DH and I have been having a rough 6 months or so. I need to find the best way to bring up the issues and get him to listen. When I try to talk to DH about how I am feeling he just hears nagging.
In the past I would write letters, long texts and try to talk to him and really press for communication. Over time I realized I only end up frustrated by the lack of response I get from him so I just tend to not address issues with him because I feel it's pointless.
I am very independent and very busy so we both have no problem ignoring each other for days.
DH used to be a "runner" where he would physically leave when I was trying to talk to him about stuff or we were fighting. He no longer does that (he did in the past and I told him that that was not going to work and he worked on it) but now I think he just mentally shuts down.
DH is a functioning alcoholic. Has been for at least 20 years. Because he drinks every night everything seems "fine". Because of course when you are buzzed everything will be "fine"! But since this is all DH knows he doesn't see it as a problem. He has basically numbed his feelings for all of his adult life.
DH is more enjoyable to be around when he drinks because on the rare occasion he doesn't drink he is even less social and sometimes says 5 words to me all day. He's not a talker anyways but it's almost like when he doesn't drink he just shuts down and lays in bed all day and just watches tv.
I think he has some resentment towards me in regards to the skids. He won't come right out and say it because it would require a discussion and he does not want to do that and he would have to address his own faults in the situation and he doesn't want to do that either. But I think the situation with the skids weigh on him more then he lets on to me and himself.
We are complete opposites. How we were raised, what we believe in, our views on things, etc. I didn't realize how different we were until we started bumping heads on things. I don't think being opposites is a deal breaker but it definitely means we have to work harder.
DH doesn't understand the "extras" that I do for myself and BS. Volunteer work, boosters, helping at the school, helping out with the sports, work networking,etc. He grew up where these things were not the norm and it wasn't the norm when married to BM/with the skids. DH's mother and then DH/BM never were involved in anything other then work and the skids weren't involved in anything either.
Important statement here- He honestly doesn't understand why I do extras and then I am too exhausted to take care of him. He thinks if I can help the school with something for example, if he needs something from me I should be fine to do it, since I was fine to help the school.
DH grew up seeing his mom NEVER putting him or his siblings first and ALWAYS putting her boyfriend first so he thinks that is how it should be.
This leaves me feeling very unsupported and very frustrated.
Another big issue is sex. Again he grew up in a very unhealthy environment with views on sex. It was not always like this but I feel now that sex is a chore, I could be any vagina hole and it's all about him being taken care of. No foreplay, no warm up, nothing. We have gotten to this point- partly because I was just giving quickies more as a means to just shut him up and "do my duty". I don't have a high sex drive but I have sex way more then I "need" to because I want that bond with DH. Sex isn't about bonding to him. It's about fulfilling a need. As you can imagine over time this has made me feel very upset and used and that he isn't respecting me as his wife. I feel like telling him- go get you some hoe because that sounds like all you want.
Obviously with all of his faults there are a lot of good things about him, hence why I married him in the first place. Yes he sounds like an ass here and yes he can be an ass and yes we are having a hard time right now but there is good in our marriage though lately I've been feeling about everything.
Any constructive advice is appreciated. No offense but I don't want to hear "Well my DH would never do X, Y, Z" because that isn't going to help me. (Sorry I have seen it on here so many times (and myself guilty of doing that) and I'm just not in the mood).
We haven't been in counseling in a long time. I think it would help but it's going to be a pain getting him there. He seems to think everything is okay. Not 100% okay but as long as we aren't screaming and fighting (like him and BM) and we still love each other that everything is okay.
And to add- our issues aren't really skid related.