SD17 (almost 18) and Pregnant! She wants to keep it !!!!
Its been a bit since I have been on this page.
Things were better at least in a way I knew how to manage. My stepdaughter just graduated from high school, she had been in a therapy school for her whole high school career, it was a nightmare. She was always in trouble, always getting suspended, missed an insane amount of school with refused to go. The school wanted her gone and by the end of her senior year they only made her come into school for 2 hours a day to complete work. Rightfully, she shouldn't have graduated but they wanted her out of there.
She has been able and been successful with holding a job and she is a shift supervisor at Mcdonald's now with plans to attend hair dressing school in October.
BM had met a new man, moved about an hour away, and abandoned my SD17 in the house that she rented. She has been pushing my SD to move out and get her own place, she is not ready and cannot afford it. So this has been a huge area of concern and my SD17 does not want to move in with us or her grandparents also offered.
Then this week I get a call from my SD crying asking if she can talk to me, so she came over with her friend and proceeded to tell me that she was pregnant and she wanted to keep the baby. WTF! Her mother had already made sure my husband knew that child support goes until she is done with hairdressing school, but now she is not going to be able to attend or finish if she will have a baby due in February. BM went and promised SD17 that the $1000 a month she gets from my husband for CS will go to pay the rent in the house that now my SD17 and her boyfriend (21) will live in. As someone who went to law school and understands how Massachusetts works none of this will happen that way.
- She will be 18 in August
- She will not be able to attend or finish school due mid-way through the program
- She and her boyfriend work full-time
- She will be a mother and she is currently pregnant (this would make her emancipated regardless of school status)
- She will be living in a rental house with her boyfriend and mom lives an hour away where $1000 of the $1300 a month in rent would be coming from my husband through his current child support and the rest my SD and her boyfriend would be expected to cover, so MOM is not supporting her at all.
So of course outside of wondering why she wanted to keep this baby when she is ill-prepared to even support herself she stated that she got pregnant at 14 with the much older boy that BM said she was never alone with and had an abortion and it was traumatic. I told her no matter how a pregnancy ends (abortion, miscarriage or delivery) the hormonal changes are traumatic and can cause depression. She only started dating this boyfriend in February but they have been talking for about a year. We have not yet met him. We found out she took herself off of birth control because she was "bad at taking it" and then also was not using protection and had sex with more than one 21-year-old in the last 2 months, so we asked if she was certain this baby belonged to her boyfriend
Of course, while I was trying to be supportive my husband was livid "So you made an irresponsible decision and now you are here" and also said "So your 21-year-old manager boyfriend decided to disrespect you by not insisting on protection"
He served her a LOT of truth as he was a father at 21 and solo with his son. We asked all the questions and she had no good responses. How will they afford the rent and bills and baby when CS is no longer being paid? How will she go to school? How will she hold her job when child care will cost as much as she makes? and so on. She had NO answers and was like it will be fine.
We made it clear that while we will support her emotionally, mentally and sometimes watching the baby we are not raising or supporting financially supporting a 2nd household. My husband and I started over again later in our adult years and we have debt and our own future to plan for, we are not taking on the responsibility for our thick-headed 17 year old who cannot grasp what being a young parent with no experience in managing an adult life. She even said "I work all the time now, whats the difference" and my husband says "you work 40 hours a week and then all the rest of your time is YOURS" once you have a baby you will have none of that." We explained her friends are going off to college and while they may think its all fun right now, their lives will be very different and those relationships may not last.
So she is living alone until the boyfriend moves in at the end of July, BM will have all of her things out of the rental house but the rent is still in her name, but she wont be paying any of the bills out of her money to support my SD. As soon as the situation changes my husband plans on putting a modification petition in with the court and refuses to pay "Boyfriend Support" so her 21-year-old adult boyfriend can live for free with his daughter. His belief is if they can make adult decisions like having a baby then they need to be adults.
I struggle with all of this because I don't want my SD to struggle; she will most likely end up a single mother. She refuses to live with anyone else, making herself be alone, and wants her boyfriend to move in so she isn't lonely. She even admitted to me that she was also dating another boy but hadn't had sex with him since prior to her last period, I am thinking she may not even know who the father is until birth (one of them is white and the other is black). She said she just broke up with the 2nd guy after saying she was exclusive with this boyfriend since Feb and she is worried he will find out.
All of this is a mess. I wouldn't want a baby in my house because I have no interest in having a baby in our house. BM will not be there to support her. She barely even talked to her when she said she was pregnant. BM has left SD home alone since she was 12 for extended periods of time and this last year BM was with her boyfriend an hour away while SD17 lived alone in the rental house. We know more now than we knew then but they kept each other secrets for years and now my SD is telling me everything.
How much should we be expected to help her out? We don't want this for her right now, we do not believe she is in a place to be a mother. I was the child of a teenage mother and I know for certain this had major impacts on my development and quality of life. I don't know how much my husband is bluffing about her needing to do this on her own. I know he and I need to have discussions on what we are willing to do and not do and be on the same team with that. I can see myself overextending my ability to help her if and when this baby arrives because I don't want suffering but it wouldn't be what I want to do.
What exactly is her mother
What exactly is her mother planning to realistically do for her?
Mother has said so far:
Mother has said so far:
That she would take the $1000 a month from CS until my SD finishes Hairdressing School and give that to her for the rent of the house. She said she CS was complete, she would contribute $600 a month to her. My husband is certain this will not last but BM has always had no issue throwing money at her daughter. The reality is that the hairdressing school will not allow for a break when she has the baby in Feb, she won't be able to just go back and finish, it's not a normal college program.
So for the time being BM is offering up the Child Support money to her, but the reality is that Child Support will be ending very soon. She is not offering to help with anything else out of her own pocket which would result in SD17 is not financially dependant upon mom because the shared income process in Massachusetts made her responsible for $1300 of her daughters care and my husband with $1000.
Baby’s and money.
It will never end. There are Government programs out there, for SD. I would follow the CO. Child support ends now. SD is now an adult not a child. You must cut off CS or else you will be paying for the reast of your life. $1000 a month is not going to cover it.
I would consult an attorney
I would consult an attorney now. She is 17 and living on her own. It might be worth getting proof of that.
Finding whatever you need to so that child support ends when she turns 18 is key.
Obviously this is her choice. At least she graduated high school. Already having 1 abortion at 14 probably isn't making her want to rush to do that again. She is going to have a very hard life ahead of herself. I know you mentioned beauty school but she should really pursue something that will give her flexibility and more money. Nursing has a lot of great night school options and there is a lot of money in nursing and most of my friends that are nurses only work 3 days a week- sure 12 hr shifts but I always envied that schedule! Makes it a lot easier to be a single mom if you have 4 days off.
Unfortunately she would never
Unfortunately she would never make it through nursing school, we would be lucky if she makes it through hairdressing school. her schooling was not at grade level and she wouldnt be able to handle it at least not now.
I feel for you
I'm sharing this just to give you some info. My step-gd got pregnant, the boy is 8 now. I stay very detached so don't know all the details but the long story short is that she is living in a Section 8 apartment and gets enough aid that she doesn't work. So, yes, there are government programs to help.
The back story is that your SD is in for a rough time, as you know. My step-gd has broken relationships, no job experience and a sad life.
Where I struggle is that I
Where I struggle is that I hate to see her struggle but she keeps making horrible decisions, I mean having sex with multiple guys around the same time with no birth control or protection, she isn't dumb she knows better. But I struggle with the fact that she will need to turn to government assistance, does this make me and my husband bad people for not wanting to support another household? I feel guilt over the fact that while we can be active grandparents, assist with needed items like diapers or other needs, we dont feel as long as she refuses the option to live with family that we should be paying her rent and other bills
I wouldn't feel guilty
I wouldn't feel guilty if she turns to government assistance. There will be PLENTY that you guys will be doing to support her even if you aren't providing shelter and food. My SD61 and her ex#1, my step-gd's parents, have babysat, provided emergency $, provided car, held her hand, gone to dr appts, etc etc and its not over.
Sucks
It sucks that both JRI SGD and your SD will be living off government handouts (people who work and pay taxes).
Having a child before you can care for it should not entitle you to thousands of dollars in tax payer dollars each and every month. More needs to be done to make lazy people make something of themselves. If there was no free money, they would figure it out.
I don't blame you for not wanting to support another household. However, it does stink that I will be chipping in for it now.
I agree
I agree with what you're saying. Altho I'm a liberal-minded person, I've often thought it would be to step-gd's benefit if there were some kind of work requirement. That would, aside from the $, enable her to meet other people, get some job experience, prepare for her future life.
But aside from those considerations, I've seen what this dynamic does to the surrounding people. My SD61, not the most stable person, is constantly being thrown by step-gd's financial needs, step-gd's relationship problems and the child's ups and downs. SD's ex#1 is separated from his wife. I hear the issue was his intense involvement with his daughter's issues. My DH85 constantly tells SD61 to concentrate on her own problems but, as a mother and gmother, she has trouble turning her back.
It's a journey, to say the least.
Trust me we dont want her to
Trust me we dont want her to have this baby. If she would have been in our house instead of the house of an absentee mother who made her keep all her secrets about just how much she was alone and for how long. This is the result of a horrible BM who cant be bothered to parent but thru manipulation and crocodile tears in court ended up with full custody. Now my SD comes to me and my husband because we are the only ones really here for her but she won't listen to our warnings or advice because she is 17 and thinks she is grown. I am hoping she has a miscarriage but based on her inability to use protection I am sure she will just end up pregnant again. Nothing about this situation is good. But its all the making of a horrible BM who made it very hard for us to advise and direct my SD into a life worth living.
She does like working and
She does like working and making money, I think the only thing that will stop that is childcare, if she can get assistance for childcare she would be able to continue working. That will be the biggest challenge
In my state, low imcome
In my state, low imcome people get free full-time childcare if they are either attending school or working at least 20 hours per week. I imagine Massachusetts has something similar. Low-income pregnant women get Medicaid and WIC, and the babies also get Medicaid. They are eligible for food stamps and low-income housing assistance. Also, the mothers are eligible for federal Pell grants to go to school.
I already sent her
I already sent her information for WIC and TANF and also the Massachusetts -MassHealth Portal because she is currently on her mother's insurance but with the pregnancy and baby she will need new insurance.
When I was pregnant I was
When I was pregnant I was still on my dad's insurance (I was under 26 and DH has VA insurance so he couldn't cover me). I was told to apply for Medicaid/CHIP because I qualified and it would be secondary as long as I was on my dad's policy. That basically paid for my deductibles and co-pays. So she should apply even if she has other insurance now.
ETA i looked it up. Go to
ETA i looked it up. Go to mass.gov and it will give you all the info you need. If she can read and follow instructions, she can fill it out, or you guys can do it for her. She should start applying now if she's serious about having this baby. There is no reason she can't either work or finish school with the programs available.
Do NOT support their
Do NOT support their household
I mean support here and there but do not let them rely on you every week, every month for food/money/living expenses.
They want to lay up like they're grown, make adult decisions, then they are fully capable of handling then consequences of their actions.
It may not be the lifestyle you want for them but that's what your SD chose when she decided to get pregnant and keep the baby.
Exactly. It can be very hard,
Exactly. It can be very hard, emotionally, but it is what is best for all. Tough love is the kindest.
I am keeping my fingers crossed my SD gets through this last year without getting pregnant....because there is no way in hades I would have a baby in the house. I've been raising kids since 1984 FFS!!! I'm SO done.
Someone's irresponsible breeding habits are not your fault, nor
your problem.
Do not guilt yourself into owning this or financially supporting this.
My DW was a teen mom. 16 when my SS was born. Attended HS graduation (on time and with honors) with SS on her hip and moved out of state for univiversity with SS on her hip. She is so frustrated by people who think it has to end their life or limit their future.
It has to be extremely difficult to let this special needs young adult live her life and experience the results of her choices. Though IMHO, that is what has to happen.
I wish she was that driven
I wish she was that driven but unfortunately I think she will become more of a statistic than an exception. My mom was a 17 year old mom with me and my life suffered, she was not driven, not educated and we were poor. I am so scared for her with this decision
My MIL has been yelled at
with "Not everyone is like your daughter!!!" when she has tried to be supportive of people who share that their teen is pregnant.
My mom and dad married at 17 & 19. They had me at 19 & 21. I am the eldest of three boys though only 2 of us survived to 1yo.
Mom was not a single teen mom. So the challenges were not the same as what you and your mom experienced.
Though my DW and I married a week before SS turned 2yo, there is still some issues that both DW and SS struggle with.
I share your fear for your SD and her baby. Life can be hard enough without the challenges of unwed teen motherhood, being born to an unwed teen mother, and being abandoned or ignored by the teen father, or an older perve father for that matter.
I got pregnant in college.
I got pregnant in college. Finished school on Pell grants but that was the extent of the public assistance. I stayed on my parents' insurance until the birth, but my ex and I did get married so the baby and then myself were on my husband's insurance after that.
At 17, SD will likely be on public assistance at least a few years, but there's no reason she can't be off it and self-sufficient within 4-5 years. And there's no reason for you guys to have to drastically change your lifestyle, either, with all the public funding available. I thought my mom was SO MEAN, that she didn't want us living there and didn't want to babysit unless she had to, but i've seen the results of people who are enabled their whole lives, and i am grateful to her now.
I care about her, bad
I care about her, bad decisions and all so its hard. I have had a few friends suggest that my husband and I need to sit down and agree upon how much we are willing to help and hold each other accountable. I think its holding me accountable as I am a recovering codependent with people-pleasing tendencies and I tend to agree to things I don't even want to do. I worry my mother in law in her 70s will try to take on too much to assist but we will also have a conversation with her about this to make sure we are all on the same page.
As a recovering codependent,
As a recovering codependent, you are at special risk. So is SD. I say this because in my own family, there are people who were basically coddled as young parents. They now can't deal with their own kids. They hate to be around them because they never had to do the hard things. Now the parent (ok it's my sister lol) and the enabler (my dad, my mom who used to keep him grounded has passed) are stressed all the time. It's a constant "who's gonna take the kids?!" I agree with setting ground rules. If it were me, i would rather give money and do with less than live with a SD and baby, but that's me. But whether you give money or time (or neither), figure out what you can do ahead of time.
Also, if SD becomes a
Also, if SD becomes a statistic, that's on her, or the result of how she was raised. Either way, she will be who she wants to be. She has chances to be a responsible adult. She can use the help available or not. Whether or not you make yourself miserable and risk your health and marriage is on you and your husband. Hopefully he's on board with supporting SD's efforts to support herself and her family. If he wants to be a martyr, don't go down with that ship.
OMG NO!
OMG NO!
I believe they have to be in school to receive child support.
Im sorry but she chose to lay up and have a baby and now she needs to be asking that dude for support of his new family he created (him, plus SD, plus the baby)
Do NOT let them move in! You'll never get them out of you do.
As far as helping out - me personally I'd put a deposit on their new place, offer free childcare 1-2 times a month (or whatever your schedule allows), provide a box of some free baby clothes/box of diapers, then point them to church/government resources if they need more help, and call it a day.
You're not obligated anymore.
Massachusetts is tricky with
Massachusetts is tricky with CS. Up to 21 years of age if they are financially dependent on the custodial parent and 23 if they are in undergrad. BM may try to state the rental home is in her name but she is only offering my SD the child support money from her father I think she is forgetting that Massachusetts is a shared income model and for her to be actually supporting her daughter she would need to supply the 67% she is responsible for as she has always been the larger income maker. She would need to be supplying my SD with $2300 a month to be able to claim she is still supporting her. As soon as mom officially has her things out of the house, she isnt living there anymore then that hits prong #1 that my SD is 18 years of age and not under the support of her mother whether or not she attends hairdressing school. I see that a motion to the court could be as early as August and as late as Feb when she has the baby and is not attending school.
Would she consider adoption?
Would she consider adoption? I'm guessing probably not, or you would have mentionit. But if she won't have an abortion, maybe you and DH could start pushing her towards adoption. Keep talking to her about the cost of things and how you won't be able to help. And no, you should not feel guilty about not wanting to support another household.
She might need a taste of how
She might need a taste of how tough it is before she considers adoption. Making it easy for her will not end up well.
This was mentioned briefly
This was mentioned briefly and she did not seem interested. My husband kept being real with her and asking her how they planned on supporting themselves and the baby when there is no child support
Then I would assume she
Then I would assume she thinks this baby is her cash cow. That would not sit well with me and I would have real trouble helping her out. Point her to the government website.
I have sent her all the
I have sent her all the information for WIC, TANF, and MassHealth and offered to sit with her and her boyfriend to look at finances and a budget to ensure they are able to afford things. I think she is just romanticizing being a young mom so we just keep hitting her with reality
SMDH
Seriously... counting on child support for yourself as a means to "support" your own child.
And I dont expect this
And I dont expect this boyfriend to stick around and she will then most likely be chasing him for support. I told her not everyone is her father, many of my single mom friends deal with getting nothing from their children's fathers, hell one of them quiet his job when his CS went up
Imputed income can punish those who pursue underemployement
to avoid CS.
It certainly bit the Spermidiot in the ass when my DW finally filed for a CS review after 9yrs of $133/mo of CS. It went from $110/mo in the first two years to $133/mo when we defended the SpermClan's attempt to take custody from my DW. That hearing was a few days before SS-30's 2nd Bday. The result of the CS review after 9yrs was an increase to $785/mo.
The Spermidiot tried to minimize is wage. DW researched the county wage range for licensed plumbers, privided repeated instances where the Spermidiot was working under the table for cash (stealing side deal customers from his employer), etc...
The Judge took DW's informtion over the Spermidiots claimed income and imputed the mid point licensed plumber hourly rate to calculate the Spermidiot's CS. Rather than the rate the Spermidiot claimed which was below the minimum rate in that county.
The Spermidiot and the SpermGrandHag lost their minds when CS went up by nearly 600%. For the first time ever, and 9 years after being ordered to provide medical insurance SS, Spermidiot got med insurance for SS and then tried to invoke a review of CS to get the portion of his CS obligation associated with us providing insurance for SS reduced. The Judge refused to hear that requiest, and ... re-set the 2yr CS review period to begin on the date the reduced CS due to them providing insurance was requested. That was the last discussion on CS during out years under the CO.
I advised DW to call babymama#2 and babymama#3 to inform them of our 6X increase in CS and to avise them to invoke a CS review. But... DW is far more kind than I a and did not make that call.
If the Judge will use their brain and impute an income on a willfully under or unemployed NCP, the courts can actually demonstrate that the kids are their priority.
I'm the Mom of the 21 year
I'm the Mom of the 21 year old who dated and impregnated his 17.5 yr old girlfriend. I tell you that to tell you this, this is not an automatic will fail at life event. It depends on your SD and what her personal strengths are. In my case, my granddaughter's mom graduated HS, had a child and went on to nursing school. She had that drive inside of her. And she has raised an amazing now almost 15 year old. My son, sad to say did not step up and that's on him but the rest of us helped out to some degree when we could. We babysat during classes, we gave moral and some financial support. I'm proud of her but when they came to me and said she was pregnant I immediately asked them "what are you planning to do." because it was their's to figure out. Luckily she had a goal and she kept her goal strong and accomplished it. It wasn't easy, she gave up a lot to do it but she has found a way to work it out.
Sadly not every teen pregnancy makes it into a Pregnant on MTV series. I'm here if you need an ear.
Your GD's mom and my bride are two that made it.... though not
on TV.
A teen pregnancy definately does not have to mean life long failure.
My DW would not have paraded herself nor her child on TV. Not her style.
Your Grand Daughter is blessed to have her mom. And to have you.
I wish I could believe this
I wish I could believe this would be some life-changing event for her, but she cannot do hard things, and she never has shown the ability to do so, I blame a lot of this on BM for always "rescuing her" from any consequences. Now it looks like BM is DONE! and my SD is going to have a long road ahead where mom will not be rescuing her, it's so toxic. I wish she would be an exception but she won't. She doesn't even take care of herself, she does everything in her power to make things worse. She deals with a few difficult mental health diagnoses and took herself off all her meds back in the winter, including her birth control. Unfortunately, we don't think this pregnancy was an accident, which makes it harder.
Yes, it kind of looks as if
Yes, it kind of looks as if she stopped all meds to prepare for her pregnancy ... but is she really so responsible as to think ahead?
I would be very inclined to let her sink or swim.Give her guidance (how to get benefits, for example) but nothing else.
So since she presented us
So since she presented us with all of this information she has not been retruning calls or text. She text me and her grandmother on Fathers Day to let us know she wouldnt be coming to the cook out because she had beent throwing up all day. Ive asked her about her ultrasound (seems too early for one) and provided her with information for WIC, TANF and MassHealth. Its all in limbo as her pregnany continues on, each day closer to a point of no return.
My husband is livid, he doesnt know what to say to her at this point or what to do. I am not providing too much suggestions, its not up to me.
Is there anyway that her having a baby will not also drastically change our lives? He seems set on not supporting this pregnancy, not supporting financially, or allowing her at anytime to live with us. We live 25 minutes away from where she lives so its not like proximity will just be her with a baby here all the time. We talked with my in-laws and they agree and my MIL was like "I am almost 74 years old, I am not having a baby in this house"
We all had offered her a place to stay while she was in school because mom abandoned her in their rental house, she wanted no part of it because it would be less freedom for her, seeing as she has spent most of the time alone because mom just left her all the time.But none of us want her, baby and boyfriend in our homes, so when the child support from my husband ends very soon, they wont be able to afford the house they are living in. DH has not spoken with BM at all about this, but they rarely communicate normally.
I know that if this pregnancy continues and she has a baby, DH will not be able to turn his back on his grandchild...I just feel like we will never have any peace. The balance to support but not over support seems so hard, at least for someone like me.
I think that if you know you
I think that if you know you will struggle with this situation then you need to get yourself to therapy so you can learn how not to over do for SD. There's a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend that would be very beneficial for you too. I highly recommend it to you. SD suffers from a case of learned helplessness. The more incapable she acts, the more people do for her. That has to stop. You need to know how to stop yourself. I think this is every step parent's worst nightmare.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the recommendation, I will look for that book now.
My therapist retired 6 months ago and I have been dragging my heels because its so much work finding a new one but I really should
"Is there any way..."
You asked if there was any way this wouldn't impact you. I worry for you because I've seen from my step-granddaughter that it DOES affect the parents. Leaving aside my SD, the grandmother, who is unstable anyway, my step-GD's dad and his wife (same position as you) have recently split up. I hear the issue was his over-involvement with step-GD and her issues.
I don't know the answer for everyone but in our case, if step-GD worked, was in school, ANYTHING, there would be a chance of meeting someone else, earning some money, preparing for a future. So, if you can somehow enforce that, make some kind of conditions, long-term it will help. My step-GD is terrified of losing her benefits, also is self-conscious, whatever. The bottom line is she's sitting in that apartment with her son and anytime something happens, car trouble, new bill, sickness, she's calling SD or her dad in a panic.
Impact
It is going to be very hard to not impact her, because SD is in no way capable of raising a child on her own without a huge amount of support. Sad facts.
This is what scares me and
This is what scares me and exhausts me. I've been with my husband for 8 years, and 6 of those have been so challenging with everything related to my SD. I thought getting her through school was hard enough, but now this. I wish she could see she is unprepared and try to become an adult without this added challenge.
Abortion or nothing
I'd tell her "we'll pay for the abortion and birth control but nothing else. Take it or leave it. And by pay for I mean the costs will be paid by us directly to the medical providers and pharmacy, we won't be giving you the money to take to them." Especially since your dh is not being swayed by her stupidity (I think if this were my dh, I'd have to do more legwork to convince him to get to where your dh already is.)
Since she doesnt live with us
Since she doesnt live with us she is just not responding to us when we reach out. This is normal behavior on her part where she shows up to make sure that she is still loved and supported but if we say anything she doesnt agree with she tends ot avoid us for a week or month.We have both reached out this week with no response.
If I were you, I would have a 1000 line spreadsheet of topics
she will not agree with your take on. Play them one at a time.
That should keep her away for.... the rest of your life.
Unless she grows a brain and some quality character. In which event, she will probably not get her fee fees hurt when she is told something she does not want to hear.
Craziness
So she has "avoided" talking or seeing us for a month now, a week and a half after she told us, she talked to her grandmother who said all the things we did. She told her grandmother that she just needed some time to digest what we said. Then she avoided us, then she went on vacation and then we went on vacation. All the while not responding to us outside of things that have nothing to do with her being pregnant. So now she is 10 weeks pregnant and just avoids us. But and the BIG BUT is that its her 18th birthday in a month and she will certainly come around for that or expect me to throw her a party. which I have already made the decision not to, its less about "punishing her" and more that she feels she can just come in and out of our lives, throw things at us and when we say something she doesnt want to hear she just stays away and hopes it passes. She is more and more becoming like her NPD mother which means I will want nothing to do with her soon enough. I am not sure what she thinks she will do with no family support but she is 17 and knows everything.
This is no right or wrong answers
This is up to you and DH. I assumed she is covered by your insurance , So let them pay. You should see a lawer ASAP. To actually see where you stand. If you want to cut CS. Then stop it. If you want nothing to do with the baby, have nothing to do with it .
You are upset with SD. BUT. What does DH actually feel about this. Is he blowing smoke up your ***. Is he going to give in. ? you do what you want SD is doing what she wants , her life is not your problem. Most likely hairdressers school will allowed her to take a break. And finish after baby is born.
Honestly if it wasnt for me
Honestly if it wasnt for me my husband may have given up on her years ago. He has been manipulated by his ex and daughter for years, he has been lied to, cut off from parenting decisions and he is exhausted. The last time we went to the lawyer to see about custody the lawyer at that point advised unless she wanted to live with us we shouldnt puersue it because it would have been a nightmare (she was 14 at the time).
I have no faith that if she starts hairdressing school prior to baby being born she will return, she doesn have the means or the support system ( we are not raising her kid, her grandmother is not raising her kid and her mother who has abandoned her time and time again is certainly not raising it. She will be lucky enough if she maintains employment, as I mentioned she is not an exception, she is lazy, unmotivated, made school a living hell so they would just pass her each year while missing 60+ days a year. She has NO drive, so getting her into hairdressing school and finishing was already going to be a challenge, now with a baby on the way...
If she goes for government program
They will make her go after BF for support
You can not start giving her money. When CS ends, like now. That's it, think about it.
If you start giving her $1000 a month. She gets an apartment, all what's goes along with that. HOW do you stop? SD we are stopping the $1000: a month you will have start living on the street.? She could never make up that money. That's $1300 before tax money. That's three week work, pay at 40 hr a week $11 a hour.
Agree
If you give her money you will only be enabling her and making her more and more dependent on others. Make her struggle and she might make progress.
BM figured out
She would be stuck with child care so she jump ship.
Do you realize that SD is not going to take care of this baby. She will be giving this kid to anyone who will take it, New BF. Can't have baby on a date. You will be come the mother. And getting no credit for it. It will be like it's your kid. You will not be able to do anything because you have a baby. Like real.
How goes it?
How are things? Has SD responded? Still in babyland?
BM said that CS goes until SD-17 finishes beauty school?
BM said that CS goes until SD-17 finishes beauty school?
Why TF does BM decide that? What does the CO say?
Most States CS goes to 18 or HS graduation whichever is the later.
The baby, is irrelevant to the CS. If she is old enough to choose to breed it and keep it, she is old enough to take care of it... and herself.
My DW was a 16yo HS student when SS was born. He was born a few weeks before the start of her Sr year in HS. She worked nearly full time, stayed in HS instead of dropping out and going to the pregnant girl GED program that the adminsitrators pushed her to do, graduated with her class with honors, lived in an old travel trailer on the side of her parent's house with the baby. My ILs did buy the used inexpensive travel trailer and hooked it up to their water, power, and sewer. That was it.
DW supported SS and the SpermDaddy helped until DW kicked him out for cheating with yet another 16yo Statutory Rape victim. He was not allowed on my IL's property after that. About the time SS turned 1yo, DW filed for paternity and CS against the Spermidiot. CS was set at a whopping $110/mo.
My DW went on to complete university with a double major (Mgt/Acctg) with honors, an MBA with honors, and has had a great career as a CPA. While she was in University she was on WIC, had subsidized day care ($1/day), and received medical insurance coverage for SS then ~1yo. That was the extent of her benefits. She worked three jobs while attending Uni full time. That is where we met.
When Kidults make the decision to have sex, they can immediately be adults and should be required to be adults by the authority figures in their lives.
If I were SD's daddy, I would make that happen. She chooses to play mommy, she can play mommy and Kidult and support herself.
By all who were there when DW failed her pregnancy test, she grew up immediately. Her boss said she went from teen girl to young woman immediately. She became his most reliable and best worker over night. Her teachers, neighbors, and her friend's parents all said the same thing. Kids who choose to breed, should have no other choice. IMHO.
If my DW can do it, it is possible for anyone who is given no other choice. SD can terminate the pregnancy, give birth and keep it, or give birth and put it up for adoption. But... she should not be able to pawn it off on others to support while playing mommy and putting on the mantle of single mom. And... the SpermDaddy, should be on the hook for a shit ton of CS if she chooses to keep it.
While it is her choice and her choice alone, she has to be forced to own it regardless of what she chooses.
Just my opinion of course.
You know SD is just blowing snoke
She will never finish anything. She was in a high school where if you showed up, you passed. Did she take the SAT Type test for colleges.? She will just take money from any place she can get it. CS should end. Contact a lawer. Parents don't get CS Basically you must disengage from SD, or you will be her bank account. Your money will be her money.
where on earth BF mother will be getting rent money from her DIL. That SD will be paying or you will be paying the rent for BF and BF mother. And it's only will get worst. Disengage, she wants a child let her work for it. She can do hairdressing school, and work full time