What are your main issues with the skids? How does YOUR behavior contribute to those issues?
What are your main issues with the skids?
How does your behavior, actions, issues, etc affect the relationship with the skids?
How does your relationship with the skids affect your marriage?
What have you learned in your own journey as a SP?
What advice would you give to new SPs?
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What are your main issues
What are your main issues with the skids? kaos' defiance and shitty attitude.
How does your behavior, actions, issues, etc affect the relationship with the skids? he doesnt like me because i'm not his bitch.
How does your relationship with the skids affect your marriage? he wants everyone to be happy with the least amount of effort put in as possible. so the dynamic w/ kaos' causes definite stress between dh and i. especially where peanutbutter and jelly is involved.
What have you learned in your own journey as a SP? it's never steady, it's ever-changing and fluid
What advice would you give to new SPs? prepare for the worst, hope for the best. do NOT allow yourself to give more of yourself to skids than their own parents do. ONLY do as much or as little at YOU are comfortable doing- remember, these kids already have parents. and do not let yourself get bullied or guilted into being taken advantage of.
This is my DH! How does your
This is my DH!
How does your relationship with the skids affect your marriage? he wants everyone to be happy with the least amount of effort put in as possible
^THIS^ Hands off approach all
^THIS^
Hands off approach all the way here. It's easier now that SD24 is an adult. I think she's immature, and having a bit of a hard time launching because BM was a bit of a helicopter parent. DH is a little bit too hands off though.
I think DH likes it when I do little things for SD24 and include her in our family. He wanted me to do it when she was younger, but she was a real brat, and I didn't want to do things for someone who doesn't appreciate it. Now that she's growing up, I don't mind it so much.
It was hard, but I think I learned to not make a big deal out of DH's poor parenting. If it doesn't affect me, let it all go. We can afford for DH to spend more than I think is wise, so just let it all go. If DH and BM want to spoil SD and make it harder for her to grow up, as long as she's not in my house and affecting my ability to raise my children, it doesn't matter.
I think the fact that I take
I think the fact that I take zero shit, that affects my relationship with the skids. I just dont fuck around. If you are going to treat me like shit then you aren't going to be allowed around me, including my home. I'm also controlling, so I think that has caused some issues as well. That I will take blame for.
I was more open in the beginning but as time went on and I saw the shit that the skids did and how they treated me and DH, I just put up a wall. Like they cant get pass it with their b.s.
I'm good with SS. The girl skids though, they act just like BM. And its not that I dont like them because they are mini BMs, but I dont like their actions, how they run their life, the choices they make. I wouldn't like them if I met them on the street. They are shady and pretty white trash to be honest.
I have learned to not take everything so personal. Also I cant control what other people do. Other people's opinion of me, isnt any of my business. Disengagement is AWESOME! It takes time but its so helpful. Over time it gets easier. Nitpicking gets you no way. Have constructive criticism. I am still working on that.
DH would say the skids dont affect us at all. I feel that they and their issues are an elephant in the room. I dont like discord in my life and I feel like since they are my husband's children and we dont get along, that it is an issue. It bothers me and I sometimes carry that into our relationship. This is something else I am working on.
I am like you, zero. I don't
I am like you, zero. I don't take shit from BabyVoice and ASS, I don't get any from Karate Kid, and I NEVER took any shit from my own kids. If you're a dick to me, I will be a dick right back. That certainly contributes.
I know it bugs the skids that
I know it bugs the skids that they can't manipulate me like they do their parents. That is part of their issue with me. That I don't let them walk all over me.
yeah - it bugs my skids that
yeah - it bugs my skids that I expect them to do for themselves instead of whining for Daaaaddddeee to do something for them.
Their biggest issue with me is that I don't ignore their rude behavior. But then again, I don't ignore anyone's rude behavior.
Well rude behavior should
Well rude behavior should never be ignored. Either by speaking up or just "ignoring" it and cataloging it for future reference. Sometimes I do find it exhausting pointing out all the shitty behavior because that would take up too much space in my head and cause me to have a constant shitty attitude.
I learned with DH, I dont have to point out every shitty action that the skids do. Its usually better to let him see if for himself. Because then surprisingly he has a different reaction/action to it. Sometimes it takes some time and a lot of biting my tongue but usually once it plays it, it is GLORIOUS.
This is how I work it in step life and in dealing with other people I encounter in my life.
My main issue with SS30 is
My main issue with SS30 is not how he treats me (he adores my money) but how he treats others. He's a truly vile specimen of humanity. A real bottom feeder. I just do not tolerate that kind of ass in my life.
I have no relationship with SS nor will I ever again - totally my choice. SS would love to be part of our life and mooch off of us and enjoy our life style. I think it is incredibly stupid for people to make an effort to include horrid people in their life. Why?
DH and I had some real rows over SS when I still saw him as I would voice my opinion of SS to DH and then he wanted to defend him. About two years ago I just 100% removed SS from my life. I have not seen him nor talked to him. DH and I have not a single argument since I quit acknowledging SS's existence. I just decline any interaction with SS - I do not give the reasons behind it.
I think I learned long before becoming a stepparent to not tolerate shitty people in my life. I think I gave SS a fair chance, but the more I got to know him the more I decided that he needed to fall into the black hole of "this person does not exist" in my life.
My advice to new SPs would be to not make snap decisions based on past behavior or even one or two mistakes. But once you determine that ANYBODY in your life is really horrible - get rid of them. Never place yourself in a financial position where your partner gets to dictate your life choices.
To be completely honest, skid
To be completely honest, skid (SD now 20) wasn't really the problem.
The problem was the way H reacted to everything. Uberskank (BM) is a horrible person and a horrible mother. All of skid's life, he felt he had to protect her. First from Uberskank, and then from anyone that dared to consider his baby was less than perfect.
Enter Shaman. Even though I treated her fairly (mistakes as a new SM aside), if I said anything negative about our situation, I became another enemy to shield from his child.
A kid that would be a lot better off in the world had he stepped back (like I suggested) and let her make choices, learn from her mistakes and gain the confidence she needed to become self-reliant and self-sufficient.
Instead, he looked at all of my suggestions (positive and negative) as hating his kid. The second I'd mention skid's name, I was immediately evil and in the wrong.
Skid and I have an okay relationship now. But it probably would have been a lot better, a lot sooner had H stepped in and let her know the mini-wife days were over and that she had to treat me politely and with respect. Instead, he allowed her to say and do anything she wanted when it came to me. When I complained, I was labeled evil SM.
SD16 issues: aggresssive
SD16 issues: aggresssive antisocial behavior. Filthy. Striving for the bottom. Kicked, hit, scratched, tormented her younger, smaller, autistic brother till I put a stop to it myself. Insults me, insults her dad, insults random kids at school. Talks nonstop, no care for anyone else's interests or chance to say something. Has been physical with me.
My behavior: I don't bow down and make her every wish come true, she doesn't like that. I am warm and friendly and clean and make holidays fun. Her mother is not only none of these things but is also emotionally very distant. I think it created a crisis of a loyalty bind for her when she realized that not all women are like her mom. Had to shut me down in order to build up her mother in her own eyes.
Relationship/marriage: It has made us very, very close because we have worked so hard together to cope with this big giant problem. We have had to trust that the other person had both the child's and our own best interest at heart.
Learned: It's an illusion that you can have a significant positive impact on a stepchild. Seems like you're in the perfect spot to help but it turns out the child has free will and the other parent has massive influence and your own spouse doesn't actually share your brain so he'll do things that shock you even when you know he's trying. If the child chooses to resent the very air you breathe you are the last person who can teach her anything. Except about yourself which is what you will and won't take.
Advice: Maintain strong personal boundaries from the start. Don't let them do things you will resent. Speak up and get it out there, don't assume your partner sees what you see. Chances are nearly zero that he does.
My main issue with my SD24 is
My main issue with my SD24 is that she is a co-dependent and thinks that somebody else, anybody else, should support her. She is lazy (and scared) and refuses to get a job. Also, she blames me for stuff that I really have nothing to do with.
This affects my relationship with her because I have no respect for her and since I know she has misplaced anger towards me, I am very distant.
I am lucky in that my relationship with her does not affect my marriage. Although my DH would like me to at least like his daughter, he sees her faults and does not blame me for how I feel.
Being a step mom has reinforced that I was right that I did not want children.
The advice I would give new SPs would actually have to come before they became SPs. Know.what.you.are.getting.into. Do not just jump into a commitment with someone who has kids. Get to know the dynamic first and know how your partner REALLY is as a parent and how he/she interacts with the ex. Know what YOU want from your partner and let your partner know what you expect.
What are your main issues
What are your main issues with the skids?
Chucky's aggression/ violent behaviour. His erratic mood swings which can set off very nasty behavior. Not knowing his triggers, they don't have tells any more. It's scary.
How does your behavior, actions, issues, etc affect the relationship with the skids?
I am obsessive about hygiene and no violence in my home. Both problems my SS has. It makes things very difficult.
How does your relationship with the skids affect your marriage?
In the beginning it didn't affect any of us as Chucky wasn't like this. Then it almost broke us. Now it hardly impacts us. 90% of our step life problems come from BM or in laws. Admittedly I have disengaged almost 100% and Chucky's mother has slowed down her PAS as visitation has halved.
What have you learned in your own journey as a SP?
I can't fix or own everything that happens in my home life.
What advice would you give to new SPs?
Your husband or wife is the end prize (asssuming they're not an a-hole). Work on your relationship. Validate your partner as often as possible, no matter how small it is. When you need something improved on or handled try the positive approach before losing your toys out the cot. That needs to be a last resort. If all else fails, disengage. I trust you will have tried every avenue open to you before disengaging
WHOA!!!!! Just HAD to comment
WHOA!!!!!
Just HAD to comment on this one.....
Ann, I've read some of your previous blog comments and my first thought was....oh boy, let's hug them and love them forever and it will just fix EVERYTHING!
I think you are totally contradicting yourself..."don't do it unless you can love the skids fully and unconditionally...etc"
Then you conclude with "Don't try to fall into some specific role you think you should take, just develop your own special unique relationship with the skids based on their personalities and yours"
I think your first comment is WAY offbase, but your second comment is right on.
You do NOT have to love your skids in order to be a step-parent! Sheesh. How do you "make" someone love someone else? It's like plunking your neighbor's kid in front of you and saying, "There! Love them!!"
It's great if your blending situation works well, but you CANNOT take that situation as one-size fits all when there are so many others that struggle EVERY DAY with their blended families.
You know, darkstar, one of
You know, darkstar, one of the things I've learned as a stepparent is there really are some kids who are not loveable. I would never have thought that before entering this world and then having it reinforced by StepTalk. How was notasm supposed to love unconditionally an adult gang member murderer? How is Ghost supposed to love unconditionally a boy who plots and executes a fraudulent CPS claim in order to stop visiting his dad? How about Notascapegoat with a child who wishes harm to scapegoat's baby? How was Sailor girl supposed to love unconditionally a stepdaughter who was kept a secret from her? I could go on and on.
The love I have for my own sd has a lot more to do with picturing my dh's grief if something happened to her. Other than that, she's given me precious little to hold onto. But that's ok because she ALREADY HAS TWO PARENTS TO LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY! By contrast, I love her brother to bits. But that took time to develop. I was ready to embrace and nurture them but an actual feeling independent of their dad's role in my life took some time. Now I worry about ss's future all the time without having to picture dh's feelings. I will do my best for that boy even if I outlive dh.