Parents caught in the middle ***profanity***

Hot topic. Especially in my own personal experience recently.

I know for me as a BM, it does suck when I am caught in between DH and BS. BS respects DH and has that healthy fear of him and getting in trouble. But BS is also VERY stubborn and if he thinks he is right, he is not changing that stance whatsoever. He is 10 now but when he gets to be a teenager that may be an issue. I am on his ass anytime he steps out of line but I think kids will do stuff out of line, no matter how well they are raised. Shit happens sometimes.

So in regards to the situation that happened at my house (read prior blog) here is the jist of some of the MANY texts that BM sent to DH:

*We all know your wife wears the pants and you ain't nothing but a pussy.

*How does it feel that your girls know you have no backbone

*Letting a bitch tell you what to do

*You have a grandson you may never see again, was it worth it

*She is your daughter fight for her

*you must be scared of your cunt wife you pussy ass bitch

I know in BM's mind she thinks that no matter what her kids do even if wrong and really wrong that she will always have their back and that DH should have their back too.

We often hear people (in general) say "Kids come first no matter what. Your kids are forever."

Or hear "As his wife, you are to come first."

Is there different circumstances that change things?

For kids that are adults as opposed to minors?

Or kids that live in the home and kids that live in outside the home.

What BM said didnt really bother me per say in regards to the current situation. Because she should really be more concerned that her daughter was trying to fight someone while holding her baby. And of course I am a little puzzled as to if she thought that DH was just going to let MSD stay at the house after the situation.

So thoughts on parents being caught in the middle of their SOs and their kids not getting along, whether there is violent behavior their or not. Stealing, disrespect, etc.

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Your situation is just

Your situation is just stupid, the things that BM said are stupid. Your SD is an adult. Just because she can't stroll around inside your house as she pleases, does NOT mean she can't have a "relationship" with DH. She can see him whenever she wants, she can FB him, have lunch with him, talk on the phone with him, etc. she just can't come in your house, because well she doesn't live there duh. Again she's a grown ass adult SHE is responsible for her relationships, NOT you, NOT your DH, NOT BM.

So on to if we're talking minor kids. I know for DH it was very hard having SD17 live with us because we didn't really care for each other. He was monkey in the middle, trying to keep me happy, trying to keep SD happy and it rarely worked, well because we were NEVER going to be happy living under the same roof. So we pretty much just all resigned ourselves to that fact. I steered clear of SD, she steered clear of me. Now if I was being abusive or SD was being violent, then I would certainly expect DH to step up and do something about it. I would not expect him to "put me first" when I was acting the fool, just as I would not expect him to put SD first when she was acting the fool. I guess my point is the answer to who comes first? is not really black or white. I think it's situational. Sometimes kids should come first, sometimes spouses should come first. YKWIM?

I'm just speaking in general.

I'm just speaking in general. This topic doesnt just apply to me. I think other posters are going through the same thing.

LOL and no I think BM and YSD and OSD are the only ones that think that is okay. And I'm not surprised.

This shit has gone through my

This shit has gone through my head for years. Nature vs nurture ~ I go back n forth in this discussion. I think that is how BM reacts with her kids so the kids only know how to communicate in a way unhealthy fashion. That's the nurture ~ you are a product of you environment ~ BUT there comes a time in your life when it's nature that should take over. You just don't treat people poorly n not expect to get the same treatment in return.

I have had conversations w SO about this. He believes that's his part in raising her will come through haven't seen it. I see BM's upbringing shine through ~ not in a good way. It's more Veruca style. I want what I want when I want it ~ manipulative fashion. The narcissist in full force. BM was kicked out of her house by her "lovely" mother n was raised by her Grandfather. I am sure very lacing in discipline ( why she thinks it is ok to have other people raise her daughter n not feel bad about it )

SO's sisters believe that SO raised her ~ by a blind eye ~ very carefree with no boundaries but he did a ton of stuff with her. He coached sports for her for like 7 years with the financial totally falling on him. He gave up his life for her ~ but when his alone time came he was for sure to play hard. ( revolving door with the ladies ~ he wasn't looking for anything more that a shallow relationship. His sisters believe she (SD) is a narcissistic socio path n the others believe she will change as she matures. With her mother being who she is ~ I can't imagine her changing. It's not BM's fashion.

Is it possible ???? I don't believe so ...

I think the theory of backing

I think the theory of backing your kids no matter what is a huge disservice to them and to society. If your kid is a thief, murderer or whatever and you choose to still support them instead of telling them what they did is wrong and unacceptable TO EVERYONE then they will never learn what's right. In your case, every single time your BM validated her daughter's delinquent actions towards you and your DH created a snowball effect and now she's uncontrollable and safe to say intolerable to the rest of society. I do believe in loving your kids and letting them know that BUT there's a difference between loving them through everything and enabling. A real parent would correct their children no matter the consequences. A lazy parent or insecure parent will always take the path of least resistance when it comes to their kids.

Well put, Maxwell. You used

Well put, Maxwell.

You used the word 'validate', which made me take notice. How true that these classless "Momma Bears" are all about rushing to defend their offspring's anti-social behavior...blindly giving validation instead of focusing on the specifics of the brat's conduct. Too bad they never seem to want to be a bear about instilling integrity and building good character, eh?

Good points. DH said that MSD

Good points.

DH said that MSD acted just like BM acts... Like that is some excuse? OSD is the same way. I think there is hope for YSD to not act that way because she has been parented a little better then the rest.

And he divorced BM! If he

And he divorced BM! If he wasn't willing to put up with it from her anymore, why would he be willing to put up with it from his children?

Sometimes men just need to see things from a different angle.

For me the marriage comes

For me the marriage comes first but that's a two way street. We both have to put it first. Because the kids will grow up and have their own lives and we will still have each other. That being said, if they are being abused or something like that the kids wellbeing takes precedence.

I don't understand how your

I don't understand how your questions relate to the text in your post (though I'll admit I haven't had a chance to read your other post you refer to so maybe that's why I'm confused).

BM is attempting to triangulate by insulting DH's masculinity. If she plants a seed of doubt with your DH that he's being a coward when on a team with you, she hopes to drive a wedge into your marriage. She doesn't like that he no longer lets her boss him around and she's hoping to get that back.

See it for what it is.

This is a very good topic. It

This is a very good topic. It makes me realize that DH and I must be screwy...I sometimes dislike the way he parents the skids, he doesn't always like the way I parent BS14, yet we can co-parent our BS10 perfectly fine and 9 times out of ten be on the same page...However, when it comes to BS14, his "real dad" chose not to be in his life, so since the age of 2, DH has been the only dad BS14 has known, so they have a pretty good relationship. However, there are times I want to jump right to BS14's defense. For example, ever since the skids were little, any time they're bored, they just lay in bed..and I'd tell DH it wasn't good for them to lay around all day (both are overweight) and DH would say "whatever, keeps them out of my hair and they're not bothering anyone..so I let it go..wasn't a big enough issue to keep nagging about..yet when BS14 is bored and wants to lay around, DH gets on his ass..When I asked DH why the skids were allowed to do such a silly thing yet BS14 couldn't, his response was "BM controls every little thing the girls do, my opinion (even if it's at my house) doesn't matter..with the boys, we can work to make sure they don't end up acting like my girls." I honestly wasn't sure what to think or say about that. Seemed kind of a lame excuse yet made sense at the same time. I think the whole "who do you really fight for" thing depends on the situation. There was a time when I was going on and on about how crappy the skids were and DH got on my ass, and I must admit, he was right..I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. However, whenever the skids have disrespected me, DH stands up for me. So I think he does his best to stand up for whomever is truly right. And I do my best to do the same thing. I'm just lucky that BS14 doesn't treat DH the way that the skids treat me..heck BS14 acts like more of a bio kid to DH than his bio-daughters do.

In that case it kind of

In that case it kind of sounds like he was making a good point. That your bs and the bs you have in common could be raised by both of you to be good kids, productive members of society...and he knows he's already lost at trying to make his other kids into anything good.