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Disengaged fro a year

Bethany's picture

Many of you know my story...YEARS of SK abuse. Paying rent, paying bills, taking them on every vacation. Now, as adults, they are far worse. So, I decided to disengage. I'm a very good-hearted person, so this was tough on me. I always had the dream that we would get along. Trust me, it's just a dream. 

I was forbiddent to talk or have contact with one grandson. However, DH took him fishing recently and this teen, who has called me every name in the book, runs to the ex (other grandmother) to "report" on me when we are on vacation--asked ME: "so, when are we going on vacation this summer".I told him to ask his grandfather. I've encouraged DH to visit his kids and grandkids whenever he wants. I will not be there. DH understands. And,no my step grandson will NOT be coming on my ONLY vacation of the year! I feel baldy as I know it's really not all his fault as the ex has poisoned him against me. But, on vacation, he will call the ex if he sees me open a bottle of wine! No thank you. 

Further, he has used one of my deivces and I found all these messages between he and the ex where she tells him I am "evil" and he tells her he "had better be nice to me at Christmas or she won't buy me what I want". He knows he is forbiddent to say anything good about me. So, my sadness at not taking him is overpowered by the fact that he MUST say awful things about me to keep his grandmother in his circle. So sad...I find the ex to be engaged in child abuse by demanding he hate me. She is a very miserable woman who has poisoned the entire stepfamily,. 

One SGS just graduated high school and I did not attend. My adult SD was miffed. Miffed? This is the same Sd who I invited to my my summer house(wioth all of her kids), who pretended I did not exist the whole vacation and sent a letter, fom each of her kids, addressed to my DH thaking HIM for a wonderful vacation---no mention of me. That did it. 

Disengagement works---you will have peace. 

Mountains's picture

I am disengaged for about a year, too.  My DH has finally realized SD (60) will never accept our marriage and has made her displeasure known by poisoning the grands kids and other family members against both of us.  Although it breaks his heart, he has chosen our marriage as his priority (it took many years, though, to get here).  

Sorry you had to go through that.  I, too, thought we could be a big happy family but that was short lived.  As long as we paid for everything and did what was demanded, it made the SD “happy”.  I have worked too long and too hard for what we have.  Truly sad.

sammigirl's picture

 I actually began disengagement 8 years ago, completely finalized it 4 years ago.  I ask myself why it took me 30+ years to treat myself to well deserved peace.  I also tried every way to make it a Brady Bunch Family, before choosing to disengage.

My SD58 is history, as well as my non-productive, jail bird SS54.   I have never engaged with my OSS60.   I am civil, so they are able to visit DH.  My DH's health is where they have to come to our home to visit. 

We only see SD58 quarterly, which is 4 times a year.  SS54 only calls, never visits, when he wants something, which does him absolutely no good, because I say NO.  OSS60 is very good to DH.  OSS60 lives 2 States away, they visit twice a year.  None stay nor eat here.  I do not host them, nor offer to do anything in the past 4 years.  They basically have moved on with their lives since DH's health has failed the past 2 years; which is understandable,  I guess.

Good for you here that have chosen to put yourself first.  I will never look back and for sure I am at peace.

My DH has accepted my disengagement.  He now sees how his grown children have not been here for him in bad health, I have.  He fully understands my reasons, with no discussion.

Keep up the progress.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I have not seen my OSD and her family in 4 years, and I have been completely disengaged from any kind of communication for 3.5 years.

 OSD tried for years to rattle me; to show me that she thought I was beneath her. She had complained to DH our entire marriage that she never saw him anymore and it was not fair that my young kids got to live with him ( in her 30's at the time).   When she didn't get the reaction she wanted from me, she kept upping her game. 

3.5 years ago she told her father she should not have to communicate with me directly because I was not family. This cretin - 40 year old - could not communicate with her father's wife because I was not family? Does that mean she could not communicate with her doctor? The mailman? Her friends? None of them were family. Nope, just me. 

And it wasn't because she didn't want to communicate with me - she liked having me around as her punching bag. She felt sorry about her life - BAM feel better by insulting SM. It was another attempt at dividing DH and I.

So when I completely withdrew I think she couldn't believe that I was not begging for her acceptance or to be in the presence of her Enchanted Family. Nope, I just wrote her off, and nothing drives a narcissist crazier. DH started visiting them alone and much less frequent.   All presents (usually now just gift cards) came only from DH. She asked him to tag along on family vacations.  He said no.  

So that's when she started punishing her dad. In her mind he had abandoned her. In his mind he was enjoying his retirement and leaving her to live her life with her family as an adult should. But she requires constant attention since she was raised to believe she was so incredibly beautiful and special, and even resorted to posting pictures of BM at DH's sisters house with the rest of his family on Facebook with a caption that read "Love spending time with family!!"  Her attempts at playing victim have failed. Boy do I love understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle too.

YSD started her information fishing to see if I really had no interest in the grandchildren anymore. They could not believe I wrote that whole family off. I did miss the kids 4 years ago when they were cute toddlers. They are now school age being raised in their parents image.  No thanks.

DH and I hardly fight now.  He admits things are better this way.  I am at peace with the situation. The only problem we have is that DH occasionally misinterprets my peacefulness as wanting a reconciliation. He said it would benefit us all if we could get along. I asked him how it would benefit me. No answer.  I told him if I ever wanted a reconciliation I would tell him, and he should assume that would never happen.  Why would I sign up for more of the same? No answer. Why would a healthy person want to be around toxic ones who don't want you around in the first place? No answer.

That's where we are now. 

Kudos to you OP and the others on removing the crazy from our lives.

sammigirl's picture

As usual Sacrificial lamb you have nailed it.  It is obvious you have lived the steps of self help.

Your post fits my life to a tee.  OP it takes time and patience to get here.  You are doing well.

Thank you SacrificialLamb for updating our journey.  

SacrificialLamb's picture

I learned from you Sammi!  I don't know what I would have done without this site. When DH saw I was not willing to be Mrs Doormat, things really started to change. It definitely takes time and is not linear. 

DAWNMARIE1227's picture

Hello all and thank you all for being here! I mostly read here but I felt it was finally time to speak.

What if you disengage and the SKIDS start taking it out on BD? I had to disengage from SS 19 as I was getting physically  sick from the constant unrelenting stress he causes. He is a master manipulator,  much like his BM and now the younger SS , 13 is starting on the same manipulative trajectory.  My 11 year relationship with BD will not survive another kid like this and the  constant stress and game playing.  

The new game is the older SS 19 doesn't  bother at all with my husband. This drives my husband insane and hurts him very badly. 

I personally will not relent. I've been disengaged for about 3 months now. Best time of my life with my husband and in past 11 years first time I feel like I can breathe.

I'll end by saying that I have no children of my own and we are by no means kids. I'm 49 and husband is 51. 

Thanks everyone  for the honesty  here ! 

DAWNMARIE1227's picture

I mention our ages because I feel too old for this crap! Lol

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your age is definitely a factor. When I was your age I started questioning how did I want to spend the rest of my life. Putting up with overgrown bratty middle-aged adults and dealing with their drama was not one of them.

You mention feeling bad about how the skids treat their can be supportive of him without trying to solve the problem for him.  "I am sorry this is not easy, DH."  Leave it at that. It's his relationship with his children.

sammigirl's picture

DAWNMARIA1227, SacraficialLlamb is correct.  More peace and relief will come to you, when you truly realize that this is your DH's problem.  He and BM raised these kids to be what they have become.  You were not part of that.  Not your problem, his problem.

I even told my DH one day, when he was whining about grown SD58.   "Sorry, I didn't have any part of what she has become.  Not my problem."  I did not mention either DH nor BM .  DH was a bit caught back by my statement; now he looks at SD58  in a bit different light. 

I know SD58  has her place with her Dad, my DH.  It also has nothing to do with me.  I care less every day.  She is now punishing her Dad, because we are once again doing well without her.  We moved 150 miles away from her almost 4 years ago.

Disengagement is not easy, it is slow and challenging; disengagement is possible, but will change everyone's life.  My marriage is totally changed, but peaceful.

Focused_onourlife's picture

YES, Yes, yes OP to both Sammi and SacrificialLamb! Take care of yourself and your marriage.