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Wobblyjelly's picture

hi everyone. I’m new to here, but not new to being a stepmum. My stepdaughter will be 13 very soon. I don’t recall that it has been particularly awful over the last few years, but recently I’ve been having feelings towards my stepdaughter that make me feel uncomfortable - like resentment and major dislike. I am married to her dad and we have our own son who is nearly 4. Her mum and my husband were never in a relationship really. SD is the result of a one night stand. On the whole, the relations between both families is good, but I’m struggling with my SD as she gets older. She’s very tall and starting to be very opinionated on many topics that I find to be way too mature for her. Transgender issues, being non-binary etc. We get into conversations in general and then she gets all defensive about her dad and I having a different opinion to hers. She then shuts the conversation down quite rudely. I try to discipline her, but I feel like I’m treading on eggshells because she’s not my blood daughter. In general I don’t like her opinions, don’t like her cheeky tone and way and feel like DH never steps in to discipline her. He wants her to start coming to stay with us more often but the idea of spending weekends with her depressed me as she never engages with me. She’s not particularly friendly, barely has two words to say in answer to any question I pose and just sits on her phone looking miserable. I don’t look forward to seeing her, I don’t like the way she is and I’m scared I’m stuck with this and that she will only get worse as she gets older. I’m sure you have heard this all before but it feels good to vent here, so thanks for letting me! 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

She's a child, you're the adult. She does not have an equal standing in the household.

If she is rude to you, for ANY reason, in ANY way that you don't like, apply consequences.

I'd start with changing the wifi password and disabling her cellphone from your provider's website.

It's YOUR home. If you'd like her to keep her opinions to herself, you're within your means as a leader of your household.

If you don't feel like doing those things, tell your husband to do it, and if he doesn't, start applying consequences to HIM.

If none of that is possible, ignore her behind.

Steptalker2's picture

It’s normal for you to start disliking her around this age. I met SD when she was 10. She was fine the first year but She was a nightmare between the ages of 11-14. Now she’s 15 and much easier to deal with. I wouldn’t worry too much about her views on sexuality. That’s a normal stage kids go through.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

If Sd is ‘trying to be a grown up’ you could point out that part of being mature is the ability to respect that people are not always going to share the same opinion as her. 

She she not be rude to you in your own home, but that’s a tricky one and normally isn’t resolved overnight.

Rags's picture

DH needs to parent and if she gets lippy, you shut her down firmly.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Her opinions, particularly on these topics, don't matter.  She can have them when she is an adult.  Until then humans are binary, facts are not contestable, and she gets whatever opinion that the adults in the house give her.

When she is a self supporting adult, she can have an opinion. Nothing you and DH have to hear or even discuss with her since the topics she is choosing are more likely than not specifically chosen to get a rise out of the adults and drive drama.

IMHO of course.

Siemprematahari's picture

Address her when she's rude to you. Shut that DOWN ASAP and completely disengage. Have nothing to say or do with her and when she comes over go do your own thing. Treat yourself to a spa, go to a cafe and read a good book, join a gym and/or do a fun activity.

Keep yourself occupied and act like she's a non-factor. Let your H deal with her sh!tty attitude and if he asks you simply tell him that you're creating boundaries around his daughters disrespectful behavior and he should consider parenting her and giving consequences when she's not behaving up to par.....plain & simple!