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MommyMayI's picture

Are there levels of disengagement? Can you just disengage in situations where bm are involved? Do you have to disengage completely? I need more info please.


Tuff Noogies's picture

remember too, it's an evolving process. i like to think of it as stepping back and detaching from issues that cause me stress, that are really dh's responsibility to handle in the first place.

it can be different parts of daily life - dishes, laundry, cooking, manners, state of their bedroom, homework, transportation, school clothes/supplies, hygiene, conversations, and on and on. you can pick and choose what YOU want to be involved with or NOT. you can also have different levels with different people. and it's fluid, you can alter it based on circumstances as time passes.

and you can absolutely disengage from bm. dont talk to her, dont talk about her, if the kids mention her, say "uh huh..." and change the subject. you can decide whether or not to discuss her w/ dh when u're alone, or u can cut her out of your head and life completely. it's up to YOU.

Mom23's picture

Can you give an example of how this works for you? What do you disengage with and what don't you? I'm just curious. I try to disengage with some things but I always find myself back in the mix. Trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Mom23 -

i am more disengaged w/ yss than i am w/ mss. but for both, i dont pick up after them and i dont do their laundry. i taught them how to do laundry, but dh chooses to do it for them - fine. i dont cook unless i feel like it, dh allows them to tell him what they want, and he'll cook different things for the same meal (like "i want pork chops" "nooo i want burritos" so he'll do both.)

i dont mess w/ mss' homework, but i will help yss if he asks and behaves. it's easier to get me to give a ride to mss than yss, cuz mss doesnt try to needle me or start shit w/ me if we're together in the car. i also chit chat a whole lot more w/ mss - if yss is not being pleasant i go elsewhere or i just ignore him.

hygiene is good for both of them so no need for me to step in. manners, also no need except for rare occasions - if u burp or fart in front of me, i will say "DUUUUDE......" (which usually gets an 'oh sorry' response at least.)

basically, if there's positive responses, and you WANT to engage in certain aspects, go ahead. if there's negative responses that are stressing you too much, step out of that topic all together. and it doesnt have to be across the board for all skids involved either.

MommyMayI's picture

I just want to disengage from bm. I don't want to hear about her or talk about her. I don't want her controlling my thoughts or my actions. I am going to try it today. As long as their agreements don't effect me or my bios, I don't care what they come up with.

Tuff Noogies's picture

sounds good, OP - but if i were you i'd clue your dh into this. that way he'll know that you dont want to hear a single mention of her, for your own mental sanity. maybe he'll be helpful in watching himself when 'bouncing' plans and stuff off of you.

hereiam's picture

If the BM, her actions, the agreements or disagreements between her and your DH, really do not affect your life, then you can certainly disengage just from her.

The problem with high conflict BMs is, their shit almost always affects your life, one way or another.

In my case, I did not deal with BM directly (usually), but I did help my DH when he needed on issues involving her, mostly legal because I'm good at that shit. And weirdly, talking about it actually helped me deal with all of the crap that she put us through. But we didn't talk about all of the little things, just the major stuff.

When SD (now 24) talked about her, I just made neutral comments but sometimes she actually had useful information, so I did listen.

I felt like I could not completely disengage from the BM stuff because she was (and is) very manipulative so it was not in my best interest to step all the way back where she was concerned.

If your DH can handle everything regarding her on his own, by all means, keep her out of your space, mentally and physically.

Andie91801's picture

I know exactly what you talked about. Even I want to disengage from BM completely but still have to deal with her because DH.


hereiam's picture

I'll tell you what, Andie, the best day of my married life was when SD got married and DH could have CS terminated, thus ending his legal and financial ties with BM. Hasta la vista, baby!

We are both disengaged from her, now.