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Any and All advice on Disengaging PLEASE!

DontCallMeStepmom16's picture

I have done a lot of research lately on disengaging from my 3 skids. I also think it will be the best thing for my DH to disengage from my son as well. The questions that I have

*How far has YOUR disengagement gone? Do you do separate laundry? Cook separate meals? Buy separate groceries? Christmas/holidays together?

*How did your DH find out about the disengagement? Did you talk about? Talk to the kids about it? Did you just start doing it little by little without a discussion? I personally think my DH would be against this. He thinks we can be one big happy family. Like a lot of DH's, he doesn't "get" where I'm coming from.

*If you are fully disengaged, how do you handle the little every day stuff? Open microwave-total mess. I would normally clean it. None of kids admit to it. Who cleans it? Picture frame is smashed on the floor. I usually would clean it up. Nobody broke it. Who picks up the mess?

Is there a happy medium? Or is it all or nothing. Please share your experience and knowledge.

Comments

DontCallMeStepmom16's picture

Yes! I have! I have read countless articles over the last couple months. I understand that this is a "last resort" so to speak, but I don't know how I can stay if something doesn't change. We have been talking, bitching, discussing, talking, compromising, bitching, and talking about our continued issues with the kids for way too long now.

MommyNotMommy's picture

I think the key part of disengaging for me was when I told my FDH what I was planning to do, and then did it. SD8 is too young to understand, but I would have included her in the conversation in, say 2-3 years, so if your SKs are 11+ I would involve them. The point of disengaging is to improve your relationship with your partner, and to remove the friction caused by SKs. So you have to talk about it, otherwise it just looks like one more asshole move.

You make it sound like you're doing them a favor though. Like, This isn't working so I'm trying something new. I love you all very much (swallow the bile) and I want our lives to be peaceful, but when I tell SKs what to do we end up in a big fight all the time. It sucks! From now on, I'm not going to tell SKs what to do any more. I'm also not going to be available for [all the shit you do for SKs- laundry, homework, rides, cooking, whatever it is you aren't doing it]. If you are polite and pleasant, and ask me nicely, and it fits in my schedule, I might be able to help you. I think we'll be able to get along much better this way! Smile

I had sooo much success with this. It was getting ridiculous. I actually re-engaged after DH realized exactly how much work his kid is, and told her in no uncertain terms that she had to be polite. Now he randomly tells me how much he appreciates everything I do! And after a particularly annoying BM episode he ALWAYS says how he's so grateful I'm here and I help. Woo! Turns out all I really wanted was a little acknowledgement, I guess. I can put up with quite a bit of annoying 8 year old as long as I feel like he gets that I'm putting up with it out of love for him, and not obligated to do it.

Glassslipper's picture

My disengagement too was not due to the kids. They are kids, kids do kids things, I have two kids, they do kids things too.

My disengagement was because I was married before and did EVERYTHING in the house, when we moved in together, suddenly I took on EVERYTHING again, and we were fighting over silly stuff, like the kids messes and broken stuff in the home as well.

I stopped doing it...
Things are much better now, we split the laundry 50/50, I run it through the machines and fold it, he puts away. He now grocery shops with me to help, when I say "I need to clean the house" he goes and get the cleaning supplies and starts right away...lol

I only had to make three changes to get DH to see and appreciate all I do.
1) I stopped cleaning up after the skids,I leave there little crap all over the house to have him pick up, if it is bothering me, I pick it up and hand it to him.
2) I use the phrase "I don't know, ask your Dad" alot and I will "shut out" When they are jumping up and down in the kitchen saying "can we have ice cream" I keep doing what I'm doing and don't answer... I let DH answer, they are his kids...so clearly they are asking him... right? lol...and when its SM, SM, SM can we??? can we???? I again refer to "I don't know, ask your Dad"
3) serious talk with DH, its either BM or me. But we had HUGE!!! boundary issues with BM, like HUGE, she would plan stuff on our weekends and TELL DH what he was doing and we need to cancel our plans, and would always ask for hug and text about stuff for emotional support...she was way out of line and I was taking the back seat to her. So now that is stopped.

It worked great so far, DH is very partner now, very appreciate and things have been smooth for months.

Good Luck!

HadEnoughx5's picture

I have been disengaged for about 4 years. I did it because DH was not parenting or co parenting with me and everything was blamed on me.Then with BM she was PASing the skids from me too. I did tell DH that I could no longer deal with the whole mess and was disengaging.

I no longer do their laundry. The skids wash, dry and put them in their room. It is never done completely and DH is lucky if they hang it up, but then again he's usually there to pick up the pieces for them.

They pack their own bags to go back to BM's. I don't cook for them because all heard was how everything was bad and ss13 wouldn't behave at the table so I barely ever eat with them. If I cook I make one meal and that's for DH and I. If they eat good, if they don't, oh well.

I tell DH all my requests. If I want to watch TV at a certain time, he tells SS to get off the xbox. If I tell the skids to do something and they don't, I tell DH and let him decide if he will do anything.

When I went into this I was very angry and bitter. The whole thing had changed my personality. Then a light bulb went off.

I decided that if BM doesn't want me to have a relationship with the skids and DH does nothing to combat BM and skids behavior, then he only reinforces what BM is preaching. If they don't care then why am I fighting my way into their lives?

I didn't like me and decided to behave the way I was before all the drama. So every decision I make I think about the person I was before BM drama and I do things with a happy heart. Things like saying hi to them or starting up conversation or even attending activities.

I'm still disengaged but engaging on MY terms.