I reposted this again because I NEED advice! PLEASE!
I'm no longer playing games with BM. For now on, when I have something to say, I'm saying it. When I have a problem with the things she is teaching her daughters...I am going to tell her. I am going to be the one that is going to have to cover the cost of their braces and probably help out with college. I DO have a say! I don't care who disagrees.
She is constantly doing things to cause fights with FH and I and I will NOT let her think she is "part" of our relationship! I don't know if anyone read my last blog but I had to leave for clincals for a couple weeks for school. There is no custody agreement - it's just we pick up fsd's every weekend and then she throws them at us anytime she feels necessary - like when she needs to drink. FH asked her very nicely if she would keep the girls this weekend...because I left today...
She had a different answer for everyday of the week - that I decided to record for entertainment purposes.
Monday: NO! They would rather be with you guys than me. (guilt trip) and then she threw in- my mother will not watch them for me anymore when I go to the bar...
Tuesday: We'll see...I'll call you back. (Of course she never called.)
Wednesday: Just decided she was not going to answer the phone the 5 times my FH called her.
Thursday (New Years Eve): Let's fsd's get on the phone and argue with their dad...tells him "their mommy said he has to come get them! and then BM tells them (loud enough so he could hear her of course) to just "hang up" on their father.
Friday: He gets a text - asking what time we are coming to get them - he calls and fights with her she tells him to pick them up at noon at the house...yada yada yada.
*We know that even if we just simply say, "We will not be getting them this weekend." BM will just call MY fmil and ask her to watch them...she would say yes...and that defeats the whole purpose whenever we live with her for the time being.
So...on Saturday we drive 40 minutes threw a snowstorm to get to their house and low and behold - guess who is NOT home? Ohh yup...BM took the girls to Chuck E Cheese! WTH!
We call her and she has the nerve to say, "I thought you were not getting them this weekend?" OMG! I was furious! I got out of the car and when SD7 said to me, "I thought you weren't coming this weekend?" MAD AT US FOR INTERRUPTING HER PLAYTIME - I say out loud - "Oh? Mommy didn't tell you I guess? She told us we had to pick you up at noon at your house!" BM then stomped through the parking lot to her car...SHE IS CRAZY? Does she really think that someday her children are not going to realize that she is a pathological liar?
So of course...I got to spend NO alone time with FH before I left...This is BS and I can't deal with her running our relationship anymore! I know she is mad because she just got "dumped" but this is not fair to ME! What did I do? They were separated 2 years before I even met him!
So...I ask FH - What are we going to do about this? Where do we draw the line? I don't want to punish the kids...I don't but you know what...I have a life too! When do we as Stepmom's get a break? When do we get to have alone time? I am not suffering anymore because he made two children with someone else! I love the fsd's but their mother has taught them how to be sooo disrespectful that I don't even think I can break them of their bad habits anymore.
FH IS going to do something about this - what is a "fair" custody agreement? We can't have them during the school week when they live 40 minutes away and they are in school. And FH works second shift 6 days a week to pay the 7797978 dollars in child support!
...and to top it all off - she all of a sudden thinks that it is okay to text him constantly now? WTH...enough is enough...
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Don't allow her to run your
Don't allow her to run your relationship. Keep the kids and the relationship apart---you will have to find your own way to do this. No one can tell you, it is tough but you must find out a way that works for you.
GET A CO! He needs to get it in writting, mediation at least with a set schedule.....the number is in the phone book. The two parties split the cost.
Good luck
I agree with BM3SM1, get a
I agree with BM3SM1, get a court order. That will make things more clear for everyone, and the kids will be able to know when they'll be with Dad and when they'll be with Mom.
As for the in-laws, I don't think they're taking BM up on watching the kids because they like her. They're doing so because they want to see their grandkids.
Yes I am sure they want to
Yes I am sure they want to see the kids, if it helps her out--all well.
Thanks for the advice ; )
Thanks for the advice ; )
As far as the grandparents go. It's not grandpa. He stays away from the kids because they say really mean things to him. They just walk by him and ignore him when he wants a hug. They treat him like dirt.
And Grandma...well - if you've even read my other blogs...you would see that FMIL is just as bad as BM. And - did I mention - we live there. She sees them just as much as we do. She is BM are buddy buddy. She also does things to interfere with FH and I's relationship. She'll call BM on a Tuesday night while FH and I are watching a movie and tell her what we are doing and when we are going to bed and yea...it's messed up.
WE JUST NEED TO RUN AWAY! haha!
I am going to give you
I am going to give you advice, as that's what you asked for. Be prepared, however, it's not pretty. So if you really want advice, keep reading. If you want support, skip this post.
First of all, get a CO. It's not that expensive and in my experience, worth every penny.
"when I have something to say (to BM), I'm saying it. When I have a problem with the things she is teaching her daughters...I am going to tell her."
>>>you need to decide right now if you want to have this same level of stress for the rest of your life. You have no reason to communicate with BM at all. You didn't marry her, procreate with her, divorce her, and you sure as hell don't have to parent with her.
"I am going to be the one that is going to have to cover the cost of their braces and probably help out with college. I DO have a say! I don't care who disagrees."
>>>>That is your choice. Choosing to financially assist someone else's child does not give you rights to "raise" them. If you don't like that BM doesn't make them do their homework, you are under NO obligation to pay for college. I would make damn sure FH knows that.
"She had a different answer for everyday of the week - that I decided to record for entertainment purposes. "
>>>> You are under no CO order now. Her reasons don't matter. If you want alone time, take it. Don't give her options, don't try to make your decisions okay with her. Just do it.
"whenever we live with her for the time being. "
>>>>Yeah, no. Tell FH to quit his co-dependency with BM AND FMIL. Find some place else to live.
"We call her and she has the nerve to say, "I thought you were not getting them this weekend?"
>>>>If the exchange you shared with us is the total of the exchange, I would have assumed the same thing. Did you ever tell her, "Fine, you win, we'll be there by noon?"
And from your response....
"As far as the grandparents go. It's not grandpa. He stays away from the kids because they say really mean things to him. They just walk by him and ignore him when he wants a hug. They treat him like dirt. "
>>>>Why does FH allow his kids to treat anyone like that? Especially grandpa!
"And Grandma...well - if you've even read my other blogs...you would see that FMIL is just as bad as BM. And - did I mention - we live there. She sees them just as much as we do. She is BM are buddy buddy. She also does things to interfere with FH and I's relationship. She'll call BM on a Tuesday night while FH and I are watching a movie and tell her what we are doing and when we are going to bed and yea...it's messed up."
>>>>Wow! Just wow. I can't imagine the situation being so dire that I would live with this person (meaning I wouldn't live with ultra-chummy FMIL).
Seriously, you need to move out and get a CO. And you need to let FH deal with BM. She's not your mess, she's his.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's my advice. Good luck to you!!
Just reading through this
Just reading through this and was wondering what is a CO?
A CO is a court order. I
A CO is a court order. I can't imagine not having one and being at the whim of the other parent. Ick!!
Thanks for the advice. I
Thanks for the advice.
I think I was more mad than anything and just needed to mouth off. But YES we do NEED to get out of the fmil's house. Things are realllllyyy hard and it seems like no matter how much we work the kids always need something. The BM won't get it - we have to whether it's school supplies, new shoes, blah blah blah. I can't let them suffer. They didn't choose their mother. And according to FH - BM was not crazy until he became happy with me. If we could just get full custody - we would in a heartbeat to fix things. And get a real babysitter if we needed to go out! I guess there is just no peace when you decide to date someone with a crazy/bitter/family and BM.
but - you weren't "that" harsh. I already know what I have to do and it's the same thing everyone else says...MOVE OUT! We wouldn't have half of the problems we have now! But when you're saving money...you're saving money and that is the reason we are stuck!
but thanks!
I've been there. Well, not
I've been there. Well, not FMIL's house there, but financially strapped. I know you have to do what you have to do.
Have you ever considered finding another family with kids the same age that you could swap babysitting? We have NEVER hired a sitter. Ever. Sometimes family watches the kids, but more often, they stay with their friends and we let the friends stay here when we're not doing anything. It works out well because the kids don't report back that they went to a sitter (although we are the custodial parents, so it stands to reason we'd need a sitter now and then), they just report that they got to go to little suzies house for a sleepover!
Get a court ordered
Get a court ordered visitation schedule and get it now! Standard visitation would suffice to give you and FH some control over the BM.
If you live local to BM then it is usually EOWE. If you live more than 200mile apart then it is usually something along the lines of 5wks Summer, 1wk Winter, Spring break and possibly a week in the Fall in the kids locale.
The point is that you need to get tools to break your FH's role as BM's beck-and-call boy.
Once you get the CO STICK TO IT NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't let BM manipulate the situation under any circumstance.
My Skid's SpermClan will attempt to play games periodically with the visitation schedule. Usually because they are too broke to afford their half of the plane ticket. When that happens they conveniently remember that they "gave" us all or part of their time and they should be able to add the time they gave us to Summer or Christmas. They attempt to manipulate and we respond by rolling up the judgement and beating them about the head and shoulders with it.
When they try to manipulate by attempting to add missed visitation time (when they choose to miss it) to subsequent visitation we reference them to Supplemental Ruling page 31 section 6.3 wich clearly states ....
"There will be no makeup parenting time if the NC parent misses scheduled time with the child".
I love whacking them with the Judgement order. It is so much fun.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)