Can’t deal with SD boyfriend
First off, I’m happy to see I’m not alone.
I met my wife 6 yrs ago and got married one year ago. When we met she had a daughter who was 12 at the time that had issues. I tried not to hold it against her as I get it’s hard when your mom is with someone else besides your dad. She was lazy, had tantrums, a slob, had a narcissistic personality. The list goes on. Over time things did change for the better somewhat, but she still had issues. My wife always used the excuse she’s been through a difficult time.
Last year we got married and bought a new house together. We both had our own house and even though I spent a lot of time at hers I never felt like it was mine, so my wife and I decided by buying a new house it would be a fresh start.
I explained to my wife that seeing that this was our house now I wasn’t prepared to put up with SD slobiness and that there would have to be house rule.
After three months of living together nothing was changing. When I brought things up I was told I was nit picking and being like hitler. The sd got a boy friend about a year ago. Over summer I work a lot of hours and I’m not home much. Once work settled down I noticed her boyfriend was sleeping over every night. I told my wife this was unacceptable as she was 18. Plus I wasn’t paying to feed another lazy teenager living at our house. My wife asked me to stick it out as the sd was going away to school. After one term of school due to her social anxiety the SD moved back and the boyfriend started staying over again. Once again I brought this up as a concern to my wife who said she would deal with it.
Long story short she restricted him to staying over a max of 2 nights a week and not during school nights as she enrolled in a local university. This lasted a couple of weeks and now he is starting to stay during the week. It seems my wife get results for a couple of weeks but once things slip she won’t put her foot down and I become the a** when I bring it up.
i try to talk to my wife but often ends up in a fight. Can this ever change because I can’t stand living this way for the next 4 yrs. or do I just cut my losses. I love my wife dearly and I don’t want to be without her but I feel like I’m going insane. Help
Your wife is a permissive
Your wife is a permissive parent who refuses to put the needs of her husband above those of her adult daughter, where they belong. She's letting you know that loud and clear.
You have to decide if you can live with that - I couldn't. I would no longer love and respect her if I felt so disrespected myself.
I would stop leaving it to
I would stop leaving it to your wife. When he shows up tell him to GTF out. End of story.
SD will be furious. Tell her that if she wants a boyfriend over, she needs her own apartment.
DW will be mad too- tell her that if she wants to move out with SD she is welcome but the boyfriend is out of the house. Period. Dot. End of statement.
^^^^^^^^^^^^ YES EVERYTHING
^^^^^^^^^^^^ YES EVERYTHING Justmakingthe best said!!!
You've approached your wife and she's time and time again breaking what you both agreed on so now its time to take matters in your own hands. Expect for your wife and SD to be upset. Sometimes sh!t has to hit the fan for them to understand that you mean business. You are not supporting another teenager under your roof. SD isn't working or contributing in anyway to the household so she needs to pump her breaks, get her own apartment and sit her @ss down somewhere.
I've said it before and I
I've said it before and I will say it again, nobody plays house in my house, unless their name is on the deed and they are paying the mortgage.
Hard decision
ThAnks for the comments and suggestions. I guess I have some hard decisions to make. You are right Ihit4avg, is my wife married to me or her daughter. It’s a hard decision to make as I love my wife so much. And without SD in the picture we never fight.
Your wrong SayNoSkidsChitChat it’s not about a pay check. My wife has a high paying corporate job. But I feel you might be right in that I have to run.
Then she can buy
Then she can buy you out of your half of the house and the 3 of them can live happily ever after in trashy bliss. With the addition of a soon to come baby. If an 18 year old wants to get laid that is normal but with her mother in the next room? And everyone having Cheerios the next morning together? "So, have fun last night? What's that? You need money for lunch and I need to make you a dentist appointment? Sure. So glad you are an "adult." " Just ewww.
I agree with "just making the
I agree with "just making the best".. you need to tell your wife that you are putting your foot down. That boy is not spending the night.. EVER. Period. There are only two homeowners here... Your wife and you. Your wife is already getting the "pass" to allow her ADULT daughter to still stay at home. You draw the line THERE. Daughter is not allowed to socialize.. have friends over.. boyfriends over at night. If daughter doesn't like THAT? Daughter can move out and live on her own where she can do as she pleases.
If wife isn't comfortable with that discussion.. you will be having it. In fact.. wife.. don't bother because I will be having a conversation right now with your daughter.. and if that boy darkens the doorstep.. there will be another very embarassing conversation.
This is not a request.. this is my line in the sand. If you can't live like this then we should sell this house and go back to living in our own places.. where you can let your ADULT daughter continue to shack up under your own roof.
It's bad enough to have one non-productive and non-contributing person under my roof.. I won't tolerate 2.
Don't talk to your wife about
Don't talk to your wife about it. Talk to the deadbeat boyfriend and let him know that he will no longer reside at your home. He picks up and drops off the SD at the door and only enters if invited in by you. He departs by 20:00PM on the dot. One violation and he can pick her up and drop her off at the curb and never enter your home again.
Your home, your rules. Particularly when it concerns non-resident non-family.
Keep it simple.
Personally I would draft up a
Personally I would draft up a rental agreement for your SD and then another for her boyfriend. You can find templates online. Get down to business. Remove the emotional connection.
Pay rent, required cleanliness, utility requirements, quiet hours, "visitor" rules, etc are all parts of rental agreements. Your wife and SD want her to act like an adult...so be it.
Personally I'd give your wife
Personally I'd give your wife one last chance. Let her know your expectations for SD and give her one last shot to deal with it but that if she can't manage her SD that you're going to step in.
I agree with others SD has no reason to go out on her own and thinking this is temporary would be stupid. You need to step up if your wife won't or SD and her BF will be living there still at 30 with a few grandchildren.
Answers
I am hearing all the answers I think I knew deep down inside but had to hear from someone else. Thank you for the encouragement.
Your DW is really putting her DD above you
Personally, if SD want to play house with her BF then she should rent an appointment, like everybody else. Time to have a talk with DW, SD, BF goes, no more sleepovers. Who washes the sheets? And DD should make plans to move out ASAP. DW can get a job and help pay for said. SD apartment. Or else time to move out.
Bad enought when you think you are second class. Worst it bringing told your second class
"Once again I brought this up as a concern to my wife who said she would deal with it. "
Here's what works for me (tested on more than one occasion) - I look him straight in the eye, jaw set, and say "OK, yoiu deal with it your way by tomorrow (or Friday or whatever) or I'll deal with it in MINE." I have never had to deal with things my way ... so far
Stop bringing it up and just DEAL with it.
Hey Upset! Did you kick SD's
Hey Upset! Did you kick SD's BF to the curb last night?? :)