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SD18's Graduation (long rant)

CBCharlotte's picture

As an OT-ish update, I read (and reread and reread) all of your replies to my last blog, and you are all right.  As much as I want a baby, now is NOT the time.  DH needs to find work.  Ever since our chat he has been more active than ever.  Applied to a bunch of jobs (got rejections), did a few photography gigs from Craigslist, even applied to work at Whole Foods.  BM2 is helping him try and get an opporutnity at her big consulting firm again.  The recruiter who is assigned to him is useless and BM2 knows her, so she is riding this recruiter hard to get something done.   MIL is visiting from England for 2 weeks.  She came over for SD18's graduation and is staying through until June 20th. 

DH, MIL, and I drove down to Charlotte (10 hours) for SD's graduation weekend.  We got down late Friday night and went to BM1's for pizza with SD18 and SD15.  As you may know, we all get along well and regularly are together.  BM1 ordered us all pizzas and we just ate and went to the hotel (we were wiped from the drive).  MIL was staying at the guest room at BM1's and DH and I stayed in a hotel.  Some may say that's weird, but it isn't for us.  DH and BM1 were married almost 14 years and MIL and BM1 are still close.  Plus, now DH and I have our own room and don't have to have MIL sleeping in the living room lol.


Saturday morning Me, DH, MIL, and SDs went out to brunch, then went to the whitewater center and walked around.  We dropped SD18 home (she had a friend's grad party with BM) then SD15 came with us shopping.  We picked up some stuff off SD18's college registry, picked up MIL's bday gift and MIL's gift to SD15 for her bday, then chilled for a bit.  We went to BM's house and helped them all decorate for the party.  Then the 4 of us went to sushi.  We had a good time; I taught SD15 to use chopsticks.  I'm allergic to seafood but this place has amazing vegetarian sushi, so SD and I shared that.  Then SD18 and her girlfriend (she is a lesbian and we all loveeeeee her girlfriend) met us all and we went bowling.


Sunday morning was graduation party day.  I was kind of dreading it.  I get along very well with BM1 and her family, but I still feel out of place sometimes.  I am much younger than DH and BM1, and also BM1 lives in the south where they are more "judgey".  A few years ago when we lived in Charlotte, I would take SDs to ballet and the other dance moms wouldn't even talk to me since I was their worst nightmare - younger woman dating/engaged/married to an older man who divorced someone they knew.  No matter that DH and BM1 had divorced more than 7 years before he met me.  But I digress.  Even though people know the situation people can be weird.


But the WORST part - BM2 was coming. UGH.  She and I get along, but she is not my favorite person.  She is not SDs mom - she was breifly their stepmom.  She and DH divorced over 5 years ago. She is SO PHONY I can't stand it.  She puts on this fake syrupy sweet voice every time she talks to the girls.  What drives me most nuts is she doesn't know her place.  When at BM1s, I know my place.  I kind of hang towards the back when necessary.  For example, on SDs birthday dinners, I don't shove in and sit next to her, her parents do and I sit next to DH.  I'm friendly and polite but don't run around hugging BM1 or pretending to be everyone's best friend. 


BM2 walks in and SQEALS so loud,  She is all over the girls, even hugging BM1 (who looks very uncomfortable to be fair).  She turned to hug me and I noped right out of there to fill the ice bucket or some other chore.  BM1 tolerates BM2 because she loves the girls, but is not a huge fan of BM2's money grubbing ways.  She knows BM2 took her daughters' college fund when she divorced DH, and is generally phony and annoying.  As the party guests start coming, BM2 is seriously acting like everyone is her longlost friend.  BM2 never lived in Charlotte, although she sometimes traveled there with DH when she was with him.  BM1's neighbors, who BM2 MAYBE met twice in her would have thought they were college roommates.  BM2 runs up hugging everyone saying how GREAT it is to see everyone and OMG it's been SOOOOO long etc etc.  Gag.  I'm from Philly; we don't like to make spectacles of ourselves.  I chatted with BM2 a bit but could feel myself seething so I mostly stayed away to stop people from seeing my eyes rolling into the back of my head. 

What did hurt was I barely saw or talked to DH.  At first he was talking to BM2 a lot about the job opportunity at her company.  And then he she was showing him pictures of the boys new haircuts.  I felt like every time I turned around they were chatting.  It was like DH was avoiding me so he wouldn't have to explain to all the Charlotte people who knew him years before that he divorced BM2 and he was with someone else (me).  And god forbid he have to introduce me to anyone as his wife or SD18's stepmom. 


SD18's friends were all very nice.  I played cornhole (or baggo) with SD15 and her friends, and hung out with BM1's parents and aunt for a lot of the time.  I chatted with some of the neighbors and family friends I knew.  After all the guests went home, SD18 started opening presents.  BM2 shoves past everyone and sits next to SD18 on the couch, with SD18's gf and SD15.  BM1, the girl's mother, is shoved into a corner on a kitchen chair.  I told DH to make BM2 move as she was going to be in all the pictures, but he was too wussy.  BM1 and I whispered about it, but BM1 is too passive to ask her to move either.  DH just tried to crop BM2 out of the photos he took.  


On the drive back to our hotel, I burst into tears. I told DH how hurt I was that he barely spent any time with me, how I felt like he was avoiding me and wanted to pretend to still be married to BM2.  He was completely shocked.  He said he was so miserable and didn't have fun, and felt like I was having fun being my usual social butterfly self.  He said every time he looked up I was talking to someone different, so he just let me be chatty so he could mope in the corner.  He said he was very very sorry I felt that way and that wasn't his feeling or intention at all.  He said it was so interesting that we both read a situation so differently, and it does show how different we are socially.  I can see his side; to an outsider it would definitely seem like I'm happy as can be chatting away.  When in reality I'm stuck in a 30 minute story from BM1's dad about woodworking haha. 

We didn't get to see the girls that night because BM2 decided she was taking them.


The next morning (Monday) was graduation.  DH and I got to the arena first and saved seats for everyone.  SD15 was playing in the orchestra and SD18 was there early with the grads lining up.  BM1 got there first and sat next to me.  BM2 got there second and I told her to go sit down at the very end (i.e. away from me/family) and help us save seats, but she ignored us and sat right next to BM1.  When BM1's parents (both elderly and frail, have trouble walking and use canes) I again said to move down and let them in.  BM2 got up and ushered them past her!  This stupid cow sat between BM1 and her parents.  Her parents can barely hear and see, so it would have been helpful to have BM1 near them to point out where SD18 was sitting and generally share the moment.  I really was dumbfounded at how oblivious BM2 is.

Ceremony was great, SD18 graduated, tears were shed.  BM2 of course is sitting there blubbering like "my babyyyy" .  Um you were married to DH for like 3 years stop.  We got outside and went to find SD18.  When we spotted her, BM2 pushed to the front to try and greet her first.  Much to my delight, SD18 walked right past BM2 and up to her mom, BM1, for a big hug.  We took a bunch of photos then headed back to BM1's house.  We had some bagels with all the family then packed up the car and started the 10 hour drive home. 


I KNOW this blog sounds petty and whiny, but I'm feeling petty and whiny, sorry.  BM2 is not family.  She was married to/dating DH for about 4 years total.  She is the boys mother and that's it.  I don't know why she was at graduation or the party,  I hate her for bankrupting us with her obscene child support.  I hate her phony voice.  I hate her phony hanging all over the girls.  I hate having to share our day/memories with her.  I know I should "Ignore the Wh0re" and I will.  I'm just complaining/ranting.  I know in the end I'm the one who will be in the girls lives long term and sees them regularly and is married to their dad.  Just....UGH. 


CBCharlotte's picture

But the good news is our next payment (and all future payements) will go from $2,000 to $1,500 now that Sd18 has graduated so Hooray for us.  I will post pics once DH downloads them from his camera. 

CBCharlotte's picture

The boys are DH kids.  She didn't bring them because she didn't want to pay for their airfare.  They only travel if we are footing the bill

moving_on_again's picture

That is crazy. My daughter went to her half brother's graduation with her grandma but I didn't go even though I was invited. It seemed intrusive. Some people have no social skills. 

zerostepdrama's picture

Oh I would be totally peeved that BM2 was there. Who invited her? Doesn't she live in TX? Does she talk to the girls regularly?

It's like it's one thing to deal with a situation where you have to deal with the BM of the kid that you are there supporting and her family,etc. even if you do get along but then ANOTHER BM that really doesn't need to be there.


CBCharlotte's picture

Yes, she lives in TX.  She talks to them sometimes.  Knowing BM2, she invited herself.  Or BM1 sent her a courtesy invite to the grad party and she actualy came

StepMamaBear6's picture

Why hasn't DH sought a downward modification in child support due to a lack of a job?  He literally cannot find one.  It isn't that he won't try and is purposely under-employed.  I think it is crazy to bankrupt yourself when you can get a downward modification.

CBCharlotte's picture

We did do a downward mod, it became effective end of February 2017.  It was lowered from $2,900 to $2,000.  Judge said if you still don't have a job a year from now, you can come back.  DH had started a job a few months ago working for a startup so we didn't file, then that went away after 2 months.  DH has been VERY actively looking for jobs.  Came SO CLOSE on 4 different good jobs that all went with other candidates.  Even BM2 is trying to help (she works HR for a large consulting firm). She did testify on his behalf at the downward mod hearing about how actively he is looking for jobs.  After the boys leave August 1st we are going to try and settle downward mod with her out of court.  If she doesn't agree straight away back to court we go

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I didnt think your post was whiny at all, CB. You did a great job of illustrating how awkward and difficult steplife can be at times, even when the exes are on good footing.

Glad to hear your DH has renewed his efforts to find employment. We are all pulling for him.