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I Could Write A Book, But I'll Settle for A Blog!

ginger.m's picture

First Time Blogger, Long Time Step-Mom. LOL! I'm embarrassed to say, I don't know what "DH" stands for. I used it here as Dad/Husband??? Smile

When I began dating my DH, 11 years ago, he had been separated from BM for over a year. He had his son EVERY Friday afternoon through Sunday night. On the weeknights (M-Th), BM had the child. (actually BM's mom had him mostly cuz BM was a bar-hopper) This worked out well because my daughter was the same age as his son (4y) and we enjoyed doing things with our children every weekend. If fact, this went on for many, many years. DH and BM were never married, never had any legal custody paperwork or parenting plan. DH gave BM $200 per month -EVERY MONTH! Consistently! I know that doesn't sound like much but BM had a pretty good job and made quite a bit more that DH. In fact when DH was laid-off and broke, BM DEMANDED the $200 and would make sure that we knew she blew it on new clothes, trips to the bar, etc. DH also gave her money for clothes, school supplies, doctor appts, and pretty much anything else she asked for. As crazy as it sounds, he even gave her a car at one point because she "guilted" him into it. She said she had to have a car to be able to take SS to the doctor, get groceries for SS, etc. I never made a big deal about any of this, even though I knew she was being manipulative. Maybe it was because my daughter's dad was a real DEAD BEAT and I admired my husband for being such a "stand-up" guy. As years past, I began to recognize that BM was very jealous of our family dynamics. DH and I have a wonderful relationship. He's a great husband and father. One day, out of the blue, BM told us that she was moving half way across the US to "start a new life" and that she was taking SS (then age 11) with her. DH literally begged her not to go, but since paternity had not been established, she took SS anyway! We spent thousands of dollars and cried many tears, but after a long custody battle BM was ordered to have the child back in the state, and was required to live within 35 miles from DH's house(Of coarse, she chose to move into an apartment 37miles from DH). DH was ordered to continue to pay $200/month child-support and was awarded every-other-weekend and Wednesdays for visitation which sucked to drive 37 mls each way at 6am Thursday & Monday mornings, and we didn't get to see SS as much as we once did, but at least he wasn't 1000 miles away! Unfortunately, this was extremely stressful on everyone, especially SS. He began to have major problems in school -academically and socially. He was becoming defiant and disrespectful to his mom, began "cutting" himself, actually talked about killing his mom. It was bad! That summer,we finally convinced BM that SS would be better off living with us. We continued to pay her child-support thru the summer and SS began to be his "old self" again. BM could not handle the fact that SS was doing so well with his father and I (and step-sister). She actually called me to make sure that I understood that just because SS was living with us, she was his mom, not me! BM now lives less than 2 miles from my home(boo), and SS is at her house for 7 days/our house for 7 days. Dad asked to have child support dropped but she refused. She suggested that DH just continue to have his paycheck garnished, and she would give the debit card(child-support card) to him. "Just in case it didn't work out or something". I forgot to mention that BM was ordered to maintain Health Insurance for SS in the custody/parenting paperwork. Anyway, it's been almost TWO YEARS now, and not only is DH still carrying around a debit card (with BM's name on it) in his wallet, but we've been providing Health Insurance @ $200/month. She told DH that if he would provide Insurance, she would pay for half of it. She paid him $80/month for four months and is over six months behind. When DH asks her to pay, she simply says she doesn't have it. Oh, is that all you have to do?! Wish we would have know that a few years ago when we were eating hamburger helper every night and she was buying a new Coach purse every week. What's wrong with this picture?!? This is the shortest version that I can come up with. We went to our attorney last week and I can get into all of that in a later blog entry (maybe if anyone is interested). I have had ELEVEN years experience dealing with a CRAZY, JEALOUS, CONTROL-FREAK WEIRDO. I have so many stories to share...

Comments

islandsiren's picture

Well if that is the case then please continue to share. At this point I have been dealing with my partner's antics for about 2 years. At this point they only have a verbal agreement of 7 days at home 7 days with her. They finacially split everything that has to be paid for him, however she gets all of his child tax benefits. We have tried to go through mediation but she has refused at this point because money issues cant be dealt with there. She is the A-typical manipulative system sucker, and wants as much as she can handle. She keeps threatening CS but my DH was laid off, and we are not married yet so we figure she is biding her time, so she can get teh maximum from us. Given it has been yrs they have not been together and they were able to live with this parental and financal agreement to this point. What in you experience do you think that courts will think when she finally goes for it. Or would it be better just to take her to court?? Just wondering from experience what you think?

ginger.m's picture

In our case, the court felt that if things had been working out all this time with a verbal agreement, why make changes? Our judge (a female) was VERY impressed by the fact that DH had been been in SS's life since day one, and contributing to his life as much as he was. In our case, BM and DH had been trading off years claiming SS on taxes. When BM asked to have the Court Order say that only she could claim the child, the judge said no. The judge didn't really deviate from what was already in place. Who pays for daycare? Insurance? Keep proof of everything! If you can prove that the child is with you as much as you say he is, you should be fine... Our BM tried to say that DH never had his child and we had to subpoena Latchkey records to prove otherwise. These BMs will get downright dirty in the courtroom! Especially if she is jealous (and I'm sure she is) of what you and DH have together. As far as who should take who to court, we didn't have a choice because she stole our kid! If I had it to do all over again, We would have taken her to court a long time ago. Find out what the child support laws are because our attorney mentioned that the child must have an address for educational and mailing purposes and that the other parent can only claim so-much visitation time (i think he said 30%), and that even tho he is with each parent 50/50, child support may have to be paid -unless she agrees to waive it.

RaeRae's picture

"We went to our attorney last week and I can get into all of that in a later blog entry (maybe if anyone is interested). I have had ELEVEN years experience dealing with a CRAZY, JEALOUS, CONTROL-FREAK WEIRDO. I have so many stories to share..."

Share! That's what we are all here for. To share, get advice, give advice, and keep our sanity. Didn't it make you feel better just to type it all out?