You are here

Those of us with young SDs... are we doomed?

sunshinex's picture

As most of you know, my SD is 6 and lives with us full time seeing BM on some holidays and part of summer. She’s an alright kid and we get along but there’s definitely some attitude from her towards me and BS but not so much dad. She’s respectful because we expect and demand it, but I know she doesn’t care for me as much as she does her parents naturally.

It makes me wonder... am I doomed for the teenage years? Is it almost certain she’s going to act out at me? I always think I’d like to treat her as my own and I try to, but we simply don’t love each other like mother/daughter. We do love each other but it’s not the same.

Her BM is total crap and doesn’t discipline or have rules when she sees her, so it’s always a process of fixing the attitude and disrespect when she gets home. I don’t know, I’m just trying to mentally prepare myself. They all get worse, don’t they... teenage girls with stepmoms? 

Or maybe there’s someone who can tell me about good experiences they’ve seen or had.


skatermom's picture

Yes, they get worse as they get older.  The attidude gets worse.  The dirty looks, the defiance.  The way they will only address Dad and look at him when they have any type of question and never look at you.  I have 3 SDs, good luck

Steppedonnomore's picture

I think most kids go through some rebellion during their teenage years. They start trying to push the envelope to see how far they can go.  But all kids are different.  When she becomes a teen your SD might act out more with you since she doesn't feel as close to you or she might act out more with her dad because she knows his love is unconditional and she can get away with more.  When your son becomses a teen, he might act out more with his dad due to attempting to become a alpha male or he might act out more with you.  There is just no set behaviour and I think it is only more difficult with skids if your DH and you aren't on the same page with parenting.



ESMOD's picture

I agree 100%.  It might get worse.. it might get better.  There is just a lot that can go into it.  I think that you need to continue on with the EXPECTATIONS of civility and respect that she follows now.  You can't madate that they "love" you.. or vice versa.. but you can set concrete expectations on behavior in your home.  And.. if your DH backs that up and expects it as well.. then you may not have that bad of a time.

I got together with my DH when his girls were 5 and 9.  Literally, his EX even called me a few years in to find out how we got the girls to "mind" and be good.. they were terrors for HER.. but always did exactly as we asked.. I was absolutely respected and listened to.  Now.. I know that the older girl was a bit more rankled by things.. not so much in her actions. but you know you can tell.  I'm not as closse to her as I am to her younger sister.  But.. in general.. neither of the girls really challenged me in my home.  I didn't get the outright "you are not my mother" crap. 

So.. it may never come to pass that you have an issue.. but all teens do tend to have a variety of phases.. some less pleasant than others.. as long asyou are consistent in YOUR home.. you have a chance.

lorlors's picture

My DH is very supportive of me unlike some you read about on here who are totally useless and don’t have a clue. That said, no matter how ‘on the ball’ DH is, I’ve found that SD16 has only gotten progressively worse as time goes on.

Stepdaughters are a completely different kettle of fish to stepsons (I get on pretty well with SS17) so in my experience it doesn’t get better but gets much, much worse as they age out.

Old sm's picture

It’s really dependent on the bio parents attitudes towards you. In my case, BM was actually more supportive than DH bc she really didn’t want to be a mother. DH,on the other hand, wanted to be both parents so I had the typical Disney dad/mini wife situation. Completely unsupported by DH so things did get much worse when sd was a teen. She is a better adult so we get along now. Plus she is getting a taste of stepparenting  herself and is discovering I wasn’t so bad after all 

Stunned Step of 3's picture

I raised 2 SD's for five years and when the oldest hit 15, we had issues typical of teenage years. She decided she didn't like me, and her mom didn't either. I did everthing I could to make it work with them, I was like their door matt and really lost self esteem over it. DH snaped and ghosted me and my two kid December 1st, never to return again. He sent me an eamil saying he needed to find a better place for his daughter. We all did everying we could for her but it wasn't enough. The BM has 90% to do with how the daughter will see you and blood is thicker than marraige. My heart goes out to you, make sure you take care of yourself!

Rags's picture

You are only doomed if you and your DH are not equity life partners who put each other and  you marriage above all else. As equity life partners  you are both also equity parents to any children in  your home regardless of the biology of those children.

Each other and the marriage come before kids. PERIOD!  And for damned sure no Xs get a say in your marriage or how parenting is done in your home.

Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never the top priority.

If you and your SO are on that page... there should be no doom in your future.

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

All families are different and I'm just speaking from my own experience raising two SD's from the age of 4 & 7.  They are now 18 & 21 and the dynamics changed a lot once they became teenagers and even more so as they became young adults.  If I knew then what I know now, I would have either done things much differently or I would have never involved myself with a man who had children.  It's been two of the most difficult thankless relationships I've even encountered in my life.

I will say, I believe the key is your partner.  If you two are on the same page and he is supportive you have it made.  However my DH never liked to rock the boat with his BD's and exwife so I was left to be the fall guy.  In the end it truly just sets up the entire family for failure including the marriage.