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Parents... are you ready to date or more?

ESMOD's picture

It seems to be a common theme on here where people have rushed into dating/living together/new babies and marriage much quicker than logic would dictate.  We all see the fallout.  The complications.. the crapshows.

So, this is some advice for PARENTS out there thinking about getting into the dating world and a few ways you can tell whether you really are ready to dip your toe in that pool.

1.  You are "done" with your EX.  Really and truly, it is ideal if you can wait until the dust settles from your last relationship disaster before you go searching for Mr or Ms Right.  Ideally, the divorce and custody orders would be set and final, but at the very least, you should have a legal separation from a soon to be EX spouse.  If you weren't married, any legal ties should be tied off (no joint car loans...etc).  I am not saying this for the victorian mindset that you are committing adultery.  I'm saying this because when there are third and fourth parties involved in the end of time legal wranglings.. emotions can be high.. and people can become much more set on 'winning'.  I know this may be particularly tough when it takes a long time to legally finalize when parties are being high conflict.. but it is simpler when you don't have your new BF or GF tossing in their 2 cents from the sideline.  (which can rathet up your oponent even further too).

2.  Your kids sleep in their own beds. This comes up on here way too often.  Why on earth would a parent think it was OK for their child to sleep with their new BF or GF?  Why would they think that their new SO wants that either.  If you are so enmeshed with your child that you can't sleep in your own beds.. wait.  

3.  You struggle with raising your kids on your time.  If you are struggling, you don't need the "help" of a partner.. you don't have TIME to be dating because you need to spend more of it figuring out how to parent effectively.  This likely applies to men more than women who often seem to think that us single gals are crazy when we don't want to play mommy to their kids by former relationships.  You travel and think it will be great because the SO can watch them? NO NO NO.  Figure out your parentiing.. THEN you may be ready to date.

4.  Your goals for dating include the need for someone to share your financial burdens.  Get a 2nd job.. instead of dating people that should not be responsible for paying for your child(ren).

5.  Your kids are a mess.  Young, through Adult.  If your kids have serious issues.. work on them without the interference of a new person in your life.  Your new partner doesn't need to suffer because you are a crummy parent.

6.  You let your EX schedule your life.  

Look.. in the end, it's awfully selfish to bring other people into the toxic stew of your life when you don't have your things in order.  Is it lonely.. sure.. but lots of people on this site really suffer because their partner jumped into dating way too soon.. it's really unfair to hold yourself out as available.. when many times you really aren't.

I'm sure there are others.. 

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

#1 is YUGE. Unfortunately, too many people have zero tolerance for having no partner. For those I know personally, it has always been a case of those people not being happy with themselves. Instead of taking time to fix themselves, they rush into a new - and predestined to doom - relationship. 

ESMOD's picture

orrrrr.. the other situation where their EX has moved on.. perhaps even cheated on them and they feel they have to prove they can get someone too.

My DH's Niece has a little girl who is about 3 yo.  She and her DH split up last year because of cheating on his part.. though I think it may have been some from her as well at some point.  Well.. now the girl who is in her late 20's is dating some guy that is not even 21 and childless.  I've met him and he appears to be an OK guy.. but what the heck does some guy at 19 -20 years old want with a woman nearing 30 with a 3 yo by another guy?  

I think part of it is she wants to prove that she is "datable" too.. but sheesh.. that poor kid is gonna have heartbreak over all of this.

lieutenant_dad's picture

9. Be able to accept constructive criticism about your preciouses, your parenting, and your interactions with the ex. If your immediate response is, "well you just hate my kids" or "you just think I'm a lousy parent" or "you're just jealous of my ex", then you need to stay out of the dating pool.

10. You have a fragging court order and child support in place, AND you follow both. I can accept if your ex won't follow through on their commitments, but I sure as hell need my partner to. You can't plan for the future if you can't even manage the present.

11. Don't expect me to love your child like my own. I won't, and that's okay and healthy. I have no rights or real control over my relationship(s) with your kid(s), and it's unfair to both your kid(s) and me to force us together when, at some point, you could rip us apart.