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The struggle is real and out of control

DodgeCoco's picture

My 13 year old step-daughter hates me. She hates her Dad because he sides with me. She hates my son and my daughter. But she does not hate her older sister (my oldest step-daughter). Our household is in constant termoil and she just keeps getting worse. We can't look at her, we can't talk to her. We can't include her and we can't exclude her. She does what she wants and she genuinely acts like she enjoys all the negativity. The week of Christmas, she sucked the joy out of me. I have been with my husband since his two daughters were 2 years old and a newborn. They haven't really experienced life any other way. Their Mother chose to move out of state years ago and isn't the greatest human being. Therapy, counseling and the medication isn't helping. She's great for a week or two and then bam, she is a kid right out of the old tv show Beyond Scared Straight. I've been on-edge and stressed for so long I don't know what it's like to just take it easy for a day. I'm missing work because she can't be left alone or alone with her siblings...  It's covid era so school is only every other day. I'm scared she will hurt herself, I'm scared she's going to hurt one of us and I'm scared the other three kids are going to start hating their childhoods because of my 13 year old step daughter. Everything has a lock on it. I don't know what to do... My husband doesn't know what to do... I feel like I do no right for my husband, nothing right by my step-daughter since she hates me and now I feel like I'm failing my 16 year old step-daughter and my son and daughter. There was 4 weeks of miserable petty nit-picking, three weeks of things going pretty well, then a week of irritability and this stretch of hatred has been going on for the last ten days and she is out of control. Her actions and behaviors... I am all out of steam.


JRI's picture

You say therapy, counseling and medication aren't helping.  Im no expert but this erratic behavior sure sounds like some kind of mental issue.  What does her therapist say?

I agree that she sounds awful and getting worse.  There are some professionals on this site.  I hope they chime in.  All my sympathy to you, this is hard.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Of course she hates you. You are the one preventing her from doing what she wants to do. Whatever you do don't take it personally. I do agree she definitely needs counseling. Some kids will start to show signs of mental health issues following puberty. She could have a mood disorder. Sl

Kes's picture

It is not right that SD13 seems to rule your household and everyone in it with her moods etc.  I was not sure from your account whether it is her, or her mother who are having therapy, counselling and medication.   Does SD13 spend any time with her mother?  Personally in your place I might seek some marital counselling in order to help you and DH handle the situation.  As a last resort you might consider separate living accommodation for you and your bios, if you feel this is impacting them (and yourself) so badly.  At 13, there are a lot of years before SD launches, and if she has mental health problems this may be a lot longer than with a healthy child, or even never.   I am sorry for you but I could not live like this.  

tog redux's picture

Does your husband parent her and set limits? If so, and the therapy has reached its maximum effectiveness, maybe it's time for residential treatment. She may have inherited BM's traits, and that combined with the trauma of losing her mother can create a very damaged child.

futurobrillante99's picture

Sounds like a piece of it might be hormonal. Is she on the pill? It might help level her moods out in addition to psychiatric care.

Personally, if she's that bad, I would call 911 when she acts out. If she even UTTERS that she's thinking of harming herself, I would call 911 and have her taken in for a 72 hour hold. If she threatens to harm anyone else, call 911 and have her taken in.