STOP Moving In Your SO!!!
Time for another Lt. Dad Fireside Chat. It has been a while, but I think we need to all gather on my bearskin rug in front of the fireplace so I can poke a few of you in the ribs with the fireplace poker.
Ladies and gentlemen of STalk - for the love of all that is good and holy - DO NOT MOVE IN WITH YOUR BF/GF SO FRAGGIN' FAST!
I get it. I got divorced and immediately jumped into a new relationship. I wanted to move in together right away, and the only thing that stopped me from making what would have been the worst decision of my life was that I was up to my eyeballs with debt and didn't have a pot to piss in.
It's appealing. It seems like it will be GREAT to have your SO with you all the time. You'll be able to split the bills. Their little rugrats will come over and see how awesome you are. Maybe they'll even call you Mom/Dad after a while! You'll be able to help parent and guide your SO towards your future together. Oh, it just sounds dreamy!
But it's a GD fantasy, folks. The problems your SO has while they live alone don't magically go away when you enter the picture. All they do is end up on your doorstep, whether they move in with you or you move in with them.
So here are Lt. Dad's Tips for Moving In with Your Mister/Miss:
1.) Date longer than a year before moving in. Get a full cycle of birthdays, holidays, tax time, and school before you decide if moving in is a good idea. You need to see long-term what kind of parent you're engaging with and how they manage their life at all the major plot points. The kids need to get some understanding of who you are, and you them. This gives you the opportunity to see if you want to add or cut ties to your SO. Which brings me to point #2...
2.) Prevent pregnancy and don't co-sign on a single fudging thing. Ladies, make sure your Ortho-Tri-Cyclen prescription is up to date. Gentleman - bring your own condoms and don't use hers. Pregnancy will muddy already newly-muddied waters. If the reason you move in together is because a bun was prematurely scooted into the oven, then your relationship just had MORE baggage added to an already-likely-full luggage cart. Even if you avoid the financial pitfall that is unintended and ill-timed pregnancy, also avoid co-signing on a loan. Your partner can't be a partner if they can't financially support themselves, and you'll be on the hook if/when they fail to pay. Which brings me to #3...
3.) Don't live with someone, no matter the timeframe, who isn't financially independent. That may include yourself. No one can be a partner to another person - which requires taking on MORE responsibility, not splitting what already exists - if they can't take care of themselves. They need to have a job that pays the bills *at minimum*. A career-style job, savings account for emergencies, health insurance, and a 401k would be ideal. They also need to have a CONSISTENT job history and a CONSISTENT money management history. Neither one of you should be saviors, which brings me to #4...
4.) Don't be a savior. Don't be dating less than a year and calling yourself a SP. Don't be taking over your partner's responsibility to care for their kids. Don't be the free babysitter. Don't be the maid. Don't be the chauffeur. Sure, take the kids out to get your partner a birthday present if you want, but YOUR PARTNER NEEDS TO PARENT THEIR OWN KIDS. Again, you coming on the scene only added to their responsibility, not lessened it. It's NOT your responsibility or place to take over these duties OR guide your partner on how to do it. You can offer advice, sure. But if they are a crappy parent, movint in with you isn't going to make them better. They'll still be crap.
Steplife is TOUGH even in the best of circumstances. If you've found yourself at STalk, it's likely because no other stepparenting group deals with the issues you're facing. We are the scum and villainy of the step universe here, according to Reddit and others. It's not that we're evil, but we are dealing with the worst of the worst. And sometimes our actions are the reason it's so bad.
So, if you're relationship isn't up to Lt. Dad's snuff, consider not moving in together yet. If you've already found yourself living together, then it's time to start considering if your relationship can last and how to exit if it can't. You aren't tied to your situation because you made a mistake, and we can help you get out.
But for those who are contemplating the future and are seeing red flags, LIVING TOGETHER DON'T FIX SH*T! Remain independent until the aforementioned criteria (and what I assume will be added criteria below) are met or you realize that it won't ever be so you move on with life.
This has been a public service announcement. Stay toasty my friends!
ETA: I forgot a very important one, so let this be #1:
MAKE SURE THEY ARE DIVORCED FIRST BEFORE YOU EVEN DATE THEM.
Seriously, for your health and theirs. If you aren't divorced, then get divorced. End one relationship before you enter the next. I say this as someone who didn't do that, and it took much longer for me to figure out who I was and how I could be a good partner. I got unfathomably lucky in this regard, but most people don't.
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Comments
Excellent advice!
Excellent advice!
The trouble is.....
............a lot of people appear on StepTalk only when they've jumped, not only into a relationship but also into having a baby with new partner, before their feet have hardly touched the ground. I've lost count lately of the number of times I've read, from new posters, that they've got pregnant by new partner within months of meeting them.
I realise it doesn't always help to take it slowly, but at least you get to know the person a bit, and to know what you're in for with the SKIDs/BM etc. I moved in with my partner about 14 months after meeting him, looking back, it was too short a time. I knew how awful NPD BM was, but I did it anyway - full of hubris, probably, that I could cope. I did cope, but the first 10 yrs were horrendous.
So true
So true
Sadly people who really need this advice, wouldn't follow it. we see it on this site all the time. The one who agree wuth all this dont really need this advice because they already follow this wisdom in their life.
i think there is a deep seated reason for women jumping in with married men or men who don't have their crap together, don't have a place to live or means to support himself. Women who were brought up by emotionally unavailable parents are desperate for love. So they will do anything so they can feel loved. Including jumping into relationships and act like saviors. Act like wives even though they aren't, act like mommies to kids they literally just met or hurry up and get pregnant. Instead of doing all that I'd recommend therapy to learn roots of their problems and follow healthier patterns in life.
men who jump into cohabitating situation right away do it becsyse they have no place to live or can't pay their bills or need a free babysitter. It's never because of how madly in love they are. If love was the reason, he'd propose and marry her fast and he'd hurry up fixing his life so he can be whth love of his life. He'd not be showing up on girl's doorstep with his suitcase and unpaid bills (while sometimes he might not even be divorced!)
I have never met so many
I have never met so many people with failed birth control in my entire real life, as I have on StepTalk. What is the deal? And why do people feel they have to have MORE kids with each partner, especially in a high conflict situation?
I will confess that I dated DH when he was separated, though all the other things were in place, and we didn't move in together for 2 years.
I don't believe they use
I don't believe they use birth control. Some women think if they hurry up and get a kid, men wouldn't leave. Not a good strategy. And some men just think with their dick and don't bother thinking about birth control
i dont know anyine in real life who has kids because birth control didn't work. Either planned pregnancy or didn't use birth control or used it incorrectly
This is exactly what happened
This is exactly what happened with BM and DH - she told him she was on BC and he in no way knew her well enough to trust that. Now, here we are 20 years later!
Agreed.
Agreed.
BM told DH she was on the pill, and here DH is, 14 years later, with a 13-year-old.
Also, I believe this is what BM did to her current husband - got pregnant. Because in BM’s world, pregnancy = marriage, and marriage, weirdly, equals love and happiness.
Boy, is she wrong.
Agree on BC
But I also think that men need to be equally responsible. Trust but validate. I also don't get this need to have kids with new partners ESPECIALLY when the new partner has done a terrible job of parenting existing children. I guess amazon has a good deal on Rose colored glasses.
Yes, of course, men are
Yes, of course, men are equally responsible. When I mean birth control, I mean BOTH of them. On here, when asked why they got pregnant so soon, it's always "failed birth control", which I take to mean they both failed at it.
I can see people who don't have any children wanting some - but do your due diligence to decide who you want to be the father of your child. And if you both have children, why have more in a bad situation?
We just need idiot-proof BC
I'm on the "shot" because Drunk-Me wants a baby really, really bad.
Drunk-Me is an idiot.
"And why do people feel they
"And why do people feel they have to have MORE kids with each partner, especially in a high conflict situation?"
I think a lot of these people with partners with HCBMs need to do some critical thinking about who's fault some things are. They think SO is a bad father because BM doesn't coparent and that things will be different with their "ours" kids.
I'll also say that for any relationship when you hear stories about the ex you need to keep in mind there are two sides to every story. There are things my SO told me about his relationship to BM that made her sound horrible (I mean she definitely is) but now that I have experienced 12 years with him sometimes I wonder what role he played in their issues and sometimes think about if we were to break up now what horror stories would he tell the next person.
I can certainly see that DH
I can certainly see that DH and I are more compatible because he and BM would get polarized on issues and neither of them would back down. But I can also see that while DH can be "too strict" as BM alleges, BM is off the charts permissive, enmeshed with SS and very selfish and narcissistic. So while DH for sure has flaws, they are nothing like BM's, so I can still say that she was the bigger contributer to the problems.
My DH was married twice before, which at first made me hesitate. But he has nothing but good things to say about his first wife, it was just not the right timing for either of them. She was a good, normal person. And they had no kids. Zero chance I'd marry a guy with kids from TWO BMs.
I'm happy SO had just one kid
I'm happy SO had just one kid with one BM when I met him. I had a rule about not dating men with kids but made an exception for him. I know I wouldn't make that mistake again although I have no regrets.
When I see people with 3 or more kids or more than one BM I just want to yell run. There's no way it's worth it.
Still not enough time
We waited something like 6 years to move in together then another for marriage and a baby. It still wasn't enough time. Though BM waited to get extra nuts till after we got married and had a child together.
In hindsight she was passing from the beginning but she really played the long con on the skids and us.
This blog is ABSOLUTELY
This blog is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! Unfortunately, those that need the advice the most won't listen.
Excellent fireside chat Lt.
Excellent fireside chat Lt. I agree sadly most of the people who pass through stalks hallowed halls are already well entrenched into the step hell life.
I also agree with Tog the amount of failed BC is alarming!! The one and only time birth control failed for me was when I wasn't on it!
Oh, Lt. Dad, you are no fun!
Oh, Lt. Dad, you are no fun!
I agree with it all.
Wonderful advice! I wish that
Wonderful advice! I wish that I read this when I first got a divorce. I waited Exactly year before I got married and let him move in. We had problems then and I haven't waited longer! I was devastated from my divorce and not thinking clearly.
~smooches LD square on the
~smooches LD square on the mouth~
I seriously adore you!!!
Next fireside chat, Aniki will serve hot cider and hot chocolate. Spiked versions available.
P.S. Having a baby doesn't fix sh!t either.
RSVP
I am THERE!
ST helped me avoid making this mistake <3
This site helped me avoid possibly a huge mistake that I was about to happily skip into with rose colored glasses. You can read my first post on here although frankly it's embarrassing to even read back to myself just a few months later...I was about to move in with my boyfriend of pretty much 5 minutes, but I had a gut feeling that something just wasn't right about it. My concerns led me to google and therefore this site...one post and lots of constructive comments later and I decided I was too smart to make this quick of a decision, no matter how much my raging hormones were screaming at me to.
It's been a few months and the honeymoon phase is over. I still love my boyfriend, but I sure am glad I listened to everyone on here and did not move in with him so quickly! This site made me see how naive and immature I had been thinking about such a SERIOUS situation. I'm 29 with no children, no divorce, no baggage, a great job, financially independent...of course my boyfriend wanted to fast track moving in and having a baby together. Real life with someone else's child around 24/7 takes a serious commitment that should never be entered into lightly. My boyfriend should never have even asked me so soon; red flag on his parenting. And of course he showered me with tales of marriage ASAP and a home of our own..... months later those promises turned into the reality that he isn't financially ready for a ring and a new home and I'm sure it was lip service. Pipe dream. Dreams are lovely but as this poster said, you can talk a big game all you want, but if you were truly serious you'd get your ass in gear and do what's necessary to make it happen!
I'm now taking the time to vet his parenting skills more, his relationship skills, etc. and learn him inside out in a way that takes TIME.
Thank you to everyone on this site for real, I really feel that if I had never found it I would have made a huge mistake and would be very upset right now.
<3
So Happy to Read This!
You have no idea how nice it is to read that you slowed your roll & took some of the wise counsel here on StepTalk. That made me very happy to read, and I am proud of you. Thank you for posting that; very encouraging!
Standing ovation
Standing ovation for Lt. Dad!!!!! FDR has nothing on you. I would say that was more in the spirit of Eleanor.
Great Advice!
I'm sooooo glad I never had an "ours" kid with Chef
1. Found out he is a terrible parent
2. Found out the BM was just as bad if not worse
3. Found out that Chef would try and find something bad about my BIOS AKA double standard
4. Chef and the Girhippo need bleach in their gene pool and I would never want to contribute to that by having a half sibling to the ferals. Embarrassing and shameful
It's advice like this and
It's advice like this and other tough straight talk from members here that helped me avoid making the biggest mistake of my life!!
Preach! Don't sugar coat the realities of steplife with disfunctional people!!
Normal, mature and respectful relationships are possible with people who may or may not have children, but don't ever ignore the red flags because you think you are different and special and can "make it": you are not and you won't, not without heartache and regret!
I wish I’d seen this 5 years
I wish I’d seen this 5 years ago, this is totally spot on.
I waited 3 years before moving in with DH, and it wasn’t enough. I knew I was making the choice to be with DH for the wrong reasons, but even with counselling I couldn’t seem to stop myself from making that decision. I’d give anything to go back in time and run the f*%k away.
Ive got a beautiful child out of this marriage who I love more than life itself, and we have a good life together, but the drama sets my insides on fire. And I often wonder what kind of example I’ve set for my kid by choosing the life I did. I wouldn’t want this for them, and I’ll spend the rest of my life working on myself to ensure I’m the healthiest version of myself possible to set the best example I can. If I’d held myself in greater esteem years ago I wouldn’t be here today.
I think more kids with DH is out of the picture, despite always wanting at least 2 of my own, and if I ever leave him I’ll be spending a good chunk of time single. Like years. I would never want to rush into another relationship, I want to be the healthiest version of myself so I attract a healthy partner. Anything less simply isn’t worth it. I love my DH but his drama is too much to bear most of the time.
Great advice Lt. Dad, but
Great advice Lt. Dad, but sadly far too late for probably 99% of Step Talk Members. We've already taken the plunge by the time we get here!
Shucks, folks! I didn't
Shucks, folks! I didn't expect such a round of applause for this. While I understand that, for many, this information comes too late, my hope is that there are lurkers out there who read this and take it to heart. Going into step life is a calculated risk that doesn't pan out even in the best of circumstances. But folks, give yourself the time and space to figure out those risks so that they aren't compounded by rushing into things and not knowing what is on the other side.
Until next time, my loves!
I moved in with DH after 9
I moved in with DH after 9 mos of dating. That I would not change, although a year would have been better. We lived in an amazing place and it was good. What I did was put off marriage for a year longer than he would have liked. That was a good decision. I was able to work on disengaging and have tough convos with DH about finances, kids and future. It's not perfect, but we are happy and glad to be together.... he's a lovely person.