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Adult SD tries to move in with I’m the enemy

betsyhope's picture

Seven years into our marriage, my 27 y o SD asked to move in, with her 6 and 3 y o boys. She had just been evicted (first I had known about it). She has a history of disrespect toward me, swearing, yelling, name calling...

My husband does not ever stand to her...if he tries she will threaten to withhold the grandchildren’s company from him. 

I told my husband I felt it wouldn’t be good for us or our marriage for them to move in. Arguing ensued, he finally told her she could not (but didn’t represent us as a unified front, said I was the one saying no). 

She’s unemployed, disrespectful, smokes, in debt and without a clear plan I didn’t see success ahead for any of us with this arrangement. My relationship with my husband was already on somewhat thin ice....this wasn’t going to help.

in short, he was livid with me for saying no, said he never wanted to sleep in the same bed with me ever again, would barely look at me. My SD sent me a text that I’m a terrible woman and she hopes I can sleep at night. He has told me he could have moved them in and there’s very little I could do about it. I talked to an attorney and believe it or not....this is somewhat true.

I’ve now recently filed for divorce...but I’m grieving. Never thought a 27 y o stepdaughter could ruin my marriage, but it has. Guess it wasn’t too strong it begin with. I’m stunned he wouldn’t stand with me and put our marriage first. I feel ganged up on....







tog redux's picture

Your SD didn't ruin it (though she sounds like a nightmare) - your husband ruined it. His inability to put you first and stand up to his adult daughter was the cause of your divorce.

Good for you for leaving and not just staying around to take this abuse (and yes- it's emotional abuse to refuse to sleep in the bed with someone ever again because they didn't agree with what you want).

betsyhope's picture

Thank you for this moment of clarity...I’m going to have to absorb this for a bit....but you are right. He’s not standing up for us and our marriage. He’s a cop and no wimp...but can’t bring himself to stand up to her. He actually didn’t know about her till she was 11 ( his GF didn’t tell him she was pregnant before they broke up, he quickly married someone else). He has been spoiling her ever since he found out about his daughter when he met her at 11....his last marriage broke up I think for almost this same reason, ugh.

Harry's picture

He was putting his DD and her kids ahead of you and his marriage.  You could not live that way. Your marriage would of ended one way or another.   
hope he happy supporting his DD 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, please don't listen to CG. She is not a step parent and all too often tries to blame them for issues that are not of their making. She also seems to be woefully ignorant of the high divorce rate common in certain occupations.

I'm also a LE wife, and have been around long enough to know that it brings its own set of challenges. It's pychologically difficult work, and many officers develop unhealthy coping mechanisms that bleed into their home life. The shift work and emotional impact have been cited as relationship killers, and it's also been suggested that the occupation attracts and employs personality types that are prone to divorce and relationship problems.

While no one is perfect, it seems you were up against a stacked deck with a partner who isn't willing to listen or work on marital problems. The divorce rate for second marriages is conservatively estimated to be 67% (for third marriages it's a whopping 73%); add in the stresses of police work with its own high divorce rate plus the stresses of step issues, and you've got a recipe for failure.

You applied logic and common sense to the issue, while your H is being controlled by emotion. Fine. I know you're hurting now, but you'll be able to move on in a healthy way, while he will be a victim of his own problems and limitations. His hardbroke train wreck of a daughter will bleed him dry, and no woman with an iota of intelligence will want anything to do with that circus. I'd say you're the clear winner.

Thumper's picture

I tend to agree with CG.

OP I am sorry. It is painful and sometimes confusing.

We are here when you need us.

Edit to add this....I would NOT have agreed to sd moving in. Would not agree to my own adult bios moving in either.



SacrificialLamb's picture

I don't even read CG's comments. Anyone who hangs out on a step-parenting board who is not an SP has their own psychological issues that make her not a good source of advice

bananaseedo's picture

I have always wondered if the kids are fictional and the niece is actually HER kid that her and her ex agree to never disrupt.  Who knows.

Mandy45's picture

I got step daughter in a similar situation to yours. Many times she tried to move back in kids and all ive always stood my ground said no im not having it. Lucky for me my husband always agreed. But there comes a time when you just have to stand your ground. Think about yourself. Do you really want to live in a shaky marriage. With your SD and her kids lounging running around the place. Like it not good your marriage ended because of this. Hope you got all the means you need to get back on your feet again. 

It might not seem like it now but your be better off. Because chaos will follow in this situation for your husband. You do not want to be in the middle of it. 


CLove's picture

But it sounds like you have dodged a big bullet - and you have a bright future ahead with all types of new possibilities.

bananaseedo's picture

Time to grieve, I"m sorry for your loss.  A loss of a marriage is a huge loss and my heart feels for you.  It's never easy, regardless of circumstance.  You will get though this.