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Text from SD- SMH

RisingtheWave80's picture

So after the last month of DH letting SD know she is welcome in our home as long as she understands she will be held accountable for her actions, DH sent a text to her on Sunday saying "We are going to your aunts house for Father's Day if you would like to come" 

She then responded with "I will no longer be over while you are intoxicated. when you drink you turn into a bad person and I do not feel comfortable being around it any longer. Your ways of drinking have caused me and my family a lto of pain. I do not respect your choices of drinking and will not be coming ovwer until you can commit to being fully sober while I am in your household"

So let me set the record straight- I rarely drink, unecessary calories but DH drinks PBR's and RARELY too many. On maybe 2 occassions I have seen him drink too much, normally it's when he is working outside all day, drinking 4% beers and doesn't eat. But I am not going to tell another adult not to drink at all.

So SD keeps looking for reasons not to be in our home, BM is a Disney Mom with no rules or consequences for bad behavior. SD has yet to apologize to her father or admit her part in the last day she was in our home when we had to call the cops on her. of course she wants to be in moms house.

Secondly a conversation I had with SD a few months ago she was telling me that her mom was now sober (never had a drinking problem but is with a recovering alcoholic) because her boyfriend doesn't drink, well based on social media I know this to not be true so I was like "Really because she drinks while she is out" and her response was "well we don't have alcohol in the house and maybe she has one glass of wine (honey one glass of wine equals 3 of your dad's beers, the ones you hate him for drinking)

I think this comes from her mom, I think the email sounded too scripted to be coming from a 13 year old. I believe PAS is at play here, which is amazing that she speaks so badly about DH but then wants him to BEG their daughter to come over.

Last night he simply responded with "I will tell your aunt not to expect you on Sunday" and didn't address the message from her. I think it's a trap and was planned by BM and her together. I think anything they can get in writting that is discoverable is always a trap, BM is VERY good at writing shaddy bitch emails and I always assist him in responding.

Not sure how to assist him in responding: I thought for him to just say "Sorry you feel this way" but he is thinking he would send something to BM and SD so they both are on the same page. I think keeping BM out of this and dealing with his daughter himself. I also was being petty last night and joked that he should reply "Well you are welcome in this house if you can pass a drug test" Funny the fucked up kid who falunts getting high on social media is telling daddy how to live his life.

hereiam's picture

"I will no longer be over while you are intoxicated.....Your ways of drinking have caused me and my family a lto of pain. I do not respect your choices of drinking and will not be coming ovwer until you can commit to being fully sober while I am in your household"

Haha, 13 year olds don't talk like that. I think his response was perfect, I would not have addressed the drinking, either.

RisingtheWave80's picture

because she is talking about her, her mother, and her brother. I don't know I still don't believe this was her writing and not her typing what her mother told her to.

Capricorn63's picture

Just quoted some comments from her health education teacher.  This all hits too close to home for me.  I would be very happy to not have this teen girl around.

His response was perfect.  Sounds like he has a budding "controlling woman" in the future.

RisingtheWave80's picture

She is 100% her mothers daughter. Each day that she is not in our home, the better I feel. 26 Days so far ! (Normally she was in our hom Sunday-Wed each week)


Wiseone12's picture

It has taken me 20 years to do what I should have done all along: Mind my own business. 13 year old kids don't speak like that. She is torn between her parents. As a stepmother, leave it to your husband to handle this. He seems to have a great grasp on how to respond to her because he remembers the dynamic of the marriage he had with her mother, which you had nor have a part in. I have learned the stepkids and their mothers as well as the hubby will look to displace blame. Unfortunately, the stepparent is the fall guy and collateral damage. The hubbs asked for his grandchildren for the summer after I said "no". He promised to "take care of everything " while they were to be with us. His version of doing that is fun and games for him and them while I am constantly running around picking up, cooking and cleaning. Thankfully, my lucky stars had my back. The father of the grandkids found a new baby momma and decided he was too busy to bring them and is now in Jamaica, probably making another baby. I finally sat the hubbs down and was completely honest. I am over his kids and their kids. My summers are MY summers. I am sharing this in response to your post because I don't want you making my mistakes. Also, if you want your step kid to hate you, keep speaking to her negatively about her mother. No matter what you do, if you did not get her from birth, you will never be her mother. If she has expressed a concern about drinking let her mother and her say what they want. Donot allow them to remotely control your home. Support hubby from afar. Don't write any emails on his behalf defending your home and your activities there. Please step back before it takes two decades to have your epiphany the way I just had mines. Love shouldn't involve trauma or ptsd. I have it just because I thought we could and would live happily ever after. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

I have never spoken badly about her useless mother, to the contrary I have made excuses for her mothers actions to her on many occassions, because I honestly wish she was just a better parent. SD speaks to me about the horrible things she does to her mother and her actions. All I did was clarify that what she was saying was not true.

My DH is not good responding and runs everything by me when he is writing text and emails. I am just better at verbalizing what he is mumbling about. he is thankful for this and doesn't think it is me overstepping.

Everything is daughter does direclty affects me, it directly affects our home and the energy that exist there. I have been working on being a force of good but that seems to not work anymore. I have already told DH that if and when she is in our home again that I am not cooking for her, being her additional therapist, driving her places or picking her up. I recuse myself from any parental duties with regards to his entitled non-appriciative daughter.

RisingtheWave80's picture

I also told him a couple weeks ago that if we were still going on vacation in a few weeks and if by chance she appears in our life that I am NOT bringing her and he understood 100% I am lucky to have a good man that knows that anything I do for his kid is above and beyond what I have to do.

Harry's picture

Looks like BM is filling her head.  This is not the way a 13 yo writes.  This is BM writing the letter.  They are setting you and DH up.  Unfortunately SD is lost to DH at this time.  Unless you want to de an ATM to SD you have to face that.  Yes SD will take gifts and money but that about it.  She does not like rules 

RisingtheWave80's picture

I think he is finally seeing this as last night he said to me "You said it was only a matter of time before she would choose BM's house over ours but if she just wants to be unhappy and create drama and chaos, I don't want that in my home" 

momjeans's picture

O M G. This would have me laughing for days.

If it’s not BM behind this, I’d say the view must be pretty damn nice on top of that high horse SD is sitting on, after walking this wretched earth for all of 13 years.

That was a perfect, non-baiting response, btw.

Want2's picture

So it’s you behind the father’s responses and BM behind the daughter’s. Ergo SM and BM sparring by proxy. This is so dysfunctional. Why are you playing this sick game? What are you hoping to gain? Butt out and let father deal with his ex and daughter. Shame on you for being so manipulative.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Sorry I am not manipulating anything, I help him word his responses because he sucks at writing but everything is his thoughts not mine.  When I help him write his responses its because BM is trying to trap him or she is wording things in a way to make it appear that the issue is DH at all times. I am female I understand the shady shit females pull.

RisingtheWave80's picture

I hope to gain and have acheived to have a DH who stands up for himself and isn't abused by ex and child drama. When I read a text or email from his ex I see what she is pulling. Nothing more, nothing less. I have been nothing but a positive force in his daughters life, in his life and I know BM actually likes me more than DH because she makes snide remarks to him about how he is lucky to have me. There is no sparring I just am helping to protect the man I love from a crazy ex wife.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Prime Example:

BM sends email following the episode where Sd lost her shit and started breaking things in our house and words it "Due to the situation that occurred in your home today, I believe it is best for SD to stay with me this week"  I recommended the response to put an end to her discoverable bullshit (because everything she writes appears that she is ready to go to court) such as "yes, due to SD outburst that resulted in destruction of my property, I believe that would be best"


stepper47's picture

Our stories are like a mirror, it would not surprise me one bit if my SD sent DH a text like that, and I would presume it came from her mother also.  DH does like beer, I would not say he drinks excessively, but he will often have a beer with dinner or when relaxing, and that would make for a great target to criticize.  My SD sent DH a similar tone text a few months ago after her own drunken incident.  She was supposed to be grounded for a week and made sure to stay at her mother's for that period, bc her mom didnt enforce it.  A couple weeks later, she asked about having a friend stay the night at our house, and DH told her  no bc she hadn't served her grounding.  She sent back a long text about how she would not be coming back while he was trying to enforce it because he and BM had agreed on a week, and he is not allowed to change it without talking to BM bc that is called coparenting.  So she was just going to stay with her " real parent" until he can learn to communicate.   Seriously....I have no words anymore.  He didn't either, and didn't make her come over, which turns into "you're an awful father who never wants to spend time with meeeeeee".  Feels like there is no way to be successful in this situation.  I feel your pain...I get people saying to stay out of it, bc truly we would be better off if we could shut it out, but when it is something important and negative that impacts your life partner, your household, and the overall tone of life, it is really hard to do that.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Everyday is something new even when she isn't in our home. So yes being part of the problem solving team MATTERS because it all has an affect on my life too. I am not in a bubble from the drama. SD used me as her sounding board and therapist all the time because BM kept ripping her out of therapy when it was determined that BM was an issue. I would listen for hours will she ripped her mother apart and just shoke my head and told her I understand. I realize now that even I was being manipulated by his daughter when I thought we had a good and solid relationship. But how can I NOT care, how can I not be part of the conversation? Because 9 times out of 10 I am the only rational one in the room. I have helped DH become a better communicator, I have helped him in learning how to relate to a teenage girl, I have helped her to understand her father does the best he can but he isn't perfect and that people in general are flawed. I have done a lot of good so now that shit hits the fan I am supposed to just walk away from it. I am invested.

I don't believe the BS that stepparents cannnot be involved. I was raised by parents who were married three times each, I thank my lucky stars for my stepfather every day that entered my world when I was 13. Because he was that person to me that I was to my SD. But now she hates everything about our home, which includes me apparently. So no I don't believe the bullshit that Stepparents need to "mind their own business" because if it is happening to you or in your home it is your business.

stepper47's picture

Agreed.   The fact that we are not the first wives and we did not give birth to our stepkids does  not make us any less invested in what is happening.   I get so frustrated with people who act like we have no right to have input in our family situations.  Like we are less important that the original family members, or that we have bad intentions.  I chose this family, DH and kids both.   I want to make it work more than anything.  When I see it is not working, it breaks my heart.  It is hard to ignore that, and I am not going to let my DH carry his broken heart by himself.

I think too, that bc we don't have that invisible biolagical tie, it allows us to see things a little more clearly.  My DH has told me that he appreciates that.  Doesnt always mean we agree, but we talk about whatever is going on and approach it as a team these days.  Once upon a time we did not....we stayed in our own little corners and it almost cost us our marriage.  

My parents have each been married 3 times also! I think you are my long lost twin lol

Siemprematahari's picture

The projection is serious with these about the pot calling the kettle black....


RisingtheWave80's picture

And since when is it okay for kids to tell their parents how to live their lives? I mean seriously it's not like DH is a horrible deadbeat father who abuses his kids?

Ispofacto's picture

This reminds me of Voldemort's campaign to paint DH as an alcoholic, while they were in a custody battle, and she was losing, badly.

Voldemort tried to get an order that DH couldn't drink any alcohol during his parenting time.  He refused, because he's a functional adult without an alcohol problem, he does enjoy an occasional beer with dinner, and refuses to be controlled by HCGUBM.  We picked Killjoy(then8) for his weeknight dinner visit and went to a restaurant, where DH ordered ONE BEER with his dinner.


Killjoy: You're not supposed to have beer.  *rage face*

DH: I'm a responsible adult and can have beer when I want.

Killjoy: Casey Anthony drank beer.  *rage face*


Right.  DH is going to MURDER YOU and put you in a GARBAGE BAG in his TRUNK.  Let's compare DH to Casey Anthony.  Let's imply, to our 8-YEAR-OLD that her OWN FATHER is going to STRANGLE HER TO DEATH.

What POS these BMs are.

But wait, I don't think alcohol was Casey Anthony's DOC.  I think she abused presription drugs, and didn't have a job, and was an utter narcissist, just like...Voldemort!


So yes, BM is most likely behind this, and it needs to be addressed.


Six months later, we were at our neighborhood block party, where all the parents were eating the picnic and drinking beer.

Me: Hey, Killjoy, the parents are drinking beer.

Killjoy: *bitch face*

Me: Remember when you compared your dad to Casey Anthony?  *conspiritual face, whispers*  Do you think all these parents are going to go home and murder their children?

Killjoy: I never said that.

Me: Ah, yes, the gaslighting...


RisingtheWave80's picture

How does one address this? Because a commenter above called me a manipulator because I help DH work thru things like this. DH thinks since we're both pretty sure that this email came from BM he's just going to write BM calling her out on it or do we just leave it alone? 

Stuff like this happens all the time whenever SD is mad at DH she starts bringing up all these things her mother has told her about him, that are not true. We have never talked s*** about her mother in front of her. But apparently BM does all the time. She's alienating the parent that she wants to have her kid 50% of the time. It makes no sense why she needs to pretend to be the better parent because SD utilizes her for anything she can get from her. 

It's so frustrating and I can tell each step of the way DH's soul is a little more crushed. Happy at least his son will be at Father's Day, one kid showing up at the very least ...oh and they may drinks some beers 

Ispofacto's picture

For one thing, a kid this age does not get to make adult decisions.  If the court will back you up, which is a big IF, DH needs to enforce his parenting time.  He needs to make it clear to SD that he is the adult and she is the child.

Then you need to stealthily engage the thinking part of her brain.  It should be done when her guard is down, in a calm relaxed manner.  Ask her questions and make her think about them.  What specifically did DH supposedly do that caused SD "a lot of pain"?  Approach this with empathy, because there is a very small chance she has a legitimate gripe.  If it likely turns out to be bullcrap, start pointing out to her in public all the other parents who are having drinks.  Ask her why BM would put something like that into her head.  Stuff like that.  My DH isn't as smart as me, so he doesn't know how to do this, and Killjoy doesn't feel she needs to answer me when I speak with her, so I gave up because I felt I was gonna lose my temper.  You have to be cool about it.  Maybe a counselor would help, but BM would likely resist that.

It may work, it may not.  Most of the time a person has to be removed from a cult before they can be reasoned with. 

You're not being manipulative, just ignore that.  But you may not be able to help, and you may need to disengage for your own sanity.  Limit your exposure.  There's only so much toxicity a person can handle, and you didn't create this monster.


StepUltimate's picture

You get to vent here on StepTalk, and you don't have to justify yourself. This forum has a couple of regulars who like to get cheap thrills slamming whatever the original poster (OP) writes. It's okay to ignore or delete those people.

Rags's picture

Time to slap BM with a contempt motion each and every time SD fails to be surrendered on DH's CO'd visitation schedule.

See how the toxic spawn likes seeing mommy get her ass chewed by the Judge and the threat of Daddy getting custody because of BM's interference in his relationship with his daughter.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Here is the issue: So originally DH showed me the CO a couple years ago and I was blown away with there being NOTHING in it outside of 50% of clothing and medication and carrying life insurance. Well when we went to the attorney this winter and he looked at it and was like "Man you were screwed (but not really) who drew up this CO, then he proceeded to look up the attorney on the documents and made a comment that this went thru the court and was approved without ANY formal parenting plan and stated "if your exwife wanted to say you could never see your daughter again, according to this you have no recourse"

This was the same discussion I had with DH many times when BM would always say "It's up to us to be flexiable and you being her dad should have her when I am working because you are her parent" but in reality they never had a parenting plan. So the lawyer was like "You could file to implement a parenting plan" but then we started talking custody with us and it got complicated so we made no real decisions that day outside of NOT trying to go for full custody of an angry teenager who didnt want to be in our home to begin with.

So as the CO (or lack of one) exist we have no recourse. At this moment if BM is not forcing her daughter to come to our home, we cannot do anything. Plus why do we want her to be forced to be in our home? She will make our life a living hell. SD has been trying to get her mom to take a non-traveling job as long as she has been old enough to create enough chaos and that is also something that is happening currently. BM normally travels 2-3 days per week for work but hasn't in 4 weeks (appparently they are letting her work from home> I think she may have already lost her job) but she gave in, she allowed SD to decide what she wanted and SD took all the things she loved that we didn't pay for out of her room in our house with the intention of never coming back.

So the takeaway is that there is no visitation schedule it has just been understood as Sunday to Wednesday for the last couple years, we took her Sundays so we could have fun times but she has spent most of her time with us grounded or with lose of privilages the last year so of course she doesn't want to be in our home.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Last night I was cleaning up SD's room, after a month of her not being there I was concerned with the amount of garbage and open food in her room. While dumping her garbage can into a large bag out tumbles a JUUL cartridge box and some crumpled up rolling papers. So just gave them to DH when he got home and his response was "great kid huh?" even after she denied that she had a vape when she got caught at school and her VSCO social media shows JUULS, Bowls, Weed, and Blunts. But yeah Kid, tell your father how to live his life

RisingtheWave80's picture

So final question: Do you think that DH should address the text from his daughter or just let it be? I worry that this text may end up coming up in court at somepoint to try to paint DH as an alcoholic or bad person. He is the most responsible person I know and his drinking is not an issue, at least while I have been in his life, I cannot speak to how it was when he was with his ex because their relationship was fairly toxic and sometimes people deal with things the wrong way when their life is in shambles.

Or does he let it go and see what happens? Should he address this text with BM, since we both think she is the one behind this? His daughter won't even talk to him so trying to have a conversation with her is difficult, it appears this is just excuse 100 for her not to be in our home and I am sure she will have more over time.

I just worry for DH that this will become an issue in the future, him being the "bad guy" by both his ex and daughter.