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Some men are dense. (A rant)

Merrigan's picture




lieutenant_dad's picture


If my phone rang at 1AM, I'd likely be immediately out of the mood because my mind will immediately jump to "something's wrong". If I saw a number for a family member or close friend, my anxiety and worry would hit a 10.

Having said that, if it wasn't an emergency, I'd likely give whoever was on the other end a neck of a talking to before hanging up on them and figuring out if I could rekindle the moment. If it were an actual emergency, I'd be halfway out of the house.

Now, if it were 3PM on a Sunday? I'd give it 5 minutes. If I got a repeat call back-to-back, then I might stop to figure out what the problem is. No problem would end in the same result above (probably with me saying that I was getting it on).

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

If I get a phone call after 10 pm, I automatically assume it is because it is an emergency or someone died. Unfortunately, the last two times my family called me after 10 pm in the last year, someone in our family had passed, so we all make sure to not call after that or it is automatically bad news. Now texting before calling that late, totally acceptable because it is a warning and the other person is responding so they are still awake. 

During normal day hours, I would be mad if my SO answered the phone right after we finished being intimate. Whoever is calling can probably wait 5 – 10 minutes. If there was a call immediately after the first started ringing, I would also answer because again, I would assume it is an emergency. I would of insisted SO talked to SD about not calling that late again unless it was an emergency.

Merrigan's picture

Thank you for helping me see it from another perspective. Maybe he thought it was an emergency. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I would just make sure to avoid this becoming a reoccurring issue that SO lets SD know that anything past a certain time it should be only if there is an emergency and if it is not to text beforehand and if there is no response, it can wait till the next day. Hell, some of my family does not stay up late at all so I don’t even call them after 8 pm because they might think something is wrong. I mean any respectful young adult/adult should know that after a certain time it is probably one on one time with their SO. For us, since SD is so young, after 7:30, it is me and bf time, obviously as she gets older that will be later, but once the child is in bed, we usually spend quality time together.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm guessing it wasn't a life or death emergency? Because if not, he should really establish some boundaries with her about appropriate times for phone calls. A lot of men we complain about don't want appropriate boundaries though and that's a big reason we complain.  

Merrigan's picture

I should have specified. There was no emergency. She just wanted to chat. 
She has a habit of calling him at all hours when he's with me. When we went on our first vacation solo together, we had to FaceTime with her every night. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't think the issue is that he answered. I think the issue is that he didn't see a big deal after he answered and didn't immediately tell his daughter to not call him so late and hang up on her. He lacks a boundary that impacted you, and instead of establishing a boundary, he pretends that it's perfectly okay.

You need to have a conversation with him about this. It should be easy enough for him to tell SD to not call after 9PM unless it's an emergency.

Merrigan's picture

Thank you. I see why I'm mad now. He had a conversation with her like everything was normal. And I'm probably reacting this way because he does this every time she calls. Just walks away mid-conversation to talk to her. Which means I'm probably feeling jealous because it was such an intimate moment. 

Winterglow's picture

Even if you take sex out of the equation, he should have told her to call the next day hung up because at 1 am everyone tries to get some effing SLEEP! The fact that he chatted sweetly with her makes it worse - no respect for others' needs. Call her at 3 am tomorrow and ask her what kind of breakfast cereal she would like next time she stays. Bet that makes her feel appreciated and wanted.

tog redux's picture

Who calls their father at 1 am to "chat"? WTF?

Yes, I'd be annoyed, too. Did you say anything to him?

Merrigan's picture

I said "really?" and left it at that. Went straight to sleep. In the morning, he pretended it didn't happen. 

Maybe I'm being dramatic. I just think sex is something private that you don't interrupt for minor things. 

BethAnne's picture

I'm going to answer this more fully. The dramatic move would have been to over-react in the moment. Scream at your partner or take his phone away and throw it out of the window or some other such move. You were cool and calm and did comment, but otherwise did not react dramatically. Another dramatic reaction is the one you thought about..calling your mother during sex, or perhaps some people might refuse to have sex for the next month..or bring up sd everytime they are about to have sex..these are passive agressive moves that solve nothing but do add drama. There are lots of ways of dealing with this that could be considered dramatic. 

The cool, calm, collected and mature way is first what you did in pointing out the behavior in a calm way at the time. Second, taking some time yourself to collect your thoughts and process what happened (which is what you are doing here). Then finally to find an appropriate time when you both have your clothes on and are both calm (not in an argument) to discuss what happened, state your point of view and how you would have prefered it be handled, listen to your partner's response and find a way forwards that you both agree on. 

tog redux's picture

No - if he thought it was an emergency, he could have said, "Oh, why is she calling me so late, I'd better answer".


BethAnne's picture

In my mind if there is an emergency situation the caller can leave a voicemail or text me to let me know what is going on. Perhaps they might just call repeatedly if they are panicing or something and then I probably would pick up if I could. Sounds more like a boundary issue than being worried about emergencies though.  

Merrigan's picture

My older sister, who is a parent of teenagers and a stepparent of an alienated teenager, is saying I'm overreacting. My best friend, also a parent of two grown adults, is saying I'm under-reacting, and I should've kicked him out of bed. 

CLove's picture

Is somewhere in the middle.

Some great pieces of advice already given so Ill just commiserate a bit.

- BM - when we were still newish, she would love texting him things in the EARLY am, or calling. "happy birthday" etc. Not appropriate.

- BM, even now, expects DH to do things for her that a SO or husband would do. A few years go she even asked him to hang a mirror and measure her apartment for furniture that she wanted to buy and transport using his truck.

- SD every now and then will call crying about something that her mother did, like not show up after drinking all night at her sisters. But shes getting older and more used to things like that.

OVer these past 6 years, the boudnary-busting has lessened as my DH has somewhat establishe and maintained them.

If you do not establish boundaries, things will continue as usual.

Survivingstephell's picture

Next time things arise in this direction , make a deal to turn off the phones and leave them in another room. You can sit down and have a calm adult like conversation about this before it happens again. It will be up to you to inforce it and make sure you cover what happens afterwards so he's not jumping out of bed to get his phone.  

Merry's picture

Every call from DH's kids is a potential emergency. So it wouldn't matter if it were 1 am or 1 pm. He is so desperate for them to need him that he sets everything else aside.

Total mood killer. If you want a healthy relationship with this BF, he needs to know how you feel about it.

DH and I are both bad about our phones. Occasionally we'll call them off-limits for the evening. In that case, if a kid calls he doesn't answer. If kid then calls MY phone I'll answer. That's happened occassionally, but never for an emergency, unless "Do you know where my Dad is?" constitutes an emergency. (Kids live 1000 miles away, so does it matter where he is?)

JRI's picture

My 58 yo SD who is "boundary challenged" used to do this.  She is up all hours of the night and would call Daaaad about whatever.  It was hard for me to believe, but we had to actually say the words, "don't call between 9 pm and 9 am".  I thought everyone knew this, our other 4 kids know it.  

One time, she was telling me how much she missed nutcase deceased BM.  "I used to be able to call her in the middle of the night to talk about something I'd seen on Animal Planet".

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I would have left the relationship after the vacation FaceTime thingy I’m afraid.... you have more patience than I do. 

If you ever wanted to get married she would try and ruin the honeymoon with FaceTime and phone calls etc due to lack of boundaries. 

He could always leave his phone out of room and turn the ringer etc off ‘till afterwards’ so it doesn’t spoil the mood (if he is too scared to put boundaries in place with his daughter)