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How do I get BM out of my headspace! Advice.

you-can't-argue-with-crazy's picture

Here's a bit of background - my Fiance has 3 children, SS10 SS9 and SD5. BM is a now ex drug addict party girl and they had a horrible on and off relationship for about 7 years ish, never married. They got pregnant with their first in their early 20's after dating for 2 months, Fiance has said they wouldn't have made it 6 months if it wasn't for that but he was "staying for the kids" (Dumbass!)  She did drugs, was out partying all the time, wouldn't get up in the mornings to help with the kids, would sneak out in the middle of the night, left for almost a year at one point then he let her back for some stupid reason, stole from him, stole from his family, cheated, lied etc etc etc. She ended up getting with another guy she's still with and he got out of the relationship then. 

We met almost a year later and have been together and tight since. She did not like this! I think she thought he would always be her back up or something just incase her new relationship didn't work out. In the beginning they had no set scheudle, it was whatever she said went, so it was alot of her last minute telling him he was taking the kids for set amount of time, then last minute bailing on picking the kids up when she said she would, or lieing about her power being out and getting him to take the kids when we had tickets to an event already, the constan texts messages and phone calls and pop ins, the constant Facebook messages and likes and comments and tagging him in old photos, or posting pics of her and the kids and tagging him in those. She has called my workplace to yell at me. She used to walk into the house when I was there and she was dropping the kids off to borrow DVD's from him without asking, super akward. Obviously pissing on "her" territory. Just caued a lot of drama in the beginning, we had a ruff go in the start and I'm so glad our love for each other overcame this crazy woman. 

My Fiance had no clue about his rights then, before I came around. Things are different now, and we finally have a court order, week on week off, holiday schedule etc. Things are better. But still not to where we'd like them. 

I need advice on getting this woman out of my head space! I'm someone who worries alot, and I can be a jealous person, and I can't stand that I overthink everything and constantly ask my fiance if she's emailed (he now has her blocked from his phone and will only communicate through email with her)

The week the kids aren't with us, we don't hear a peep. Then when it's our week "off" it's constant emails about things she could easily ask the kids and get an answer from them, and it always turns into a fight, she's just that person who can create drama and problems out of thin air. He hates communicating with her because of this. 

I've sugessted he only communicate with her on the switch day to exchange info from the week and unless there is an emergency or something that has to be discussed it can wait until the following switch day, and that he doesn't have to respond about every stupid thing she thinks to email him about. Is this unreasonable? 

Is it better to just tell my Fiance not to tell me anything unless it's something I should be informed about. I've been in the mindset that I want to know absolutely everything that is talked about between the two of them, I think this comes from the beginning when she would text him she missed him and asked if he was missing her. Now that I know that nonsence has stopped, maybe it's better I am just not in the know. I'm having a hard time with this, with not knowing, but maybe it is for the better and hopefully after a month or so I get used to it and it gets easier.

Advice? Sorry for the long post. 


tog redux's picture

Yes. Just let him handle it, and ask him to only tell you things you need to know.

I used to try to control how my DH managed BM, also out of anxiety, but it's his problem to manage, even if you don't think he manages it right. Let him deal with it, and focus on what you can control (you and your reactions).

justmakingthebest's picture

I am a total control freak so I get where you are coming from. The best thing that you can do when it comes to communication with the ex is to stay out of it. You trust him enough to marry him, so trust him enough to handle BM. Unless something affects your schedule, don't worry about it. Hopefully he will have enough respect for you to check with you for a schedule change. Trying to control this will only lead to both of you being frustrated all the time. 

Coco72's picture

Since your asking for opinions I'll share mine. Only being told what you need to know is probably best, but in reality (or my reality experience anyways) it is not that easy. 

I had many of the same experiences you describe, BM was cheating during their marriage, and basically acted like she didn't care what he was doing when they separated. When she found out about me all he!! broke loose. She admitted that she thought she could do whatever she wanted and that he would just always forgive her, and take her back. When she realized that wasn't going to happen she would use their son who was 9 at the time as leverage. When he would call the house to talk to him she would always answer, if he wanted to talk to his son he would have to tell her he loved her and missed her, or some sort of emotional blackmail. She would tell him she had no money, and no food, and that her account was overdrawn so he couldn't just deposit money in it, they would need to see each other, then she would literally throw herself at him, try kissing him, groping him, flashing herself at him, etc. She would then immediately call me and tell me that DH (we were just dating at the time) just told her he loved her, or that they just met up, etc. I would call him and get a completely different story. I totally trusted him, but I could only take so much before it started to wear on me. Was I being stupid? Was he playing me? Was she? It seriously drove me mad.

At that point I needed to know EVERYTHING, he would tell me if he was going to contact her, and all contact was via text, if she called he would ignore the call and text her asking what she needed. I could see all the text messages. He also never saw her in person without someone else being there, sometimes it was me, sometimes it was a friend or co-worker. That had to be done because she made some false criminal claims. Once he did those things miraculously she stopped contacting me. 

It's been about 2 years now, and I don't need to know everything anymore, but he definitely keeps very strict tight boundaries with her. I usually know whats going on because he will ask my opinion. But she does not take up as much of my mind-space as she did before, nor does she take as much of our time as she did before. I think what helped me was my DH being completely transparent when it came to SS11 and BM, when I saw he wasn't hiding anything it got much easier.

CLove's picture

I am over 4.5 years into this, and also have a crazy, alcoholic BM I like to call Toxic Troll. Shes improving a bit (she should shes over 50!) but in the beginning things were really tough. Largely because then SO-now-DH  did not make a "clean break" of things during their separation process. Translation: they continued dating, going out and dancing and sometimes being intimate. Ewe. But there you have it. So, she had a tough time letting go, and there was major backlash because of this.

I suppose all the crazy ones have "passion" and us steadies are boring? Dunno. But ToxicTroll has taken up too much of my time already, and Ive been working on improving this. At first I also wanted to know everything. She used to text DH things too, he called them "zingers".

If you are like me and get obsessive, you need to occupy yourself, and really put some efforts into extrication. Do not get involved in any of their communications. Your knowledge is "As Needed" basis. Thats how I deal with it. ToxicTroll used to like to text him about all her dating life. I had to insist to DH that this was unnecessary, and him mentioning anything to do with her dating life was inappropriate and would make her think that he still cares who she is out with. She even likes to bait him with "my froend, this and that" so he will take the bait and respond with "your date this or that", then she comes back with "oh so now you feel like you can comment on my personal life??" Yep. This has happened!

I recall, at one birthday party for Munchkin SD12 ( a few years ago, we do not attend any parties with Toxic Troll any longer), she made the comment that the popular Maroone 5 song at the time was "their song". You probably know the one..."one more night". Yup thats the song ToxicTroll dubbed "their song":

"One More Night"

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.
You and I go rough, we keep throwing things and slamming the door.
You and I get so damn dysfunctional, we stopped keeping score.
You and I get sick, yeah, I know that we can't do this no more.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

It sounds like you need a break from this!!!!! We all do!