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New Stepparent *HELP*

secondforthewin's picture

I'm new to this website and new to the world of step-parenting. I’m not married yet but in a very serious committed relationship with my SO. He has a 4 yr old with his ex-wife. I am driving myself crazy with the thought that child support has the possibility of increasing as our household grows financially for the next 14 years. I find myself jealous, angry, and most of all scared. Scared for the wellbeing of my potential future family’s financial wellbeing. When I bring it up with my SO he gets defensive and isolates himself emotionally.

How do I go about coping with this. 

 

I feel like I've bit off more than i can chew….

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Being a stepparent isn't for everyone. And that's OKAY. Just so you know. If you feel it's too much, it's okay to admit you hit YOUR limit and walk away from it.

You have to approach it carefully... I get sensitive about money going to Psycho's s*** too.... It's not fun to have this past relationship financially inhibiting your lives. However, one thing, your income can't be included to calculate CS! So anything you make doesn't count towards it!

I know it's not fun, so you need to take a look and decide what it is you can handle and what you want with life! 

Welcome to the site!

ESMOD's picture

Child support can change depending upon a lot of different factors.  Yes.. if his income increases, over time, he may be obligated to increase what he pays.  however, also taken into account may be relative custody time etc.. perhaps he might want to consider more custody time so that he keeps his outgoing cost down?  But, theoretically, instead of viewing it as "cash out of the house increases".. think of it in terms of these are financial obligations he has to a child he created before he met you.  These needs are bound to increase over time.. and naturally, most people will end up putting more resources towards their kids as they are able to through higher incomes.  The only difference here is that this obligation to the child is theoretically being shared with his ex in some fashion.

But, as Probablyalready said.. steplife is not for everyone.  While the EX can't count your income in the equation.. there is a fairly strong chance that as your husband's income rises, he will pay more unless he is able to figure out how to get more custody time.. but then.. do you want to have the child around more?  In the end, you also have to accept that something could happen and you could end up with the child FULLTIME.  The ex could pass away.. that leaves him.

And what about that EX?  how has she been so far? met her?   is she high conflict?  Her attitude will definitely be a factor in how things go. 

And the kid? any issues.. any ADHD or other disability or developmental issues?  Again... a kid with issues will be a bigger strain.  Bio parents don't get to make a choice.. but you can choose to not take on a burden if you don't want to.

Finally, your Fiancee... I think it's worrisome that he won't have a calm and rational discussion with you .. being defensive is a BAD sign.  While he may not know the answers.. that doesn't mean that you can't explore these questions and what it might mean in the future.  Shoot.. you could do research to see how the support models work so you both know what may happen.  But him closing down isn't good.  Will he do that when you have an issue with his child.. or a conflict with the EX?  Will he ice you out of decisions that impact you?  will he override you? 

All of these things are important to understand.

And.. I would definitely NOT rush marriage and NOT rush to get pregnant

 

tog redux's picture

For me, child support was the least of the problems, really, we just considered his income X amount less than what it really was.  We don't have shared kids, we make a good income together, and he got a pretty good deal in the CO as far as other expenses other than CS go, so really, all he's had to pay is his Child Support. When SS was visiting a little money was spent on clothing, but we were frugal about shopping for that.  And my DH only paid what was court -ordered and did not give BM anything more.

Child support here can be reviewed and possibly increased every 3 years.  It has nothing to do with how much custody time the NCP has, either. I don't find it all that challenging financially, but I know that on a lower income and with more kids, it seems to be for others.

Don't go into this marriage feeling bitter and resentful, it won't work.  He has a son, and he has to support that son, so if you can't find a way to accept that, let him go.

ReginaPhalange's picture

My SS just turned 18 and we just finished paying child support and arrears.  I've been with DH since SS was 1 year old and it has been a LONG journey.  Even when DH was unemployed/between jobs, he still owed regular support.  Because he didn't pay child support due to getting laid off from work, he couldn't pay.  BM went to court for not getting CS for a few months.  Interest on those few months turned into $11,000 (on top of the regular monthly payments) because for every month that passes that he didn't pay back those months, interest increased and increased.  Even though the actual amount that he owed was just a few hundred, his arrears turned into thousands.  Even though he was paying the regular payments, those few months are still considered in arrears. 

It was insane and has caused a LOT of fights between us.  Because of his arrears, we filed taxes separately for the last 10 or so years because they would intercept his taxes.  I refused to let her have any of my money, including my tax return.  

You also have to consider all extra payments, outside of regular monthly payments.  Anything that she decides to do, like sports, medical expenses like dental, he will owe to her.

Obviously, those hardships affected our family income and our children.  

You really have to decide if this is the right path for you.  I stuck it out because I thought my love for DH was stronger and worth it and it was worth it to our kids for us to be a family.  You have a tough decision and I wish you luck!

notasm3's picture

It’s a decision that only you can make. I personally never wanted to deal with CS, the courts and all that crud. I let more of than one really good guy get away because of that. Maybe that was a mistake or maybe not. 

I am a black and white logical person. The court system has nothing to do with logic.   Having to accept the unacceptable makes me CRAZY.   I do not want to be crazy. 

notasm3's picture

It’s a decision that only you can make. I personally never wanted to deal with CS, the courts and all that crud. I let more of than one really good guy get away because of that. Maybe that was a mistake or maybe not. 

I am a black and white logical person. The court system has nothing to do with logic.   Having to accept the unacceptable makes me CRAZY.   I do not want to be crazy. 

Harry's picture

a real talk with SO.  How much CS is, how long it go to, 18 yo, 21 yo rest of your life ?. Who paying for education, and college. Who paying for medical bills, babysitter, day care.  How divorces was done, who get pension, any loans ect. Get my drift.  His  total financial being.  How EX can screw you .  Is he a Disney Dad, will buy his kid anything to be the good guy.  

How you are going to deal with finance when married, how many actuall  $ is he putting in your household each month.  Go in with your eyes open. Be set up for the worst.  And always remember, BM can be hit by a truck, or run off with the new BF and you will have SK. 24/7/365. Just read the post on this board, it does happen 

iamlosingit's picture

Check with the rules/laws in your state.  While I don't think they can include your income in CS, what they CAN do if you file taxes together is take your income into consideration for daily joint-living expenses like mortgage, utilities, etc.  This happened to my relative.  As soon as he re-married, BM took him back to court immediately....and they said due to his new wife contributing to home costs whereas BM had NOT remarried....this "saved DH money" thus raising the CS due to his spouse helping with bills and DH "having more money available"... It wasn't true...but the tax returns filing jointly screwed him.