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Disengaged, but vacation is coming

Bethany's picture

Some of you know that BM worked very hard at Parental Alienation Syndrome and managed to get my stepgrandson to despise me. He and his bio GM have said awful things about me. However, they know we always go away every summer.And, EVERY summer we have taken him.  DH had grandson the other night and the grandson asked ME:So, are we going to the ocean this summer? What??? I've been FORBIDDEN to be with him as DH's ex told him I am "evil". He has repeatedly said the most horrible thiongs about me. I told DH he will soon be getting a call form his ex saying how "mean it is not to take grandson". This teenager has told his grandmother that I am drunk all the time. (Gee, I'd LOVE to have all that free time!) When on vacation, if I even have a glass of wine, he immediately texts my husband's ex to say: she's drinking again. Husband's ex grew up in an alcoholic househiold so never drinks. 

I have told my DH we I disengaged and I'm staying that way. He immedialtey said: my ex wil not call!" Either his ex or grandson's mother will call him to make him feel guilty. 

One grandchild graduated last weekend and I did not attend. I've met this kid only twice in my entirte life. My husband went alone. I told him I have disengaged and I am NOT going back on it. My life is much more peaceful. The mother of the kid who graduated treats me as if I don't exist. 

Am I being mean? I'm a very kind-hearted person, so this is diffcult. 


tog redux's picture

Is this kid a teenager? If so, it would be fine to say that you will not be taking him to the ocean because he has lied about you in the past, and he reports on everything you do back to his mother, and that makes you uncomfortable.  Just matter of factly, not angrily.

sandye21's picture

I agree with Tog.  Matter-of-factly, no emotions, tell him you will not be taking him  with you because he has told lies about you.

And by the way, you are not being mean, only protecting yourself.  You never know what he will lie about next.  How can you trust him?

shellpell's picture

I read your last post and there is no way you should be vacationing with sgs! Don't you want to enjoy your life, your vacation? Why put people who don't like you first? Tell your DH NO.

Bethany's picture

DH seems to have a difficult time with this. I'm the "family organizer"---the one who does all the cooking, planning, activities. So, I told DH he is welcome to bring his grandson on a DIFFERENT vacation for a long weekend, before the summer is over--- but I will not be going. This family doesn't seem to "get it'. They have ALL hurt me terribly. They have ignored the son we have together. DH said: "but, what will I do with him?" My response: whatever you want---go fishing, swimming, out to eat, whatever. They ALL depend on me as the tour guide, cook and cleaner. Those days are long gone. I forgive easily, but I am not an idiot and refuse to let them back into my life. 


shellpell's picture

So they want you to do all of the work, yet treat you like crap? Wow. No way. Stand your ground and keep repeating yourself to DH. 

Life is too short. Treat yourself gently and let go of the crap. DH's family, DH's problem.

Best of luck and keep us updated!

KC is not the stepmother's picture

Agree with tog redux.  I would just flat out say I'm going, you're not. 

notarelative's picture

Somehow they don't seem to understand that what they say has consequences. Forbid you to be around the child; then ask when you are taking him on vacation. On what planet do those go together.

Step son in law here informed me that I did not have a family relationship with his child when the child was born. Then when dropping the child off with DH, he announced that only relatives can watch his child. A while later SD asks me why I never volunteer to watch the child. I said your husband, in your presence, said I am not a relative, and has said only relatives watch the child, again in you presence. So why would I volunteer when you have said I cannot. ..... Crickets.


Harry's picture

It would be no vacation with GS there watching you all the time. Maybe he will learn something.  If DH take him later that shows lack of rsepect to you.,  That a bigger problem Q

Exjuliemccoy's picture

No, you're not being mean, you've just evolved. You've been posting here for some time, and I'm glad that you've decided to step back from your H's trashy, dysfunctional people. You're squarely facing reality and no longer sacrificing your needs and feelings  for these rude enabled takers. Brava!

MissTexas's picture

Don't back down and give in, if you do, you risk beginning the cycle all over again. You've worked hard for the little ground you've gained.

Not your circus...not your monkeys!