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DH is starting to pull away from his kids, he is tired of dealing withthier bull sh!t.

vgill's picture

Has anyone else had a Dh just give up on rotten kids, and move on?? I asked Dh to call his boys last night to remind them about the plans for the weekend and to make sure that they had sweaters and stuff for the family outing, he said why they won't even want to come because the outings are not all about them. It kind of took me back a little, but he is right, he called and there was no answer, He said his boys were ruined by their BM they are so selfish, he said it doesn't matter how fun our family plans are ( zoo, and county fair) they will just put down whatever it is we are doing and put him down and downright insult me. He said he was so tired of being taken for granted and treated like sh!t by these kids and he knows it has alot to do with their BM. He basically has given up, he raised them without her help for 12 years and now she wants to be super Mom and for the last 2 years she has basically had some campain tio get them to live with her and she lets them do whatever they want and they are impossable to deal with and they moved in with their BM like 2 months ago and DH has been a happier and less stressed person even though we work like 14-18 hours a day and have our own business and all that stress but still he is happier without the drama and chaos that these boys bring. I don't know what to think of this, he is still a great dad to his skids and our boy, I don't know if I should just accept this or what?


pastepmomof3's picture

I understand how your DH feels. We've encountered this with now-SD15. Sounds like he just needs to give them and himself some space. Maybe pick back up in a week or two and if something comes up about a family activity and they boo-hoo it, he has every right to knock them down a few pegs. He should not allow them to disrespect him (or you) and they need to be humbled. They won't like it but he needs to keep it real with them.

My suggestion to you is to be supportive of his decision but also try to keep the skids involved (no matter how much you may or may not like it) because this can come back to haunt him.

Good luck!

buttercookie's picture

My husband finally came to the revelation when his 19 year old got kicked out of his moms house for being lazy and mouthy. SS 19 almost 20 thought he was moving in here to watch tv and play video games and have someone to clean up after him. That was not tolerated very long and he's on his own now, where he's been for a couple of months.

steptwins's picture

Its took me until my DD was 24! Amazing. In retrospect, I feel stupid for all I've let "slide" & all the "help" I've given her. Certainly gives DH reason to chuckle when comparing my apples to his oranges.

zenjetset's picture

After all the recent drama in our life with bm and bio fam, fdh has made mention on several occasions that he is starting to think it's best to just let his girls stay with their mom and family. He is tired of being the good guy and made out to be the worst father ever to his kids by biofamily!

Yeah, I think this is normal, thinking it's because it hurts them to see so much manipulation of young like innocent lives.

Very sad!

SteppingUp's picture

This is sad Sad

BM's father did this. BM and her brother were 8 and 9 when he just up and left and handed over all his rights to them. After a few years he started a new family and has other kids. Apparently BM's mom was very unstable at this time and according to my fiance, she is mostly the reason he left. But he also said that there have been a lot of hints that the kids (BM and her brother) were terrible, bratty little kids. Who knows? It sure makes you wonder what would cause a guy to leave his whole family behind and start a new one a few years later -- it's obviously not the fact that he's not a family guy.

starfish's picture

i wish my dh would wash his hands of skids.... but that will NEVER happen..... and i think your dh is just going thru a "poor me" phase b/c bm has ruined "his" kids..

i suggest supporting him and his feelings and enjoy the distance from skids while it lasts....

JustAnotherSM's picture

Yes, my DH gave up on his SS for a while. Here's my story (the condensed version): BM and DH divorced when SS was just 1 year old. SS lived with BM and drank the PAS koolaid for many years. DH had a constant presence in SS's life despite BM's attempt to alienate him. When SS reached his early teen years, he became too much for BM and SF to handle but yet they refused to allow DH and me to raise SS. A nasty custody battle ensued, SS sided with DH for a short while just to teach BM a lesson, but in the end decided to go back to BM's because she was the disney parent. SS was 15 when he returned home. DH tried to enforce visitation with SS and was refused. So DH decided to disengage since it was working so well for me (thanks to all the good advice I got here!). I wasn't sure it was the right thing for him to do at the time, but it was his choice to make so I supported him.

DH was firm that he would not compromise his parenting skills just to make SS happy. So DH gave SS the silent treatment. No visits. No phone calls. No extra money. No fun events. Nothing. SS got the message. It took almost 2 years, but SS finally reached out to DH and apologized. SS is now 18 and the two of them have been working hard to repair their relationship. You can read some of my blogs for more details.

Be supportive of your DH. Listen to him when he talks and hug him when he hurts. It's not easy to turn your back on a child, escpecially when the child really needs a parent. But sometimes, you just have to let go and hope things work out for the best. Good luck.

stormabruin's picture

My DH also backed off of his kids (SS now 17 & SD now 14) just over a year ago. Things had reached a really ugly point with them...court & BM being a complete bitch, & the skids clung to her side through it all. When the judge determined that skids were old enough to decide whether or not to participate in visitation, DH decided he wasn't going to push anymore. DH calls & leaves a message on Christmas, Easter, & birthdays, but they never call back. His daughter (surprisingly...we figured between the 2 it would've been his son) called this past Father's Day & talked to him for about 10 minutes. He was on top of the world that day because he thought it meant there were changes in heart, but has since come back to join the rest of us because that's the last time he's heard from either of them.

We have been through an incredibly hurtful & sad past 5 years in trying to battle BM's alienation, but the courts have always sided with her, which has enforced the skids loyalty to their her. Since a judge ruled in her favor, they believe she is the one in the right.

I was the one who pushed DH to continue fighting for his time with his kids, so I feel responsible for the false hope & the long fall he suffered. When he expressed his wish to stop fighting, I told him that if that was what he wanted to do, I would support him in that choice. The judge decided the choice was theirs. That puts the responsibility on them. They will never be able to say he didn't do everything in his power to have relationships with them.

"Be supportive of your DH. Listen to him when he talks and hug him when he hurts. It's not easy to turn your back on a child, escpecially when the child really needs a parent. But sometimes, you just have to let go and hope things work out for the best."
I absolutely agree with this. Any parent who experiences the pain of having their child turn their back on them feels sad & unappreciated & unloved. He'll need you to be there for comfort. He'll need you to talk to, & he'll need to know that he can count on you to be on his side.

stormabruin's picture

Fortunately, our situation didn't leave us broke. We didn't have the money to retain a lawyer, so DH went pro se. Even if we'd had the money, in the beginning, I don't think DH would've paid the money for a lawyer. His true thoughts were that if he went before the judge & was completely honest, forthcoming, & truthful, the right would prevail. Had BM gone pro se herself, that would've likely been the case, but her mother paid out the tail for her lawyer. Had DH had a lawyer to lash back in the beginning, perhaps we could've come out ahead. It's hard to say. But after his first experience with her crooked lying lawyer, DH wasn't about to shell out thousands to bring another crooked lying lawyer into the courtroom to tell a story to a crooked lying judge. Unfortunately, our experience with the legal system has left us with NO faith in the law. It doesn't matter how many times it's written that the law is to protect the children & their best interest, that isn't how the system works. I can write books about me being a doctor, but that doesn't make it so.

As far as the koolaid, it seems once they get a taste they can't put it down. We just reached the point where there truly is nothing else DH can do but back off & hope that somehow his kids will find a way to grow up to be happy productive adults who will, at some point, realize the importance of having a relationship with their dad.

skylarksms's picture

My DH has pretty much given up on my SD17 (see my recent post), which I feel is not good because it means he won't have a relationship with his grandson.

SS15 comes all the time but has been brainwashed by BM into thinking that telling us anything going on in his life that includes BM or SD is off limits for discussion. Therefore, we get a lot of "I don't knows" from him. Even as innocent as a question, "So, who drives to school now that you and SD are going to the same school and both have licenses?" Just gets a shoulder shrug.

I can only hope that it works BOTH ways. We have never forbid him from talking about us to BM and SD but I'm sure BM would flip if he did so he probably doesn't talk about his dad and me when at home!

overit2's picture

I'm sorry, but i honestly don't think it's the BM's fault his kids are the way they are...if he's raised them on his own for 12 yrs and they've been w/her 2 months...he should take a long hard look in the mirror. He blew it. Kids wont' lose everything they've been taught (if they have) in 2 months time...nope.

Was he working very long hrs all the time when he had the kids also?

So-he's giving up because he did a bad job at parenting and doesn't want to deal w/it anymore-and needs a scapegoat to blame...what a perfect opportunity.

lifeisshort's picture

I'm wondering that too. How could it be anyone else's fault when the dad was the primary parent who raised the kids on his own with no help from the biomom for 12 years?
That makes no sense whatsoever.
I agree - I think Dad needs to take a good,hard look at his parenting experience and maybe start to shoulder some (most) of the blame...

vgill's picture

they were always well behaved except for when they had spent time with BM, she abandoned them when they were little and yes DH worked alot but he worked at home and the boys always wanted to work with him. He will admit he should have disciplined them more and tried to slowly put his foot down 5 years ago, and he was having good luck with his slow and steady approach. Then BM started working on the boys by telling them that it was all Dh's fault that she never had custody( not true ask Dh's father or BM's father they will both tell You that she abandoned her boys) She kept telling the boys when they were 12 they could come live with her and she let them do what ever they wanted when they visited no rules, no consequences, and she tool them to every thing they wanted to do and gave them money. She was hoping there would be a government child tax benefit for her if she had both children and she wouldn't have to pay child tax anymore. she has poisoned the boys agaist their father.

LizGrace65's picture

Yes, my SO has disengaged from SS16. And yes, he was the primary parent (actually I was the primary caregiver) for 6 years, while SS was custodial with us. We did *everything* we could. To those who can't understand that it *is* certainly 100% possible to be a very good parent and still end up with a child who behaves in an unacceptable manner, all I can say is may it never happen to you.

"He alone had to recognize the folly of being handcuffed and roughed up by the police, of rotting in jail, of having perfect strangers tell him what he could and could not do."

We could not convince SS that he was headed down the wrong road. Now he will find out for himself, and good luck to him.

If you can't understand that, consider yourself lucky.


LizGrace65's picture

We were custodial until this past spring/summer, and we live in the same town as BM. SS now lives with BM less than a mile from us. SO doesn't contact him, and vice versa.


stormabruin's picture

We live about 2 hours from BM now, but I don't believe distance makes all the difference. In our situation it started the day DH let the kids go back to BM. As long as he was custodial, BM had all the visitation she wanted & he wasn't enforcing her CS. As soon as they changed custody, skids started skipping visitation & BM took DH to court for CS. He was seeing them about once a month & it kept falling back from there.