not back down. People really show their true colors when it comes to money. Especially, other people's money.

Sandybeaches's picture

All such great advice and points!!

First welcome to the site!!!  I would like to add on to a few of the great comments posted above!!

First I agree this money and decision was set aside long before you even knew this woman would ever be in your life.  You should follow through with your plan no matter what for many reasons but also because first, your late wife and you planned this together and saved and I can't imagine it would feel to good for you and her memory to go against it especially since it is not your idea to change it.  Second it may cause some very serious problems between you and your son and damage your relationship.  The way I see it unfortunately, there is no good choice with no one getting mad.  Go with your gut and what you want to do.  Your wife will either get over it or she won't.  

If you are to have another conversation as I am sure you will, I might add a few things.  First explain that your prior lives and relationships were very different.  She and her girls had vacations and some of the finer things while you and your wife saved for the future.  You couldn't and wouldn't take away their life and their past, just like she should not interfere with your past plan now coming to fruition.  Your plan just took longer.  She was for the minute with her first husband and you and your first wife were for the future.  

Second I would next explain that, no judgment but because she and her girls had lived a different lifestyle that you had to help them out with money that could have been used for all 3 to go to school.  Since you did have to do that and basically you used what could of been school money for her girls, to pay her student loans and get her house out of foreclosure t would not be fair to give them more and not give to your son when they already got their share which was a gift not entitlement.    It would make the shares very unevenly balanced if you gave more.  

Good luck!!  You are very kind and giving!!

The_Upgrade's picture

"She says he should earn his own way in life, that it would teach him a valuable lesson in life"

I sort of agree with that statement from your wife. Only it should be applied to her first if she wants to apply it to anyone else. Her earning her own way in life means she had a choice between holidays and savings. She chose holidays. The lesson now is that there is no money saved aside for college. If she wants to talk about making things even between the kids, well your son was "deprived" of holidays growing up because you were saving for his future.

Think of it in terms of cakes. Let's call the money for holidays or college "cake". She fed the cake to her girls early. You're giving your son his cake later. Her girls shouldn't be entitled to a slice of your son's cake because they have none left. 

SteppedOut's picture

Honestly, this would make me very concerned I was being used for money...and you have done so much already! Ugh! 

You should pay very close attention to what she says and does. Is she working now? If you stay married and divorce later, is it a possibility you may have to pay alimony? 

 

SeeYouNever's picture

I've seen this type of question posted in other parenting/step forums and the answers from non-steps is always "what would be fair is to split the money between all the children equally." My guess is that answer comes from remarried bio mom's...

No, that's not fair. Life isn't fair. Especially step life. Your wife wants to use that money to pay off her debt, including student loan debt? How is that fair? I would ask her why she thinks she deserves to have your late wife pay for her school but not for her own son's? In what world is that fair or right? 

I would hold my ground on this one. Giving her that money is a betrayal to your son and late wife. Your current wife is going to keep asking for your money until you say no. You have to create a limit or she will feel entitled to everything. My guess is she isn't used to hearing "no" from you, right? 

I would consider putting the money into an account with you and your son's name on it, or adding your son's name to the account. This is his only hope for an inheritance and help from his parents, don't take away his college money.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Agree with everyone, but also think it's a mistake that you're the only one saving for retirement right now. If you two get divorced, any debt you two co-mingled with be half yours to pay down, and any money you saved (such as your retirement) while married will become half hers.

She's getting a VERY sweet deal right now without any of the financial risk. You need to start making moves to protect your finances independent of how it affects your marriage. That sounds harsh, but you wouldn't be the first (or the last) to have a spouse take them to the cleaners because the couple was unevenly "yoked" financially.

I would move the funds you have set aside for your son into a trust or account that she doesn't have access to if that hasn't already happened. Then, I'd look at splitting your finances again. It's not a good sign that your wife, who is a mother and widow herself, would rather take money away from a child that his dead parent earned and saved for him versus pulling herself up to do better especially since she has gotten immense help to get her finances on track.

How do you handle this as a couple? I'd say counseling and drawing a very firm line in the sand of what is and isn't okay with you financially. Unless she's paying an unfair amount of household expenses, or you're expecting her to live in such a way where she'll never be able to get ahead and provide similar for her own kids, then she needs to just buck-up and figure out how to deal with her own financial issues.

notarelative's picture

Your situation is why I am a huge fan of prenuptials when people have previous assets. They force you to talk about these issues and deal with them before you marry.

The funds in that account are for your son. DW should not get one penny of that account. If you haven't done so, be sure the account is titled such that it is for your son and your son only.

There may be no way to handle this without hurting your marriage. Your wife is being unreasonable and selfish. She wants your son's college money to pay the debt she accumulated before your marriage. 

You and your first wife saved that money for your son's education. That is where it should be spent.

 

still learning's picture

Postnup asap! Your deceased wife must be rolling in her grave to see how all her sacrifice for her sons education is being squandered by your new wife and stepdaughters.  Your son can help fund his education by applying for scholarships and financial aid. He can also do work study if if makes sense for his program.  The fact is that none of that is your wife's money. It's not hers to pay her education debts it's for your son.  Wifey needs to get a second job to pay her debts rather than siphon off your deceased wife's hard work.  

The two of you can have mingled accounts when it comes to household expenses but you need to protect yourself financially and look out for your sons future.  

 

Harry's picture

Money from your late wife DS mother goes to his college education.  DW goes out and gets a job and payed her own way. Makes her a better person 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Ok, as a parent, i would not be in a relationship that lowered the standard of living for my kids. If your son was in a private school and doing well, and had a college fund, do not lower his living standard due to this relationship.

Explain that to your wife. Your son's education will not change due to your marriage. Now, as far as your wife is concerned, if you truly have helped her out financially, it should have helped her situation as far as providing for her daughters' education. They should be better off with you than without you. Are there ways you can explain to your wife that that is the case now and will be in the future? If so, the situation is more than fair. 

 

Thumper's picture

Welcome to ST.

Based on what you wrote, your wife reminds me of 'one of those'.

What I mean is, HER kids and her kids future are before your kids. IF you pay for your boys college, you may not be able to do the same for her kids.

Listen, I was never one of those parents who believed parents should pay for college.  Us boomers paid for our own college. It was the generation after booners that started this I will give my kids everrrrry-thinnnnnggggg my parents didnt give me.  You know everyone gets a trophy generation? I watched it unfold right before my eyes.

NO JOKE

If you want to pay for your bio's  college--go ahead.  Stop talking about and just do it. YOU are not morally obligated or legally obligated to pay for her kids college.

 

 

 

hereiam's picture

Any advice on how to handle this situation without hurting my marriage would be greatly appreciated

I guess you have to accept the fact that it may hurt your marriage, if in fact, she is that selfish and wants that money for herself or her kids.

I would tell her one more time, what that money is for, what it has always been for, and that that is exactly what you are going to do with it. You don't have to justify, explain further, or argue your case (or give her kids the same). No ultimatums, just this is what is going to happen.

She can accept it or not. You should not be bullied into giving up what you have built for your son.

And, now that you know exactly where she stands, I hope you take the advice to protect any inheritance that you want your son to have should something happen to you.

ETA: And to protect yourself, as well.

ndc's picture

Of course you should shut your wife down on this immediately - the money should be used for your son's education, as intended.  If your wife continues to go on about it, or indications are that the marriage is being affected, I would ask her point blank if she married you for your money, and let her know that it certainly would appear so based on the way she's behaving.

Livingoutloud's picture

Sadly some SMs give us all bad name. They want skids out on their own at 18, want dads not help with education and pretty much want skids stop existing yet surely they don't act like this towards their biokids. I'd divorce my DH if he acted like you wife. Shameful 

 

Honor's picture

I thank everyone who took the time to answer to my post, even though some were fairly harsh. I'm still trying to understand all the acronyms but nothing that prevents understanding. I would also like to clarify that while my wife made it very clear that she does not agree that I use all of the money contained in that account, she made no reference to using the money to pay her student debt, or even to help with girl’s college expenses, she simply says that part of the money, which is a substantial amount, given that in addition to monthly money deposits there’s money from other sources as a year-end bonus, could be saved for emergencies. This does not cross my mind though, as a lot of that money was put there by my late wife and it would be a betrayal not only to my son but to her as well, who could have used this money for so many things, so many projects that she had and which unfortunately she was never able to accomplish. Right now I’m doing research on accounts that will make sure that my son will receive the money intended for his education, even if something were to happen to me before he finishes college. I’ve also been thinking about changing my will, making sure my son has something to inherit, especially what's left of his mother's estate.

BethAnne's picture

If your wife wants you two to have an emergency fund then I would address that with her as a separate topic from how to spend your son's education fund.

Perhaps there is already money that you two have that in your head is available for emergencies that she has ear marked for another purpose or maybe she is thinking of dfferent types of emergencies than you are. Delving deeper into this topic might help to work out what the real issues are and if building an explicit emergency fund together should be something that you both work on going forwards.

 I might also broach the topic of financial security and if she is feeling particularly insecure right now and why that might be. (Though I think most people are feeling more cautious these covid filled days). 

notarelative's picture

An emergency fund for a second marriage should not be funded with first marriage money. 

You should consult a lawyer to be sure the account is titled correctly as rules vary by state. Your bank or brokerage may not be the best source of information (says someone who was told incorrect information). While you are there discuss wills and powers of attorney. (You may want someone other than your current wife to help your son with his inheritance.)

tog redux's picture

Not to mention, she wants it all funded by HIS money. Where is her contribution to retirement and emergency funds?

SteppedOut's picture

I'm almost sure she has ideas on how to use the money if she doesn't want it going to your son's education. 

Honestly, I don't know how you aren't LIVID she thinks she has any say on how your late wife's savings for your son is to be spent. 

Winterglow's picture

Saving for emergencies is a great idea and I suggest you discuss how much you can both lay by for that purpose. It should absolutely not be financed by your son's education account. ALL of that money should go t him, no ifs or buts. Even if you do not give him all of it ro pay for college, any money left over should be his for a deposit on a flat, or whatever he might need to start his professional life.

In no way, should money from your first marriage that was saved for a specific purpose finance the emergency fund for your second marriage.

I stongly suggest financial counselling for your wife.

The_Upgrade's picture

Wills certainly deserve careful consideration in blended families. My DH and I share a young daughter and he has one from a previous marriage. I would be rolling in my grave if something happened to me and ANY of my estate ended up with my stepdaughter who I have never interacted with. Apart from my DD there are many friends and family who I would rather it go to. It could've happened though because SD is entitled to part of my DH's estate but if I pass first all of my asset would've been absorbed and become his if I hadn't set aside a trust for my own child. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Hold on. Am I understanding this right that you're still putting in things like year-end bonuses to this account for your son? If so, your wife has more of a right to be upset by that, especially if there are things that she would like for you two to experience together that can't be because it all funnels to your son with no discussion.

Your wife is a woman who valued experiences over savings. Your departed wife valued projects and savings over experiences. You can't treat your wife the same as you did your departed wife. Stashing away large chunks of money for your son because that's what you used to do isn't going to cut it. You have a new life and a new family now, and that comes with having to compromise to keep everyone happy.

I agree that all the money in that account belongs to your son. It was established for him by you and your departed wife. BUT, future moneys need to be discussed with your wife. It's not that she is entitled to those funds, but she deserves the same respect and say as your departed wife did in regards to finances. Your wife isn't just an emotional replacement for you. She is a whole human being whose wants and needs in life should carry the same weight that your departed wife did while she was alive.

That's not to say, either, that you should bankroll everything your wife wants. BUT, her ideas about money are fundamentally different. In what ways have you changed in order to meet her needs financially? As in, if she values experiences and trips, are you setting aside any funds to allow trips to happen, or is everything back on the same course it was before of "save everything for the son"?

This is a tricky balance, because your money should be spent how you want to spend it. But, at the same time, you can't get married anx create a new family with someone and adhere to the old family contract without negotiation. It sounds like your wife is trying things your way by reconfiguring and paying down her debt. I'm sure that makes you more comfortable. So what are you doing to help meet her needs?

Your perceived obligation to the dead doesn't trump your actual obligation to the new family structure that you willingly established. Your wife isn't just a bed warmer who is there for your companionship. That's what a GF is for. A wife gets to help decide how your FUTURE together looks. She has no claim to the past, and any claim she tries to make is woefully wrong. BUT, she does have a claim to the future, and beholding yourself to the dead is unfair to her. You married her knowing her values, so help honor them as she is seemingly trying to honor yours. Your late wife accomplished what she could in life, and if you wanted to continue her legacy, you needed to do it on your own, not bring another widow onto the scene to help you personally fulfill all the projects of the departed.

Sandybeaches's picture

Honor I truly mean no disrespect to you. But since you clarified some of the open questions quite frankly it makes it worse.

There is absolutely no debate as to whether this money should go solely and completely to your son for his education. This woman that you are married to has no stake or claim or even allowed an opinion on that money. It is my hope that you will see that and be worrying about how you are changing that account to make sure your son gets it.

I think the account needs to be titled to you and your son and she would have no claim to it. But what I would do is look for an attorney to take care of this immediately if not sooner. Quite frankly she has a lot of gall to even think that any of it should be put aside for anything but your son. What a terrible position to put you in. Making you choose between your marriage and your late wife's memory and your child how awful!!! You are not wrong don't walk run to the nearest attorney and get this taken care of immediately!

Livingoutloud's picture

I worked hard and saved and sacrificed for many years way before I met my DH. If he told me that money I saved supposed to be his and his kids' I'd absolutely divorce him. OP already helped his wife with paying her debt  but she now wants more. She now wants money put aside for OPs kid college way before she even knew him.

if she wants him to save for old age, then she'd not ask of him to pay her debt off  and she'd be better financially and took care of herself, got a second job if need to. She is NOT entitled to his money saved prior to them getting married 

this is not 1800. Women could work and save and don't rely on men. Yes this marriage might fail. And it might be for the best. I'd not want to have a greedy spouse. No crime in divorcing a greedy hag and staying single 

 

Winterglow's picture

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Honor's picture

I'm not sure if it was clear but a large chunk of the money saved for my son's education was saved by his mother and me in the first 10 years of his life, in those years the end-of-year bonuses, both mine and my deceased wife's went to that account, but after she died half of the household income disappeared, so no more end-of-year bonuses for my son's account. After I married my wife even more so, after a few years being just me and my son, there were three other people in the house, so I think you can say that this is where my end-of-year bonuses go currently. I will admit though, that I still put a few hundred dollars in that account every christmas, because blended families are difficult you know? My son's mother was the youngest of three siblings and her parents and grandfather are still alive, for them my son is the only thing left of her, so you can say that they spoil the kid, every year there´s this flood of gifts that arrive in the mail for the boy and while my stepdaughters are old enough to understand that these gifts come from my son's family, it's just not nice that he apparently receives so much more than them, you know? So instead of buying gifts for my son, I deposit the money into the college account. Besides that only my parents deposit a few thousand dollars every year on his birthday.

As for my wife's desire to travel and experiences, this is where things get complicated, we go on a big family trip every year and we take small getaways just the two of us, things like a weekend in a hotel or risort, but I'm the only one paying for it because my wife's financial situation was far worse than even I imagined before we got married, before the wedding and mingling our assets  I really thought that the only reason my wife went through difficulties was due to the debt acquired by her and her first husband in the two years he was ill before he died, later I would discover that much before he fell ill they lived well above their means. So you can say that the way I changed to accommodate my wife’s needs financially is by making sure that we’re paying off all debts, so that in a few years, after the kids leave home for college and we’re finally free of debt, we can travel without having to live from paycheck to paycheck, because that's what put her in this situation in the first place. This is a trap I don't intend to fall in.

Last I think I should clarify that my wife is no stranger to hard work and that my stepdaughters are mostly supported by her, and that although she is not saving money for retirement or the emergency fund she in fact pays about 40% of the bills in our house, which includes the student debt. She is just very very bad managing  money, if there is something she wants very much but it’s not in the budget she simply wants to take money that should go to another obligation and “figure it out” later, I really had to put my foot down some times in the past four years.

Rags's picture

I am usually Mr. the marriage comes before any kids regardless of kid biology.  However, you and your deceased wife were diligent in saving and managing your debt.  You saved for your son's college.  Your new wife gets no say in how that money is spent.  If she and her X did not save for their daughters' college educations then that is on them.

It would have been better for all involved if you had chosen a mate who had similar financial/savings perspectives as you have.  Too late now.

This is just going to have to be one of those things that  you both agree to disagree about or.... split the blanket and find someone more suited to be your equity life partner.

Both my wife and I are prioritize education people.  I am fortunate that my parents were able and willing to heavily participate in my university education.  I was on the 11yr undergrad plan due to changing majors regularly and transferring between several colleges and universities.  My parents funded the first two years and helped significantly during the last two years. I funded the middle 7 years out of my own pocket.  I am eternally appreciative of their help.  I did graduate with $10K in school loan debt for the last 1.5 years due to just wanting to get it done by then.  We paid that off within 3 years of graduation.  My DW had great VA survivor benefits from her BioDad who was killed in a vehicle accident while on active duty with the US Army.  Most of her undergraduate and graduate degrees were paid for by those benefits though we did take out a ton of school loans about 2wks before she finished her MBA to top off our available cash after I lost my job in the semiconductor bubble implosion of the early 00s.  

Since we were both in either undergrad or grad school for the first 9 years of our marriage we worked together to make those educational goals happen and we have worked together to knock out debt when it has been accrued.

In your case.... I think that it is imperative for your DW to have to pay off her own school debt and for you to use the funds that you and your first wife saved for your son's college education for the purpose it was intended.

When your SDs start college, there may be opportunity for you and  your DW to help them though I would not allow your DW to guilt  you into anything if she has not gotten her own school debt retired and gained some clarity on her own crappy financial performance.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck. You in all likelihood are going to need it.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

"while my stepdaughters are old enough to understand that these gifts come from my son's family, it's just not nice that he apparently receives so much more than them, you know? So instead of buying gifts for my son, I deposit the money into the college account."

Your poor son.  I can't imagine how he feels that his dad doesn't buy him gifts.  Yes, I get that his extended family spoil him but can you imagine how it feels for him to see his dad buying gifts for his stepsisters but not for him.

Does he know that you deposit money in his college fund rather than getting him a gift? Does he know that his mother's family also contribute to the fund.  If he does, think about he would feel to find out that the college fund and all of his birthday/christmas presents had been repurposed for your wife and her children.  This may not be how you see it but I'd be hugely surprised if your son didn't see this as you rejecting him for your new family.