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Dating Etiquette Question For Bios

SadFairy's picture

When you were a single parent and dating your potential partner, if you had custody of your child/children PT but desired to have full custody, did you disclose this information? I’m not here to judge if you didn’t, I’m more curious about the psychology behind it. We are anonymous here, so it’s okay to be honest.

This seems to be a pretty consistent issue that comes up here with Steps who have their kids FT. They entered the situation with a parent who had custody PT, committed to the relationship, then found themselves FT stepparents.

I’m assuming people have good intentions, and aren’t consciously misleading their partner. They must think their partner will grow to love having the child FT.

I understand people want to put their best foot forward while dating but on some level, a person must know their partner may find full custody overwhelming or else they would be up front about wanting full custody in the first place. Then everyone suffers. The child, the parent, and the step. I don’t get it.


StepX2's picture

I believe ANYONE who is dating in a serious relationship with a partner who has children, needs to realize that at anytime their partner may have FT custody. It can happen at in rare occasions if something happens to the other bio parent, ie; death, incarceration.
Although, if your partner is actively seeking FT through the courts, that is definately something that affects you directly and should be disclosed.

SadFairy's picture

Yes a person should keep in mind there are unforeseen occurrences, like car accidents, etc. that could result in a PT parent becoming a FT parent. I'm referring to people who give no indication while they are dating that they are interested in having their kids FT, but do have that as a goal.

zerostepdrama's picture

I am a CP and I made it clear to my now DH that my BS8 would probably never live with his dad and will always live with me FT and with his BD having on/off or very little involvement with BS.

I wanted to make this clear to DH because him and BM have had no problem with letting the skids go back and forth between homes as their heart desires or they are mad at the other parent. For me and my situation I would never give up custody or lose it and BS will always live with me.

Now DH did say stuff like "Oh if we move in together and got a house the girls would want to come live with us." However he never showed me that HE wanted to parent his children. Once I knew we were going to live together, by then I KNEW I would not want to parent the skids FT so I let him know, if we move in together I have NO DESIRE for the skids to live with us (except SS who was already living with DH) so DO NOT move in with me if you think I will change my mind and one day let the skids move in.

This was mainly because I did not want to be stuck parenting his kids while he still maintained his lifestyle of freedom. (SS was older and DH wasn't used to being around the house and really taking care of a kid)

Obviously if something happens to BM YSD14 would live with us. And I may have to divorce DH Wink

SadFairy's picture

Being naïve, this is how I assumed people should conduct themselves. You made it clear while dating the path you intended for your life to take. You were honest with him that you would not tolerate having his kids on a FT basis.

This is how everyone should handle these situations IMO, but they don't.

Willow2010's picture

a partner who has children, needs to realize that at anytime their partner may have FT custody.

luchay's picture

Yes, but there is a HUGE difference in knowing that some unforseen circumstance MAY happen to create the situation and a partner who is actively seeking custody and who fails to tell his prospective life partner that this is his plan.

Tuff Noogies's picture

DH made it very clear by his actions and attitude that he would always take the kids extra, or full time if it was a possibility. it wasnt anything that needed to be "honey, we need to talk".... knowing that was just part of learning who we was and is. that's one of the things i love about him Smile

SadFairy's picture

1. I love that you used the word detritus.
2. I want to smack your husband.

NO way your home should becoming a storage facility for BM's garbage and cats. I would feel like my space was being completely violated if my husband expected me to accept BM's belongings. A litter pan is a huge burden. You must be an extremely patient and tolerant woman.

SadFairy's picture

How did he respond to being told FT custody while being in a relationship with you was not an option?

luchay's picture

Yep - MarieJeanne - this is where I am at now.

While we were dating, and for the first year and a half of living together it was all "Oh I would NEVER take the kids away from their mother, as hard as it is for me to not see them every day I wouldn't do that to them or her" yadda yadda yadda.

SS10 has started acting out for BM so now there are rumblings he may come and live with us.... and OH is like "Well, I always intended that when he was old enough he would move in with us!"

Fuck no. You NEVER made that clear to me honey - their is a vast ocean of difference between your first statements and this last one!

These two idiots (OH and BM) think that it would be just fine and dandy for a kid who moved house AND schools back in July (with BM) and who has not handled it well, has only started having behaviour troubles since the change for him to move again, away from his mother and one steady full time support person (crap as she is - we have to acknowledge that she IS his main caregiver) AND change schools again, AND leave him with me?

So this poor kid who is not coping with the changes already - lets just fuck up his life even more?????? WTF.

So I said absolutely NO WAY, NO HOW, NO CHANCE is that happening, outlined why (as above) and OH's response? Well, I will just have to see him more often - get him after school two or three days a week and hang out with him for the evenings...

OK. So. At present half of OH's wages are earnt in overtime.... If he plans on adding another 2-3 days a week of leaving on time to the 3 days a fortnight he already does - that cuts about $400 from our weekly income.... We are barely scraping by as it is because BM's CS is based on his total income - on a really good week when he does LOTS of OT. This new scenario would leave us with about $500 a week after CS is paid. The mortgage alone is $405. My income barely covers food and bills and costs for MY kids.

Oh, and if SS moved in with us do you think he would half the CS he pays? NO, BM would still need that to pay her rent etc. It wouldn't be fair to her....