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SD turning 23 still lives with us

Heather123's picture

So my SD is turning 23 years old tomorrow. Since she turned 21 her dad has asked her to pay a minimal amount of rent. Not only does she never pay her rent on time and is severely behind on that but she asked her father if she could keep a cat and he told her no so she snuck it in here and the cat was basically living here for three months before we knew it. She also has moved her boyfriend in here who does not work or pay rent. She does absolutely no chores around here whatsoever. Always has money for trips  package arrive daily for her and she eats out often. Before I met DH he had apparently told her she could live with him forever because she was his baby girl. He has three sons but only one daughter and he spoils her. I am sorry I may be wrong but living with SD for the rest of our life does not sound like happy ever after for me. She and I get along okay it's like we both know we have to live together so we are civil with one another. I realize that DH was her dad long before I came around but he is also my husband now what rights do I have? She talks to her dad like he is a little b**** and it bothers me. I know that these are things that DH should handle on his own. What can I say or do about any of this?

tog redux's picture

Did you know when you married him that he had told her she could live there forever? Was the plan for her launching ever discussed? If not, time to have that talk. 

RSJ's picture

Regardless if it's your SD or you biological child, allowing an adult child to live at home, not pay rent, not work is enabling them.  As previously stated - parent's job is to raise functioning adults, not continue to depend on their parents for money, food, roof over their head.  What happens when the parent's die - the adult child cannot survive on it's own.  Time to teach that baby bird how to fly from the nest!  Good luck.

hereiam's picture

Time for her and her boyfriend to get their own place. The boyfriend would not be living with me, period, but that's me.

Before I met DH he had apparently told her she could live with him forever because she was his baby girl.

If your DH still feels that way, maybe he and SD can get a place of their own. I mean, surely, he was not serious? Surely, that was not her plan?

When I was little, I told my dad that I would always wash dishes for him, you know, because I loved him. It was just something a little girl said to her daddy, he does not expect me to wash his dishes today!

ITB2012's picture

And how do you know he said it? Did he tell you that's what he said and that's why she's still around? If that's the case, it's time to make a decision whether you want to live with her, too, for the rest of YOUR life.

grace8205's picture

Bad enough that your SD at 23 years old lives with you and has never been out on her own, but then her bf is allowed to move in? If SD wants to play house with her bf then she needs to get her own house. Did you and DH discuss any of this?

Do you both contribute to the household? If so if there are 4 of you living in the house, then only pay 1/4 of the expenses and start saving in case you decide to move because you have had enough. 

shamds's picture

Oh his wife. Not allowing a childs boyfriend to move in for free!!

where is your privacy? Where can you have intimacy with that many people freeloading at home?

my husband is asian and from their culture and religion kids tend to move out when they marry, very rarely before but parents ensure these kids go to university and save for their wedding, home deposit etc. Those kids do chores.

but in stepfamily life, lets face it... this rarely ever happens.. my ss will be 21 next month and he comes home every few weekends and during University breaks. He does not have a job. I have another 1.5 months before moving overseas to finish my degree in my country of birth and send our kids to school there. Hubby said he will be moving with me a few months after. Skids will not be in tow... especially ss!! He’d need me to sponsor him which isn’t happening... 

once i’m in my country that kid (none of the skids) are welcome in my childhood home ever... i’ve put up with too much crap in the 4.5 yrs i’ve been married to my husband...

my husband is retiring early next year, shit is gonna hit the fan when hubby stops the monthly $1000 allowance for skids next year because of retirement...

bertieb's picture

I'd say I'm sorry but I didn't know this was what we were going to be doing and I don't feel happy living with another couple in our home any longer. Then he will say he doesn't know what else to do, blah, blah. Then you tell him we give them 30 days to find a little studio apartment or some other relatives to live with because they need to start adulting and finding their own way. Tell them you all won't be around forever and you want them to be independent and have their own privacy as well. I had to do this with my DH and SS (age 25). He now has a one bedroom apartment and full time job. He only comes home to do laundry now and actually has some money saved. DH still pays his cell bill and insurance but it's a start and he's out of the house.