What does one do?
How would you handle this?
So as some of you know SD14 has been coming around again, she seems honestly interested in being in our lives (but I am still cautious because CHRISTMAS) and that of my DH's family. When all hell broke lose back in May the one thing BM and SD kept saying was that SD was not comfortable with DH drinking, like ever. I mentioned in older post that he is not a problematic drinker but they like to blame the fact that he drank a few PBR's with why his daughter acted out. All of this is the narrative they have built up. It's the thing that BM keeps texting my DH when he plans to see her "Remember No Drinking Around your daughter she is not comfortable with it" EVERY SINGLE TIME HE TRIES TO MAKE PLANS WITH HIS DAUGHTER.
Funny how SD has pics on her VSCO of her drinking pre-made Malibu cocktails, but yeah stick to your story!
SD had dinner with us on Sunday, it went well and she seemed like her old happy self before the last couple years of chaos. But then again it can all be FAKE. It's not like she is openly talking about her almost 19 year old boyfriend (which is about all she has going on right now, one female friend and her ADULT boyfriend) so of course we want to invite her to more things to get her back into the family.
Well this weekend is my sisters Christmas Party and we want to invite SD but the big but is that BM manages and controls all of this and she will say "Well remember no alcohol when she is around you" well fuck it, we don't want to go to a party to celebrate and he cannot have a couple beers. Then Christmas Eve - SD seems interested and wants to go to DH's family with us, well they are a big Italian family, wine is drank in their home, will he also have to sustain in order to have his daughter with him?
So the text last night was :So what is the plan for Christmas Eve, and DH responds well SD wants to come to my parents with us so that is the plan....next will be "well you better not drink around her" (damn controling bitch always needs to act as if she is the better parent who recently "quit" drinking because she has an alcoholic boyfriend, but I dont believe she did)
DH went to the attorney the other day about the summons for modification to CS, but also brought up the lack of parenting plan, the fact that if at any point BM wanted to refuse him the ability to see his daughter that she could. This attorney said the same thing as the last " What would your teenage daughter want, would pushing for 50/50 parenting make her resist you, does she want to be in your home?" and of course we know that this would NOT work well, we would just be busy filing contempt for BM all the time and she wouldn't be able to produce her teenage daughter and SD would refuse to see him/us. So the attorney suggested that he doesn't try to push for 50/50 and slowly get his relationship with his daughter to a place where she just wants to be with us (insert eye roll).
So the issue here is:
- If he doesn't do what BM says he won't be able to see his daughter
- Now he has to agree to never having a beer or drink around his daughter? Since she will be with us mostly during celebrations etc that seems ridiculous
- How should one handle this demand by BM, everything she writes and communicates has always been written as if it is going to court, she makes herself both the martyr and victim and makes my DH the bad guy (he is NOT a bad guy)
Has he asked SD her feelings
Has he asked SD her feelings about his drinking? I don't think he should honor BM's demands without asking SD if those are her real feelings.
And if he can honestly say that he is not a problem drinker, doesn't act weird or yell at SD after a couple beers, then he should feel free to have a couple of beers. No court is going to forbid him from drinking unless there is proof of some bad behavior related to alcohol on his part.
He shouldn't fall into the pattern of giving into unreasonable demands from either of them just to see his daughter. That is a bad precedent to set.
I told him last night that he
I told him last night that he needs to talk to SD about this or mention that he is an adult and he makes adult decisions. I think he is so scared to have any real honest conversations with her right now because everything is so fragil.
As for him drinking, as long as I have been with him I do not see the difference with his interactions with his daughter. BM may have had a different experience with him because I know there was some level of self medicating in the past when their life together was horrible but this seems to be BM's go-to when she wants to control a situation. I suppose only he can determine if this is problematic or not, not me. But instead of SD having to acknowledge her bad behaviors one of her complaints to him in the summer was that she didn't like his drinking and she tends to blame this instead of taking accountability for her actions.
I agree he should talk to sd
I agree he should talk to sd directly about this.
I can also see the argument that if missing out on drinking on a couple of occasions is worse than not seeing his kid that maybe he does have a problem with alcohol?
Just because he thinks 50/50 will be tough to get sd and BM to maintain does not mean that he can’t get a court order at all...there are many other schedules that could work and he could ensure he has paperwork to go by rather than relying on bm’s “generosity”.
It has more to do with the
It has more to do with the principal that BM seems to be able to control what DH does in our home. He doesn't drink at all on normal occassions of seeing her but on special occasions why does he need to give into BM's demands. Such as the Christmas Party this coming weekend, he isn't allowed to have a beer with my brother in law if we bring his daughter. It's sort of ridiculous
I also told him that he needs some sort of parenting agreement even if it is for one day per week that he gets time with his daughter, because otherwise BM will make decisions based on how she feels that day and what demands he caves to.
I agree it is overstepping on
I agree it is overstepping on bm’s part to insist on it. But if your husband does not invite sd to the parties because of the rule he is capitulating just as much as if he avoided drinking.
If it were me I would talk to sd, invite her to the parties anyway and avoid drinking for now but get paperwork in place so that I felt I knew what the “rules” are for visitation and could go to a judge if BM decides to not abide by them because I had a beer.
Everybody is so concerned
Everybody is so concerned about whether your DH should be able to drink a couple of beers (or not) around his daughter, but no one seems to have a problem with a 14 year old dating a 19 year old?
Oh We do, but BM doesn't. She
Oh We do, but BM doesn't. She knows all about it and thinks its perfectly fine! Ugh Again only what DH does needs to be under the microscope apparently
I have actually suggested to
I have actually suggested to DH that he files a Stat Rape/Restraining Order against this kid but then again SD would never talk to him again, so he cannot actually parent his daughter
Children don't dictate what
Children don't dictate what their parents do. Exwives and Exhusbands don't tell you how to live your life. Unless not drinking is part of his CO then there is not much that they can do right?
Now, you say your DH does not have an issue with drinking. He never drinks "too much" and you never notice that a few drinks impacts his attitude. So.. there really is no reason why he should have to follow their orders right?
I think my DH's initial temporary CO stated that the parents couldnt' drink in front of the kids. I also pretty much know that he just ignored it completely.. lol.
It may be that SD has had other interractions with people who were drunk that were negative.. it's also possible she has gotten an earful at school or church about the evils of it..
I'm not saying your DH should do things that make his daughter feel at risk.. but I also think this has been blown out of proportion and if you don't see problems.. and you live with him daily.. I don't know that I would agree to this arbitrary rule.
There is nothing in the CO
There is nothing in the CO that he cannot drink. I know BM quit drinking (or so she says) last year because her boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and she has become a reformed drinker who judges everyone elses drinking. I think its a cop out for both BM and SD to not ever need to take responbilitt for their actions. SD called him out on drinking when he had one beer back in the spring. I understand as a child of an alcoholic the trauma that can be involved but I haven't seen this happen in the 3 1/2 years I have been with DH.
If SD can not be around drinking
I guest she just sit at home. Most restaurant have people drinking. Also places like Disney, Sporting events.
It's BM trying to control your home. Better a drink then going out with a 19 yo
family party
If BM succeeds in her quest to stop DH from drinking around SD, then her next quest will be to remove the alcohol from all family parties that SD attends.
Your family party. I wouldn't ask her. Your family does not need the added drama.
DH's family party. If I were DH I'd ask SD if she wanted to come to the family party. SD, as usual my family is celebrating Christmas Eve. Are you planning to come with us? Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins will be there and would love to see you. But, understand that If you come, you will see the adults drinking wine as it is traditional. That will not change.
she will insist that you are
she will insist that you are absent for all visitation.. because "you upset SD". He needs to stop capitulating. You don't negotiate with terrorists or your children.
Time to show the pics of SD
Time to show the pics of SD boozing it up, go for total confrontation on her and BM's manipulative bullshit, and inform SD that she is 15yo and that you have provided the pics of her under age drinking to the Police.
Now for your idiot attorney. Remember, the attorney works for you and it is the attorney's job to deliver on what you hired the attorney to deliver. Find an attorney who clearly understands who they work for and has the ability to shred BM in court, smack the 14yo around on the stand demonstrating that she is BM's manipulation victim and put the pics of the boozing minor who is fully under BM's control in front of the Judge.
DH will get a visitation order if she does not get 50/50 if not custody.
Go for blood. DH needs to man up, put his foot up BM's and SD's asses and own his life and own them as well. Even if DH does not win in court, he will start to inject the facts into the skull of his daughter and rub her nose in the stench of BM's bullshit. At this late stage DH has to get ruthless if he is going to have a chance of mitigating some of BM's toxic manipulations of his daughter.
A 15yo does not dictate what adults do. Time for DH to learn this and man up.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.