You have to reset his body clock. He's now in a pattern of late nights and probably compensating with daytime sleep. His behaviour at nursery is almost certainly down to exhaustion and the dropping off at odd times when he can't fight it any more is also an obvious sign. Unfortunately you end up in a cycle when you're so glad he's fallen asleep you may then leave him to sleep far too long.

I would say that 9pm is too late a bedtime for a 3 year old, although I imagine you've got into that routine thinking if you leave it later maybe he will be more willing to sleep. In fact he's probably going past his natural tired phase at 7 and then getting his second wind. What you actually find is that the later you put your child to bed, the worse they sleep and often the earlier they wake. A child that goes to bed earlier will often sleep better and for longer.

I would stop daytime naps altogether, or limit it to 1hr maximum, waking at least 4 hours before a 7/7.30pm bedtime. Start your bedtime routine at 6 if possible, and give him more wind-down time by putting him in a warm bath for half an hour. Then do the teeth and the stories and lights out at 7. Don't let him fall asleep in the front of the TV, that's been proven to cause sleep problems because it's stimulating a child at a time when they should be quiet and winding down. Then continue with the no talking return to bed approach you've been using if he tries to get your attention again after bedtime. Combined with the change to naps and bedtime schedule I think it will bear fruit, you just have to grit your teeth for a few nights while he resists and tries to maintain the status quo.

This approach works for me - my 16month old, 3 year old and 6 year old are all in bed by 7.30 at the very latest and very rarely have a disturbed night (famous last words, I imagine they will all wake up now to spite me!). Wishing you lots of luck, sleep deprivation is a killer!

Bedtime needs to be earlier.

When you get home take him for a longish walk. Dinner, bath story, lights out. By starting your routine at 8:30 he is up and down until 11pm. So rock it back 2 hrs. Start at 6pm. He should be asleep by 9pm.

If he is up and down you need to be VERY strict and stern. Tell him he has to stay in bed and that is that. Each time walk (not carry) him silently back to his room. No TV in his room. as Bojangles said it doesn't help them sleep. You could try camomile or lavender in his room. Make sure you have light blocking curtains.

What is with these parents who let their little kids stay up after 7:30pm? I know you are at work all day and want to spend time with him. But this is the payback for working. You don't get hours to play with your child. SAH mothers don't have the income you do. DH let his kids stay up until 10:30 when they were little so he and BM had 'quality time' with them. *Smacks head*

Oh and try to make sure his Dad is fully on board with the plan and write down the schedule for him. Otherwise if he's back and forth from his Dad's house and the routine is not followed there it will make it more difficult for him to adapt. Hopefully his Dad will also be yearning for some reliable sleep.

It's possible that because he is very young to be doing back and forth overnights in two houses that he's also suffering some anxiety and that's affecting his ability to settle. The longer, calmer and earlier bedtime routine will be reassuring and should also help with that, especially if followed the same at both houses.