Adult Step daughter – bad life choices, bank of mom is closed, and wants to move near us
My boyfriend and I have been together a year and are planning for marriage with the appropriate prenup as we both have been married before. We are compatible in many different ways and more so than any other man. He is retired military. He has 1 child, a daughter and she is 30. He and is first wife divorced amicably. He was a career military man. Good provider but not really totally involved with her raising.
For the past 10 years the daughter has had 4 children under the age of 7. The first 3 with a man who is incarcerated, and parental rights terminated. She gave birth to her last child 2 months ago with the current live in boyfriend. They are supported through social programs and part time work. For the past 10 years and up until 6 months ago they had been living with his ex’s mother. My boyfriend has indicated he is unhappy with her life choices, that she calls only when she wants money. He has told me he has provides support for some of the grandkids activities – football, gymnastics through the exwife, but never any regular support. He has expressed concern about his ex’s enabling behavior and I knew when he had said his ex ended the lease where they were at and moved out that sooner or later she would turn this way.
They are on the east coast and we are on the west. She wants a new start. All 6 of them (her, boyfriend, 4 kids). We have talked about this. I have asked him, have they saved money to move (no), do they have a plan (no), have the researched the area (no). He had a conversation with them and asked these questions. He is adamant that he will not support them, they will not be living with us and not able to help them move.
She had the granddaughter call to ask about getting a bike (great training on how to ask for money from grandpa) she went on to talk about moving in with us, and buying clothes and getting a job to pay the rent. I am sure you can guess what kinds of conversations are happening in their household.
His daughter had borrowed $500 from him in January to make rent. She was to pay him back from her tax return. It bothered him to do this and did decide to do it anyways. I know he loves his grandchildren and wants to help them succeed. I understand and accept that. I am concerned if he will be able to hold boundaries with her and not enable now that she no longer has the “bank of mom”
We had talked about getting married later this year. I have not said anything to him but in my mind all of this is on hold. I will be observing how this is going to be handled. If the words and actions align. In my mind he is a package deal, which I was good with, and I am willing if we have a united front and strong boundaries. I have seen where these things can wreck marriages and lives. Though I love him deeply, I have worked too hard and too long to have that happen here.
He had said he would pick me over his daughter and grandkids. I told him that was a kind thing to say and I hope it never comes to that. In essence it should never happen. It is his area and I will be supportive of him until it affects our household or our lives.
Thoughts here? I am debating drawing a line in the sand. I know there is an engagement ring coming, his family knows, and we have discussed wedding venues. I am thankful this has comeup now before we get married so I can see how it will be handled.