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Calling me names

ADBHxxx's picture

Hi

my 1st post here, I’m desperate for advice and help. 

We have a newborn 4 month old and 4 stepkids from my husbands previous marriage. They are 8,10,15 and 17. I get on really well with all of them. They visit two days per week and stay. My husband and I have been married for a year and together 4 years. We met when he was in the midst of a divorce and we moved in pretty soon after.

My issue is since my little girl has been born he has started calling me names during arguments. He blew up at me when it was his daughters birthday because I didn’t agree to dropping my baby with his mum so I could help with lifts, he came at me with fists clenched, called me names ‘b***ch’ and why can’t I just be normal. I had been at home preparing his daughters cake all morning. 

Yesterday he called me a ‘f***ing c***’ because I wouldn’t hand him our daughter when she was crying from teething pain. He claimed I was embarrassing him in front of his friends and he could soothe her like I can. 

What has happened to my husband?? I’m so sad and upset. I love his kids, he knows that but he never compliments me anymore or says I’m doing a good job with th em.

im at a loss and feel I’m always making an effort with his children and sorting the house out etc and he just is so angry with me all of a sudden? I asked him if anything was wrong and he said no, I asked why he wants to be with someone he hates so much he calls names and he said he loves me and we have been getting on so well.

my husband has a temper but has never been aggressive to me before just gone for lunch doors/walls etc 

xxx thanks for reading ridiculous long post 

SteppedOut's picture

Maybe he has been hiding his full true self and now that you have a baby he feels like "you can't leave him now.". 

I would definately get to the bottom of this behavior, quick. 

Modernworld1011's picture

I am crying reading your post!!!! This is so wrong!!! I worry for you and your baby. There is no excuse for this behavior ever!!! If I were to be charitable towards your spouse, I would guess that he is worried about his kids feeling sidelined by the baby. Divorced dads seem to often worry excessively about their children’s potential hurt feelings at the expense of everyone else’s rights and feelings, particularly the wife. That said his words and behavior truly frighten me for you! Please if you feel frightened leave. Sending hugs! You do not deserve this!!  

tog redux's picture

Most abusers do not start abusive behavior until there is a commitment in place. What he's doing is abusive - nip it in the bud now before he starts hitting you - but it may be that you have to get out entirely.

Notup4it's picture

I agree with Tog, this is sounding like classic start to abuse.  You get married or have a kid and then they think you are “stuck” and the gloves come off. 

This is also the sort of behaviour some people exhibit when deep down they want out of their situation and feel stuck. They will start lashing out in mean ways. 

susanm's picture

Not making excuses for his behavior at all so please don't think that for a second but he may be feeling sudden panic and not know what to do with his feelings.  To many men a baby is not real until it is here.  He may be experiencing an onset of "holy hell - I have FIVE kids - what if she wants another one - my first wife wanted four - OMG what am I going to do????"  That is totally on him.  He had four kids with one woman and married another woman who wanted kids.  So he needs to get a firm grasp on himself if that is what is going on. 

But you won't know until you ask.  I would wait until there is a moment with no kids around and, as gently as you can right now, ask him if he is feeling the pressure.  Maybe let him know that you feel nervous as a first time mom so, although your anxiety is different, both of you are in a bit of a fragile state right now.  Hopefully he will open up to you.  If not then you need to be firm in telling him that, if he won't tell you what his malfunction is, his problems can be his business but he better fix whatever is freaking him out quickly or he will be looking at a second set of alimony and child support payments.  He doesn't get to frighten you to make himself feel better.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Why didn't you give the baby over when she was crying? It would have given you a break and, after having 4 babies, he probably has a few tricks up his sleeve.

ADBHxxx's picture

Because he called me a ‘f***ing c**t’ for not listening to him. he told me to leave her to cry and just get home ASAP (we were giving some friends a lift back from a wedding). I stopped the car and said I couldn’t let her cry and got out the car to soothe her crying , this is when he came over with teeth clenched and called me the above and I was embarrassing him. He snatched my daughter off me and I was too scared to take her back.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

That's a whole different story. 

So now in both stories he is blowing up at you for taking care of the baby instead of driving a vehicle the way he wants you to. Does he not drive?

 

 

STaround's picture

When he was still married (as in midle of diorce?), and you moed in quickly? Why woul you expect decent behaivor from him? 

And it is "our" daughter, not "my daugher".  

Try counsleing, but I would nto expect a lot.  

tog redux's picture

What? What does the fact that he was in the middle of a divorce have to do with his behavior? I met DH when he was separated and he wouldn't dream of treating me this way.

Jcksjj's picture

Well...divorce proceedings can go on for years so I dont think it's fair to judge that.

Notup4it's picture

Well,  court classifies people as “legally separated”, so clearly there is a distinction. They wouldn’t call them “married” because they are not- they aren’t living as married people. 

My DH was divorced when I met him- but I have had friends who have been split from their ex’s and just haven’t filed due to finances or whatever and they are FAR from “married”.

When you are separated you do not file taxes jointly, you are entitled to different government benefits, and you no longer are entitled to one another’s savings/mortgages or anything of that nature..... so technically speaking, he’s there is a very firm distinction. 

STaround's picture

Yes, people can be legally seperated.  But not all people who say they are seperated are legally seperated.  

 

susanm's picture

Mt DH's divorce took over 6 years.  There were a lot of assets and BM was not going to stop filing petitions and objections until she got every penny she believed that she had "earned."  Anyone who believes that he should have put his life on hold for those 6 years and considered himself married is not in touch with how the world and human beings work.

Notup4it's picture

I personally think those who make slap shot/ blanket judgements of others as having crap character.... just saying.

Being confrontational and judgemental is much worse of a “character trait” than dating a guy waiting for court to burn that piece of paper. 

tog redux's picture

Welcome to 2019, CG. Dating a man who has not yet finalized his divorce is common and not considered "adultery" in modern times.  Since you and your alter ego, STaround, seem to live by Biblical standards, try this one on for size:

"Judge not, lest ye be judged".

Slinging around sanctimonious crap to people on the Internet isn't my idea of great character.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Thing.  Dating married men has always been common , but because something is common does not make it appropriate or acceptable.

However, that is just my opinion and it need only govern my behavior.

 I have no problem with my opinion being judged. Opinions are judged on a daily basis all over the world.

However, regardless of how long your divorce tskes, you are married until the judge decrees that you are no longer married.

Anyone doubting that to be the case, should try getting remarried with a decree having been rendered in a prior marriage. You can not tell a court that because you had a legal separation ,you assumed that you were no longer married.

Such an explanation would have no merit or standing in a court of law.

Notup4it's picture

But try filing taxes as being married to get benefits and you are separated and see what happens, Lol. They certainly draw a strong distinction there. 

Or try to get access to “martial assets” past the date that you were separated. Big distinction there as well.

tog redux's picture

What are you talking about? Dating a married man is not punishable by law.  Adultery laws may still exist in some areas, but I'd like to know the last time they are enforced.

You must be a lot of fun at parties.

betsyhope's picture

She’s clearly in an abusive relationship.....you harking back to that she and her HB started dating when his divorce wasn’t final isn’t helping her. Abuse is abuse...let’s not blame the victim here. This is a sad situation and dad calling  mom a “f...ingb..ch” while she is holding their newborn child is setting off a dozen alarm bells in my head. Potentially dangerous situation here....

 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Do not walk away from this.  Run away.  This is such a classic case of abuse.  He is clearly escalating his behavior.  He snatched your baby away from you and you were afraid of him!  That is not okay.  This is how it started with my exH.  He started with little digs at me, then it was full blown name calling and then it was physical.  It escalated quicklya after we were married.  I lived with it 10 years.  Now, six years later, I am still living with the fall out.  My current DH would never hit me or talk to me like that, but there are times when we argue that it causes me to flash back to that hell.  I am still dealing with the scars.

 

Your baby deserves better.  You deserve better. And despite whatever is going on with your husband, he needs counseling or anger management.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

DUMP HIM! Now you know why he has a divorce under his belt already.

He is abusing you!

My ex husband started with verbal abuse then put his hands on me. Run girl, run!

elkclan's picture

It doesn't always escalate to physical abuse, but I read a study that said that verbal abuse almost always happens before physical abuse - it's a step on the way. Sometimes they never get to physical abuse - until they snap and kill you. 

At any rate - the verbal abuse is bad enough. And if OP is in England - it's coercive control and against the law. 

elkclan's picture

It doesn't always escalate to physical abuse, but I read a study that said that verbal abuse almost always happens before physical abuse - it's a step on the way. Sometimes they never get to physical abuse - until they snap and kill you. 

At any rate - the verbal abuse is bad enough. And if OP is in England - it's coercive control and against the law. 

Notup4it's picture

My ex was sort of like this.... but not * quite as bad* my current DH would NEVER try this crap, cuz he knows he would die: my exH did the exact same thing with his next wife.... and the  one after that too (which says a lot in itself),

Look, this guy is abusive. He is in a frenzied state because there is another baby now too.  You can either walk on eff shells and hope he snaps out of it or you can leave. I’m telling you right now though that it WILL escalate to worse- just give it a tiny bit of time.  Your safety is in your hands here.

Curious Georgetta's picture

was not the first time that he used those words to address a women, but it should be the last time that he speaks to you that way.

Clearly ,he has no respect for women and may be capable of escalating from anger to rage to violence.

That is no way for you to live and no environment in which to rear kids.

If you were to ask his ex wife, it is quite likely that she could describe similar events.

You could try counselling, but sometimes the question becomes " do you want a fixed jerk? "

Only you can decide if you want to spend your life living in fear and walking on egg shells.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

And i would get my ducks in a row to leave him. And women are in the most

danger when they leave abusers,  btw.

be smart and be safe

LetLoveGrow's picture

In the beginning my husband would do different things to diminish me being a first time mom and would get super aggressive about things not being special or me being overly doting. It was almost like he didnt want my baby to be as special because it would make his other kid feel not so special. I shut that down really quickly. What worked for me was matching the aggression and disengaging from his situation. I'll add that my husband was never physically aggressive, just emotionally. He was just overly harsh and absent. He had to get over himself but I think he just didnt realize how he felt amd was lashing out at me over it. Once he saw I wasn't going to diminish myself or my baby he got over it. 

My suggestion to you is you do what makes you feel comfortable but the second that clenched fist comes up over his waist level it's time to fly the coop. Of he didnt have all that energy with his first wife why is he having it with you?

ADBHxxx's picture

Thanks everyone. I tried to have an honest chat with him this morning, I asked him if he was angry because he is feeling left out or upset I’m not more hands on with his children.....his response was nothing. He explained he is under a lot of pressure. I said it was no excuse to call me names. Again he blamed it on me and said I wound him up. I said you don’t talk to anyone at work that way and he said “I don’t get stressed at work”. Then he said “god, just divorce me then” and walked out the room..... he has gone out for the day now.

i hear you all and maybe I’m in denial but I’m gona say one more strike and your out. I’ve got to mean it tho. 

Winterglow's picture

Please note that he doesn't own his actions, note that he makes it YOUR fault... He's not going to change, it's always someone else's fault. I wouldn't give him one more strike. 

Do you want your children growing up thinking that this is how women should be talked to? Really?

I wouldn't waste any more time on him. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

He is a gaslighting ahole. I’m sure, if asked, my ex husband would pin the blame on me. Get away before it’s too late.

He shows contempt and hatred for you and turns it around on you. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior!

ndc's picture

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Rags's picture

This guy shouldn’t be your husband nor should you tolerate him anywhere near your baby.

Good luck

Lollybobs's picture

' He snatched my daughter off me and I was too scared to take her back.'

Then for the sake of both of you, you need to leave. Quickly.