Wow...ok. I am going to excuse your attitude because I can tell that you are also hurting and angry inside of you.

I am trained in Applied Behavior Analysis and have been doing this full time for some time now. I have had kids who were hitting themselves, biting themselves and others, screaming constantly throughout the day who are now able to maintain their composure throughout an ENTIRE school day, with a small tantrum here or there every couple of days. Parents report they see big differences at home. But, I obviously don't know what I am doing... *sigh*

THE MAIN idea we use in our classroom is that once the targeted behavior issue starts, it is ignored. As long as it is not dangerous, no attention (or reinforcement) is given to the behavior. The child can scream and cry all he or she wants. They get NOTHING while engaging in the behavior. No access to attention, toys, food, nothing. This is called "extinction". Not reinforcing a behavior that was previously reinforced. For a child with anger issues, getting anger back IS REINFORCING to the child. It is what the child wants. By yelling and hitting a child, you are guaranteeing that his behavior issue is going to happen again and again! By ignoring the behavior, you are not giving in to the child and giving the child what he wants. Does this sound contrary to everything you have learned??? Probably. Is it easy? NO Will it get worse before it gets better. Yes, temporarily. It is called an "extinction burst". Once he does not get reinforced for the behavior, he will UP the ante, trying to break you. DO NOT BREAK!!! No attention (again unless someone is in danger). If he is a smart kid (and most are) he will understand very quickly that his crap will not get him what he wants. In the meantime, you can also look into therapy.

Do I still sound like I am spewing crap?

You both have yelled. Apparently you both have hit. NOTHING has changed. This means that what you are doing is obviously NOT working. Before you completely dismiss my ideas (based on solid behavioral research) as crap...you need to step back and really assess the situation.

DH should be handing DSS. You may have come into his life a few years ago, but you are not his mother and this child probably knows that. I was horrible to my step mom as a child because she was trying to be my mom. And she wasn't my mom. This child sounds like he is holding alot of anger in him. You have NO idea why. DH has NO idea why. DSS may have NO idea why. Kids usually don't. This is why therapy in integral.

If you want to talk further I will give you my e-mail. If not, please take my advice here.

Jen

I'm a bit confused. You came here saying you can't take it anymore and the child isn't getting better and slapping is part of the discipline method but when bbb offers up another perspective you suggest slapping her child is the solution to discipline problems??? Doesn't seem to be working for your household, why would you advocate it working for her. Are you interested in other perspectives for the problem you are facing?

**deleted**...not worth it.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Dr Borba writes:

Well, "why not spank?" you wonder. It's quick, it's familiar (at least to parents who were themselves spanked as children) and it usually gets kids to stop the offending behavior-at least temporarily. And data shows 70% of Americans do spank. So let's get two things straight: First, a swat or two is not going to psychologically damage your kid for life. Nor will a spank cause your little munchkin to become the next Hannibal Lecter. Relax.

The key question is whether spanking is really the best discipline method. And here's the research every parents should know: In June 27, 2002 The Associated Press released Columbia University's analysis of six decades of research on corporal punishment. Results linked spanking to ten negative behaviors including aggression, anti-social behavior and mental health problems. Although many parents are unaware of it, continual spanking can have long-term negative effects. Plus it doesn't work that well in stopping bad behaviors. Really. Honest.

Here are ten reasons I'd advise you to consider using another discipline technique other than spanking to curb your kids' bad attitudes or troublesome behaviors:

1. Spanking stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kid doesn't know how to act differently.

2. Spanking teaches the child not how to act right, but how not to get caught when the parent is around. He becomes a champion in manipulation.

3. The child is much more likely to remember the punishment than why he was punished. He behaves out of fear instead of because he wants to act right.

4. It teaches that hitting solves problems. Kids must learn acceptable, nonviolent alternatives to solve problems.

5. Spanking teaches children to behave through "external control" (the punishment). It does not teach kids self-control-or "internal control."

6. Spanking sends a huge mixed message: "It's fine for adults to hit, but not kids."

7. Spanking squelches moral growth. It stops kids from misbehaving because they want to avoid punishment (the lowest level of moral development), not because they want to do what is right.

8. Spanking squelches empathy. Empathy-being considerate to another's needs and feelings-is the cornerstone of moral growth. Studies find that children's empathy is diminished when their parents control their kids through anger.

9. Spanking exposes children to violence. Learning comes through example. Spanking is an aggressive act, showing children their parents acting in an out-of-control manner.

10. Spanking doesn't teach new behavior. Spanking teaches not how to behave right, but how to shout, hit, manipulate, and control others through fear. It also fails to teach a critical discipline lesson: "So why should I behave?"

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Well, you've gotten several good solutions here that you can opt to take or not take. I didn't see outside professional help listed in this response, it sounds like it is time for that to get everyone in the family the help they need.

Maybe it's not working because what he really wants is for his DAD to do these things. Sounds like an angry boy looking for Daddy's attention. I feel for you, having my own teenaged drama over here. Sounds to me like your DH needs to step up and calmly, lovingly discipline this child.

Counselling is always a very good idea, too, especially when there are anger management problems going on. Small outbursts in a young boy turn into BIG problems in a young man.

Good luck. You've received some great advice here. Stick with it.

I have resorted to a slap (once again it was a tap and I was in control, I did not "hurt" him physically.)

At the time I first did it, when he was in my face sneering and losing his own control, he was maybe 10. He had outgrown spanking, but was highly oppositional and defiant (this phase lasted til he was about 12 if that and that was the last time if even then I "slapped" him -ie tapped him on the face. For the next year or so though, if he were starting to get in my face, and by then he was starting to be taller than me, I would give a warning or two for him to go to his room to cool off, and he would refuse. Til I lifted my hand and then he was scooting to his room. When he was 10 his dad got mad at me about it and lectured me with your grandmother's lecture. By the time he was 12 or 13, his dad told me that he had to resort in physically forcing him, and suggested I do so. I told him he now outweighed me and was taller than me, and if I hadn't already established that he needed to listen with the warning, I would have never been able to do so at age 13.

Funny thing is? We were discussing this the other day, when the subject was on TV. Once again, he has no memory of my ever slapping him, and thinks I made it up.

Because I don't have to even raise my hand for him to jump and run downstairs when he gets that way, AND/OR, because I don't allow him to get to that point, or he doesn't allow himself to get to that point. He is 15 and a half now and I must have done something right b/c the oppositional/defiant behavior is barely evident now. More that he doesn't follow through on what I've told him to do.

But he's matured to the point where we can have discussions when we both calm from the disagreement, ie- he will go and calm himself and apologize now.

I just think (sorry to OP for my tangent about this topic) that abuse will occur and has nothing to do with corporal punishment. They have been lumped together by the psych communities current focus/discourse/studies etc, and in my opinion have nothing to do with each other. Parents who are abusive will be so weather society condones corporal punishment or not.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

"I am still not to old to be slapped by my mother if I disrespect her!!!"

Ha ha...my DH's mom will occasionally raise her hand and make her NJ Italian mom "I'm gonna slappa ya face" expression and he will jump. And laugh.

I agree completely. As I wrote back to Cru above. I am talking about a tap. A LOVE tap our 7th grade math teacher used to say. And even in the classroom, that was met with snickers. At least until you were in trouble in his class.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

I agree that you cannot physically correct SK's unless it's agreed upon by the BPs that you may.

I also agree if you haven't established a form of controlled physical punishment early on then you can't do it at all as a parent, especially a step.

AND that physical punishing when an older child is out of control and/or the parent is out of control is not acceptable, b/c I never condone any physical punishment when anyone is out of control. I think it's why it was common in certain parts of the country for the kid to pick a switch out- gave the parent time to regain composture before implementing the punishment.

I did admit I was going off on the tangent, and did so b/c the thread was going off in the direction of ALL corporal punishment is wrong.

I will also say, that CPS does not in most cases get involved unless there is some extreme claim of beating, burning, threatening, etc. We actually told, and so did SD, that BM shoved her into a chair that flipped over, that BM bent her fingers backward or physically pinned her into a wall to punish her during a rage, etc. And they determined that we were exaggerating and closed the case.

Now if you have a BP who has a hair trigger, anything you do can be construed, exaggerated, etc, which is why they didn't believe us as it happens so often.

My fear for this OP is that this child is so out of control, that they may call CPS on the SM/BF and THAT will result in a more serious investigation than if a BM makes the call unless there's some impressive physical evidence.

SD's insinuated that threat, when she is playing keep away with me with something breakable during an argument, or my cell phone that she wants to keep from me, or takes off out of the yard etc and DH grabs her arm to stop her. She will scream to "GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!" like we are hurting her. We aren't. It's all her own resistance.

I don't try to stop her from taking off. The only time I've "wrestled" with her hands, is when she has something like I mentioned above. I have succeeded in stopping her taking off on me, by locking the door and refusing to let her back in while in that frenzied state when she tries it. She then has to knock to be let in, which indicates she is asking to come back in.

A therapist recommended that to me when BS pulled a "I'm not coming home" from the neighbor's across the street several years ago.

And it works.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

Of course this varies by state, but this is physical abuse screen-in criteria for CPS

Examples of “physical injuries” that may be investigated are:
• A visible injury, mark or swelling that lasts a minimum of twenty-four hours;
• An injury diagnosed by a physician (i.e. by x-ray, MRI, CT scan or other
diagnostic instrument)
(3) Examples of abusive acts that fit within criteria of physical abuse:
• An act of discipline, which results in an injury.
• Any physical injury that cannot be reasonably explained by the child’s history of
injuries. These reports usually come from a physician.
• Any case where a physician reports a suspicious explanation of an injury.
• Throwing, choking, kicking, burning, biting, cutting, smothering or poisoning a
child that results in a visible injury or an injury diagnosed by a physician;
• Striking a child with a closed fist, with a weapon or an object that results in
injury;
• Shaking a child under the age of three;
• Striking or other actions which result in any non-accidental injury to a child under
18 months of age;
• Unreasonable interference with a child’s breathing;
• Threatening a child with a weapon
• Striking a child under age one on the face or head;
• Purposely giving a child alcohol, or dangerous, harmful, or controlled substances
which were not prescribed;
• Unreasonable physical confinement or restraint; tying, caging, chaining.

I know here open handed non-marking is the rule of thumb. I would advocate an assessment of his mental capacity or potential disorders. I don't advocate medication necessarily, I think it's often overused. What might be helpful, though, is if you find out he has a specific issue ODD, BPD etc. Certain corrective methods and disciplines can be employed to help them and correct their behavior. If you know what you're dealing with, it's easier to figure out what parenting methods work best. Every child may be different, but at least this could rule some things out.