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Very much dislike my 6 year old step daughter!!

K8ebaby25's picture

This is my first blog so will be long...sorry but really need some help and someone to talk to. Ok so I am a biological mother of 4 kids(3 girls and 1 boy) oldest is 10 and youngest 2. Two of them are from a previous marriage but they have been with me and my husband now for 7 years. So they have a great relationship. Ok so here is the husband just got sole custody of his 6 year old daughter in September. He had no relationship with her beforehand since he didn't know about her. So of course I didn't either until 2 years ago which he was on child support now to where she lives with us full time. I am the one that fought to get her here and we sacrificed a lot...we lost our last home and children had to move schools(which the one they are at now my daughter gets bulliedand hates it) we lost our cars etc putting out money every weekend for my SD. She is VERY manipulative,lies constantly,has tried to physically hurt her 5 and 2 year old sisters. She openly admits she hates them and wants them not to be here. (Those 2 are my husband and I's kids together). She has no care for anyone but herself. She stayed with her gma 3 hours away before being with us and she never had to do anything she didn't her way constantly and had NO manners. Since she has been here I have started to grow a hate for her. I literally cant stand her. I have tried everything in my power to get her to do things such as school work but if she doesn't want to do something she won't. She has looked me in my eyes several times and said she isnt going to do it because she doesn't want to. I have tried every discipline possible and NOTHING works. She has no respect for others especially me. She will tell you that she likes who she is and She doesn't want to change..she's ok hurting people and being mean but its not ok for people to do it to her. She has no remorse for her actions. She cries just to make u feel sorry for her. The only reason she tells anyone sorry is if you tell her too and only reason she does is because u tell her to and she doesn't mean(and she will tell u that). I had to move my 5 year old daughter out of the room she shared with my oldest daughter aftwr my SD started being mean and saying mean things to her and when that happened she was laughing evil about it in front of my oldest. She admitted She was happy she wouldnt be in the room. She has also admitted she would hurt my 5 and 2 year old if she was allowed to be around them(I don't allow them to be around each other in fear of one of them getting hurt). My husband and I have started fighting badly because we don't agree on stuff or he doesn't do enough or he lets stuff go with her. I am not comfortable in my own home and am constantly upset or on edge when my SD is around. I don't know what to do or have anyone to talk to. Am I wrong for feeling this way about her? Please help!! 


K8ebaby25's picture

Glad I'm not crazy cause so much of the time I feel like the bad person. I literally don't have any help. He says he understands and sometimes he will do something. We are supposed to be consistent but that never happens.he works and i am a stay at home mom so I am the one ALWAYS with her as well so just makes things that much harder. It is causing hardship very much on our marriage. In the end this may cause our family to split. 

Harry's picture

Be taking care of this child.  This child needs help. real help.   

K8ebaby25's picture

What exactly do you think? 

K8ebaby25's picture

She has no problems feeling safe or attaching. She has had no issues with that. She feels extremely comfortable in which she is trying to take over our home. She has stated that she is better than her siblings and don't have to follow rules like they do. I feel its a big part of her having her way all the time at her grandparents. She feels she has choices and doesn't have to do school work,chores, etc if she doesn't want to

ntm's picture

She actually doesn’t feel safe, particularly if there are no boundaries, so she takes it upon herself to be in charge. She will be the boss until she attaches to someone, and that is a long, difficult process that requires a lot of outside help and research on the part of the parent to know what actions build attachment. Some kids never do attach because of extreme history or lack of parental involvement in the process. Her father needs to commit himself 150 percent to parenting and helping her heal. 

K8ebaby25's picture

She was in her moms custody. Even tho her kids was always at her moms(SD gmas)... She lost custody of her kids because of drugs and bad men. Thats how my husband got sole custody. He didn't cheat on me. He literally had a one night stand right before we got together(dated 7 years.married 2 years). He didnt even know about her until 2 years ago and then shortly aftwr we started going to court and all for her to know shes with us. And the grandparents arent in good health and didnt want the whole responsibility. I didnt just automatically dislike her...I was her number1 supporter until she tried hurting my children and doing all this stuff. It has just progressed.  Therapy not helping. She manipulates and says what she knows you want to hear

ESMOD's picture

As is often the case... you have more than one problem here.  Not only does this girl have some disturbing behaviors... her father is somehow not able to figure out that she may in fact pose a danger to HIS other children.  I'm not sure how you can truly make this sink in to him enough for him to fully participate in changing the dynamics in the home.  Maybe you and he need to go to therapy yourselves so you can learn to communicate better.  He probably hears.. Blah blah blah I hate your kid.  You hear... Blah, blah, blah, she's fine.  Neither of you is really hearing the other.

Now, perhaps you need to make some changes with regards to the girl's therapy.  Maybe change therapists?  But again, you can't undo 5 years of behaviors in a few months.  She also is likely impacted by the fact that her mother likely took drugs while pregnant.  Maybe try to find a therapist that specializes in kids with those issues. 

Obviously you cannot allow her to rule the household and injure your other children.  But, I don't think that the kids should be 100% kept apart.. but should be highly supervised.  The girl is likely also acting out as it is the only way she got attention in the past. 

I know she doesn't seem loveable at the moment and you must feel betrayed after all the effort you put into getting her into your home.. but remember, SHE doesn't understand all that and you can't blame her for not being grateful.  It sounds like she has been through a lot already in her short life and while it doesn't excuse abusive behavior it would be good to try to hold on to some empathy for her situation.

Now, you do need to broach all this with your DH.  Not in an accusatory way, but that you feel helpless because she isn't getting better and you feel that he doesn't grasp the seriousness of the threat to the other kids in the home.  That you want the girl to be happy and safe, but not at the expense of other people in the house.  Will he be willing to look into another therapy option so that she can really get the help she needs.


notarelative's picture

She has no problems feeling safe or attaching. She has had no issues with that. She feels extremely comfortable in which she is trying to take over our home. 

She is your husband's bio child, but due to not being in her life previously, the attachment may not be as complete as you think. You might want to look at some adoption blog sites to learn about some ways to work on attachment. What you describe is what some on adoption sites say is lack of attachment. In emotional terms she may be more like an adoptive child than a child living with a bio and step parent. If you look for a new therapist, one who works with adoptive children might be helpful.