I am a good person. I am kind-hearted to near fault. I can't help but feel sorry for people who clearly have problems, even when they are mean, belligerent, and psychotic to me. The only thing that really gets to me is someone being unkind to my DH or child. Unfortunately, BM has done all of the above. We have endured 2 years of texts messages that she "accidentally" sends to my DH. Everything from texts about loving anal sex to how my daughter (whom I was, at the time, 8 months pregnant with) would probably be born mentally retarded. She was not, not that I would have loved her any less. She has primary custody, and there is no custody or child-support orders from the courts. It is all handled by DH and BM. What that means is a lot of hassle. Everything from her refusing to meet us half-way for weekends (we live 3 hours away) to refusing as access to them on the day we are supposed to pick them up to go to the beach for vacation. She did end up letting us have them, only after we gave her $200. We are NEVER late of child-support and see the children at any time that is allowed by my husbands demanding schedule. Nothing is ever good enough. For example, my SS8 and SD5 were supposed to come to our house last weekend with their grandparents (my in-laws), but my SD was diagnosed with RSV. We have a 4 month old daughter, so it was agreed upon by everyone that it was not healthy for SD to travel or for my daughter to be exposed to RSV. I spent hours putting together a "Get Well" package for my SD and a "Stay Well" package for my SS. I included hand-sanitizer, musical get-well cards, coloring books, markers, crayons, chapstick, Sunny D, etc. I also baked and decorated cupcakes. It may not sound like much, but as the mother of a newborn I get very little sleep and have more than enough to do. It was a labor of love. I sent the package back with my in-laws and they dropped it off that night. When we called the next day to see how the kids were and how they liked their packages, they had no idea what we were talking about. Of course their mother has them talk to us on speakerphone, so she knows the who conversation and so she can direct the kids on what to say. She has them tell us that she was saving them for later. She is basically forced to give the packages to them. Of course, the cards and any indication that they are from us are mysteriously missing. It just made me sad. Sad that she would withhold things from her children that would make them happy, especially when one of them was sick.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. She constantly lies about jobs she has, classes she is taking, things she bought the kids, houses they are buying, vehicles they have bought...all the while, making the kids tell the same lies. My poor SD5 told me the last time she was here that "sometimes Mommy tells us we have to tell you guys things, but we are just kidding". It is heartbreaking.
We have trying engaging in the arguments, in a completely adult way. Addressing every problem she had with the kids being at our home (we lock them in their room while we either have sex or do drugs (complete lie), we let them watch adult television (lie), the list just goes on). That didn't work. It was like trying to debate with a machine. With each problem addressed, she came up with 5 more accusations, mean comments, etc. We've tried ignoring her, but that didn't work. She just withholds the children. I just don't know what to do. I have never had to deal with anything like this.
I am just so fearful of the day my SS and SD decide they hate because their mother hates me. It would just break my heart and be so hard for DH and DD. I just want it to stop, but she seriously has issues. I think she probably needs mental help.
It also makes me so angry that she questions my parenting skills, cooking skills, housekeeping skills, etc. They have 15 indoor cats and to pitbulls in the house. The kids tell us that they can't even go in their finished basement because of the animal feces. The are sent to our home with no clothing, or clothing that I would be embarrassed to give to the Goodwill, flip-flops in the winter, no underwear, no socks or clothing that reeks of cat urine with perfume sprayed on them. It's pitiful. Even though my DH pays a large sum of money in child-support, they can't afford to get my SS a 20$ haircut...but she informs me that they only buy organic foods and we will be expected to do the same for the children while they are here. That's fine with me, I try to buy organic, but it's hard knowing that she's just so full of shit. When the children are here they want to eat spaghetti out of a can (unheated, still in the can) and not my homemade spaghetti, because that's what they are use to.
This is still just the tip of the crazy iceberg. I just need help. Someone tell me how to handle this. How do I defuse it? How do you communicate with someone who clearly lives in a fantasy world.
Sorry this is so long, I guess I'm just frustrated and out of answers.