How did the visitation come up? Or HAS he told you yet it's a visitation weekend? If he hasn't and is just "hemming and hawing" about going, I'd probably cancel the trip before it's too late, unless you're ok with a SK tagging along. (Would really put a cramp in the ole BJs. lol.) Then I'd examine why he didn't have the decency to tell you about it and address it like an adult rather than "hemming and hawing" about it.
If visitation is flexible then why can’t he just switch weekends? Honestly at this point I’d likely cancel the weekend & do my own thing. You’ve had this planned for months & he’s just springing this on you now? No thanks. And def skip the bjs, no rewards for sh*t behaviour.
You know what? I’m the only person who doesn’t give him shit when plans change. His kid and the BM? They FREAK out at him for the tiniest things.
He was supposed to come over last night. I had wine and snacks ready. He cancelled at 10pm, valid though as he was stuck at work. I should’ve lost it for once. Just once!
I agree with Gimlet, you shouldn’t have to lose it for him to take you seriously. At the same time, he absolutely needs to know that you mean business & you won’t put up with being last in line all the time. Respect is important in relationships, though it’s often overlooked.
I had this same conversation with my DH before we were married. I was always last, BM ruled the roost, and I was made to feel like I was the problem when I took issue with how things were happening. Until I had enough. I told DH, then BF, that if he was going to keep putting BM first ‘for the kids’, I was done. No longer was I going to tolerate being upset all to keep BM happy, and he needed to learn to prioritize ME if he wanted to stay together. BM’s emotions are for BM to manage, not him, and certainly not at my expense. I told him if he couldn’t manage that I was walking, because I deserved better than that.
You need to have a similar chat with your BF. He & BM are over, she doesn’t get to be in the drivers seat anymore, but it’s up to him to create and maintain those boundaries with her. If she freaks out, let her freak out. If he can’t do that for you, then you need to decide whether it’s worth it staying with a guy like that. Take care of you.
OR take one of your girlfriends, bring a lot of coffee/tea/alcohol/whatever you're into and have THE BEST TIME EVER!!!
Also, everything that Gimlet said. He is showing you who he is and what matters more. Pay attention to that as it will not change and only get worse if you move in together or get married.
DH, if he could, would take SDs on all vacations possible. Unless only HE is going, in which case he's happy to leave them.
Early on we were planning a European trip together until the SDs had full on tantrums about him going without them... it was a wake up call for me. So I am very clear on when SDs are welcome and when not, from the start.
We are visiting my family for a short week soon. No skids. I need a vaca without them. I was clear. Plus their school starts so nope. I overheard DH tell YSD last night that we would bring her if it wasn't so hot where we are going. NO DH, NO.
If I were you, I'd go anyway. Bring a friend. He doesn't get to make his lack of planning your problem.
What is so special about a p@ssy whipped guy with a huge amount of baggage who isn't crazy enough about you to want to chase you and be with you?
Why are you trying so hard, bending over backwards, accepting coming last, and spending your own money on getaways that he isn't even excited about??
Dating is a period of getting to know someone to see if you're compatible and if they meet your standards. It's also the time when things are as good as they'll ever be because everyone is on their best behavior.
So, this is as good as it gets with this daddee. And he's showing you where his priorities are. Where are your standards? When my now-DH and I were dating, he showered me with flowers, cards, attention, and romance. He chased me hard. And despite all of the step poo whe've been through, he never would have turned down a romantic weekend away because he was afraid of dealing with his ex.
Invite a friend or some new hot guy along on your getaway. Quit wasting time on this one.
Learn from this if you continue this relationship. I should’ve noticed this in the beginning! It’s ok for BM to change/cancel visitation if she wants to go do something but not my DH! We have to plan everything around her!
He hasn't put a dime down on trip expenses and hemming and hawing. Take a friend. You really need to keep your friendships going. Think very carefully about this relationship. Be true to yourself.*dash1*
Comments
Is the issue that he really
Is the issue that he really wants to preserve his time with his kid? Or that BM is a hard-ass about switching weekends?
Could be either. She really
Could be either. She really likes her alone time. He hasn’t told me anything though, so I’d planned this mini vacay for months.
How did the visitation come
How did the visitation come up? Or HAS he told you yet it's a visitation weekend? If he hasn't and is just "hemming and hawing" about going, I'd probably cancel the trip before it's too late, unless you're ok with a SK tagging along. (Would really put a cramp in the ole BJs. lol.) Then I'd examine why he didn't have the decency to tell you about it and address it like an adult rather than "hemming and hawing" about it.
If visitation is flexible
If visitation is flexible then why can’t he just switch weekends? Honestly at this point I’d likely cancel the weekend & do my own thing. You’ve had this planned for months & he’s just springing this on you now? No thanks. And def skip the bjs, no rewards for sh*t behaviour.
Take a friend, don't let his
Take a friend, don't let his visitation ruin your getaway. And make sure you tell him what a great time you had when you get back
You know what? I’m the only
You know what? I’m the only person who doesn’t give him shit when plans change. His kid and the BM? They FREAK out at him for the tiniest things.
He was supposed to come over last night. I had wine and snacks ready. He cancelled at 10pm, valid though as he was stuck at work. I should’ve lost it for once. Just once!
I agree with Gimlet, you
I agree with Gimlet, you shouldn’t have to lose it for him to take you seriously. At the same time, he absolutely needs to know that you mean business & you won’t put up with being last in line all the time. Respect is important in relationships, though it’s often overlooked.
I had this same conversation with my DH before we were married. I was always last, BM ruled the roost, and I was made to feel like I was the problem when I took issue with how things were happening. Until I had enough. I told DH, then BF, that if he was going to keep putting BM first ‘for the kids’, I was done. No longer was I going to tolerate being upset all to keep BM happy, and he needed to learn to prioritize ME if he wanted to stay together. BM’s emotions are for BM to manage, not him, and certainly not at my expense. I told him if he couldn’t manage that I was walking, because I deserved better than that.
You need to have a similar chat with your BF. He & BM are over, she doesn’t get to be in the drivers seat anymore, but it’s up to him to create and maintain those boundaries with her. If she freaks out, let her freak out. If he can’t do that for you, then you need to decide whether it’s worth it staying with a guy like that. Take care of you.
You don’t want SK tagging along.
That will be no vacation. So either cancel the vacation and relationship, because you don’t count. Or kids stay with BM.
OR take one of your
OR take one of your girlfriends, bring a lot of coffee/tea/alcohol/whatever you're into and have THE BEST TIME EVER!!!
Also, everything that Gimlet said. He is showing you who he is and what matters more. Pay attention to that as it will not change and only get worse if you move in together or get married.
Pretty sure I’d not cancel a
Pretty sure I’d not cancel a trip I’d been looking forward to. Take a girlfriend and have a great time.
You’re learning things about your BF. Pay attention.
DH, if he could would take
DH, if he could, would take SDs on all vacations possible. Unless only HE is going, in which case he's happy to leave them.
Early on we were planning a European trip together until the SDs had full on tantrums about him going without them... it was a wake up call for me. So I am very clear on when SDs are welcome and when not, from the start.
We are visiting my family for a short week soon. No skids. I need a vaca without them. I was clear. Plus their school starts so nope. I overheard DH tell YSD last night that we would bring her if it wasn't so hot where we are going. NO DH, NO.
If I were you, I'd go anyway. Bring a friend. He doesn't get to make his lack of planning your problem.
This guy, ugh.
This guy, ugh.
What is so special about a p@ssy whipped guy with a huge amount of baggage who isn't crazy enough about you to want to chase you and be with you?
Why are you trying so hard, bending over backwards, accepting coming last, and spending your own money on getaways that he isn't even excited about??
Dating is a period of getting to know someone to see if you're compatible and if they meet your standards. It's also the time when things are as good as they'll ever be because everyone is on their best behavior.
So, this is as good as it gets with this daddee. And he's showing you where his priorities are. Where are your standards? When my now-DH and I were dating, he showered me with flowers, cards, attention, and romance. He chased me hard. And despite all of the step poo whe've been through, he never would have turned down a romantic weekend away because he was afraid of dealing with his ex.
Invite a friend or some new hot guy along on your getaway. Quit wasting time on this one.
Take note!
Learn from this if you continue this relationship. I should’ve noticed this in the beginning! It’s ok for BM to change/cancel visitation if she wants to go do something but not my DH! We have to plan everything around her!
$$$$
He hasn't put a dime down on trip expenses and hemming and hawing. Take a friend. You really need to keep your friendships going. Think very carefully about this relationship. Be true to yourself.*dash1*