Anyone have a cheap husband? (petty rant)
Just a petty rant to get some things off my chest which have been burning me up the past while. Does anyone else have a DH/SO who is cheap with you and your family? Bonus points if he is cheap with your family but was the opposite with his "first" family?
Please don't peg me as a golddigger, I am far from it. I came into this marriage with the assets and savings, while my DH had much much less (nothing of substance). I work full time and earn a very nice living, as does DH, earning similar incomes. I am not looking for a man to pay my way for me. I pay far more than my fair share already.
My DH is a miser in this marriage. He is obsessed with not spending any money on our family or house, even for investment purposes, and if we have to, he insists on it being the cheapest way possible. I stopped the remodel of our home because he was so insistant on DIYing everything, or only using unlicensed cheap contractors, that it was dangerous (I sustained injuries which I count myself lucky - potentially someone could have been killed) and looks terrible. It actually devalued our home due to the terrible workmanship and poor finishes, like a kid did it. We can't go out to eat, or see a movie because it is a waste of money. If we go out on a weekend I pay for everything. DH never pulls his wallet out.
I am a frugal person, and rarely spend money on myself. I work hard and always have. It's not like I am trying to mooch off DH. I had my ducks in a row well before I met him. He, on the other hand, bought himself a high end sports car, and likes to wear designer clothes since he married me. I drive an old banger which breaks down at least every couple of weeks and my clothes are years old. It doesn't seem to bother him. Just for context.
Here is the twist. When DH was married to BM he not only supported her not working (and "turned a blind eye" i.e. enabled her criminal activities) but provided her with a live in maid, nanny, gardener, the works. He never expected her to lift a finger. He built her designer mansions with no expense spared, and the skids had every possible material items and activity to do, even show ponies! Their yearly birthay parties cost more than an average wedding. He blew all his money on the first family (never saved) and gave BM just about everything in the divorce as well as taking on the debts she accrued from credit cards he didn't know about. She left him for another man.
I am getting very resentful of the huge double standard between DH's marriages. The kids are starting to notice and ask questions. What am I supposed to say, that DH valued his first family more than us? The skids and DH (not to mention his family) have told so many stories of the life they used to live that it is impossible to hide it from the kids.
What I don't understand is that I would work hard anyway, and save anyway. But knowing that he expects me to bring home the bacon, and the kids to miss out, but treated his first family completely differently, stabs me in the heart.
I feel like I am paying (literally) for DH and BM's sins. Some of you may remember my now estranged SD stole $20k from us which was our wedding and honeymoon money. So we missed out on all those celebrations. My resentment of this situation is increasing. I'm tired of hearing about, and seeing photos, of the life DH so gladly gave to BM, while I am exhausted, injured, and feel I'm being taken for granted.
What is it about some men who see an unintelligent, lazy, train wreck of a woman and want to look after her, but when a capable, educated and hardworking woman is in their life they lose all desire to look after them, and instead take advantage of that they bring to the table, expecting everything of them that they never expected of anyone else.
Apologies for my rant. I find it carthartic to write down. Currently DH is not speaking to me because after I was injured I lost my temper and told him he would never put his first family in this kind of situation. He just yelled at me that I was ungrateful and nothing is every good enough for me, including the remodel of our house. He is right, it is not good enough and I am not grateful to be on the downside of a double standard and the house remodel was a dangerous joke. I feel like he should have been saying those things to BM and the feral skids, not me who has provided more than he has ever had in his life. I don't like the feeling I am a scapegoat for everything he has done wrong in his life. It's not my responsibilty to make up for his poor financial decisions with spoiling BM and the skids. He had many years to set himself up, but chose to have BM and the skids live in the lap of luxury instead. It's one thing deciding to be more reponsible with finances, but another to expect the second wife to get the sloppy seconds and pick up the pieces becausee he already gave it all to the first.
Thanks for letting me vent :)