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SD won't sleep in her room

MommaBambi's picture

My SO and I have been together since his daughter was 5, she's now 11. Her bedroom is upstairs and ours is right below hers at the bottom of the stairs. She is extremely coddled at home, there's a lot to it that I'll probably explain in other posts eventually. She refuses to sleep in her room and insists on sleeping in the living room (which has massive windows looking into the woods) or in our room. SO is an early riser in general, but especially when he has to work or it's hunting season. We only get SD on Friday nights also. Well most times because he feels bad waking her up when he goes into the living room/kitchen to get coffee and start getting ready for his day he'll just have her sleep with me and him in the living room. I'm honestly just sick of it. I get not wanting to wake her up but it wouldn't be an issue if she just slept in her own room. We've had the conversation before and it would change things sometimes so then he'll sleep with me then just send her into bed with me when he got up but sometimes even that gets annoying because she immediately starts talking when I get up with our 4 month old (she talks A LOT, SD obviously lol) and I just want to wake up peacefully (as much as possible with a newborn) without hearing about roblox. I plan on talking to him tomorrow and really kind of putting my foot down. So I guess along with venting does anyone have any advice to get her to sleep in her own room. Oh and she's never really given a reason as to why she won't. 


thinkthrice's picture

Feel free to browse all the threads on skids not wanting to sleep in their own beds.  EXTREMELY common and the blame 99.9% of the time is on the bio parents.  You said she was coddled.   Let me doesn't want to spend what little time he has with her training and parenting her?  

Both parents are competing to see which house has the least amount of rules?

MommaBambi's picture

Dad and I are the only ones who don't coddle her. I don't think it's a rule competition because we have electronic rules they don't. And he doesn't seem to have a problem parenting her in any other sense. Idk if it's because we only get her 1x week so he doesn't think it'll work because we don't have much influence type thing if that makes sense. 

W.T.H.I.G.O's picture

I have to agree. I was given this same advice a few years ago when I first found this site. SD is now 11 and has been sleeping in her own room and bed consistently the last 3 years. I dealt with a Disney dad something fierce man... 

The main thing that worked in my case was telling SO that if this kept up we were opening ourselves up to accusations. SD11 was a story teller. BM would seriously try to get SD to tell her ANYTHING she could use to hurt people and low and behold she'd been asking about sleeping arrangements. SD used to sleep smack dab center of us every night we had her. Up too almost 8yo.

I told SO she's going to be hitting puberty soon, what are you gonna do if one night you forget it's her that's there and think you're reaching for me? Or what happens when she starts to grow and anyone that doesnt sleep with their pubescent kids finds out she still sleeps next to him? What happens when she tells someone that I sleep next to her? Since her and mom were determined to get me gone? I made it 100% clear I refused to put myself in that situation and he should also.

Something clicked in him. It took a few weeks of work because she would go back and fourth between homes (though more time with us than mom) but now she's in her own room 100%. Talking to her now it would be really weird if she still wanted to sleep with us... though, my SD acts like she's a teenager already. She's matured alot the last few years.

When I had our BD 9 months ago she was very very careful to make sure she wasn't bothering her. Oddly enough, being pregnant with her sister sort of bonded us. She's a great big sister to LO. Though, I did have her help me some so she felt like she was involved and we wouldn't get rid of her now that there was a baby (BM told her we'd drop her as soon as we had a baby. Boy did she try EVERYTHING to break us up to stop it from happening). Even if it was just grabbing a blanket for me from another room or picking up the floor so we could do tummy time, I asked for her involvement. I found that really brought us together with a common goal. Now she will listen to my reasoning as to why we should do certain things, and then she does them!

Trust me if you knew the kid I once dealt with you'd be shocked! Try talking to dad also but make sure to talk to her. Figure out why she's wanting to sleep like that and maybe give her reasons to want to sleep in her own room. Girls that age, in my experience, are starting to need their privacy and their own space. Maybe give her an opportunity to make it a special place that she put together? We let SD11 switch up her room when she wants and it's resulted in a kid we dang near have to drag out lol. That's just her space.

Winterglow's picture

So what will he do when bm goes after him for even less visitation citing sexual abuse? She should not be in bed with an unrelated adult. 

Gawd, all you want is a bit of peace in the morning. 

MommaBambi's picture

I didn't even think of that possibly happening. There's not even formal visitation in effect so that would be a whole new ballgame 

notarelative's picture

 he'll sleep with me then just send her into bed with me when he got up

Understand that accusations can be made against you too.

It's time for dad to realize that his little girl is not so little. She's 11. The average age of puberty in the US is 11. 

Getting woken up is a consequence when you sleep in the living room. It's not a bedroom. I'd be vacuuming the living room after dad left for work. I'd need to vacuum so the floor would be clean when I put the baby down for tummy time.

Winterglow's picture

I don't understand why he sends her to your bed and not her own when he wakes her. Isn't it a no-brainer that he should send her to her own bedroom and not disturb yet another person (you)?

Seems like it's time to forbid anyone who has a bed in the house from sleeping in the living room. Life would be much simpler for one and all:

Your DH could get up and get ready in the morning without having to walk on eggshells to avoid waking her,

You wouldn't be disturbed by endless chatter while you're trying to have a moment of peace and quiet,

Your SD wouldn't be woken up to go to bed elsewhere (disturbed sleep isn't good).

Besides all the other good reasons to have her sleep in her own bed, why oh why does your husband think it's agood idea to have her invade your private space? Doesn't he see what an imposition this is on you?

Playing devil's avocate here - if he resists all other arguments, ask him if he really wants to have his daughter in a space where you two regularly make love and/or have wild monkey sex ... Then tell him that it's a total turn-off for you to think that his daughter might be in there just a few hours later. Sometimes, you have to be brutal to get the message across.

ndc's picture

I told my husband many years ago (when skids were 2 and 4) that I didn't sleep with unrelated children and if he wanted to sleep with them, he would not be sleeping with me.  And if he chose to sleep with them instead of me on nights they were with us, I would choose not to sleep with him on nights they weren't.  He had them sleeping in their own beds within a few days. 

You've let this go on for awhile, but there's no reason you can't tell him tomorrow that in light of her age, you are no longer comfortable sleeping with SD and she is no longer allowed in your bed, at night or in the morning after your husband wakes her up.  That is a perfectly reasonable stance - the vast, vast majority of kids her age do NOT sleep with their parents (let alone an unrelated stepparent).  

I'm not quite sure where his brain is, either.  Who sends a kid into bed with a new mom and risks waking her or the baby? That is just inconsiderate and unacceptable. 

This would be a hill to die on for me.   


SteppedOut's picture

All of this! 

There is no freaking way a kid that old/big would be climbing into bed with me (even if they were related...non-related would have be never).

You have accommodated your husband for long enough. Put a stop to this today. 

TrueNorth77's picture

I also made our room a kid-free zone. Skids aren't even allowed in our room at all, period. It's fine for adults to have ONE place where kids don't go so we can get peace.

Also, sleeping with an SO can be hard enough, much less throwing an 11 year old into the mix. It would be a hard no from me, and bless your heart for entertaining it this long. Honestly, when you talk to DH, I wouldn't leave much room for argument. DH, we are done with SD sleeping in our room, for all of the reasons listed above- she is old enough to sleep in hers, you just need to tell her that's what needs to happen, and also explain the inconvenience she causes others when she sleeps on the couch. 

Good grief, I can't with these parents. 

Rags's picture


Inform your SO that his daughter will never again sleep in  your bed if you are in it. And... he will never sleep in YOUR bed again if he does not get this fixed immediately.

See how cosleeping emotionally incestuous daddy likes that.



Winterglow's picture

OP, have you had that talk with your husband yet? If you have, how did it go and has anything changed?

MommaBambi's picture

Not yet to be honest. Depending on our Thanksgiving plans and if we're having family stay with us or not will determine how it goes. I plan on definitely saying she's not sleeping with me. But if we have family from out of town here they're going to be staying in her room so either she'll stay in the living room for the one night and we'll start enforcing her room next week or she'll have to go on an air mattress somewhere. I'm really bad with confrontation and struggle a lot with it (something I've been working on) so I tend to procrastinate convos.

Mominit's picture

Stop looking at is as conflict or being mean.  You're looking for the next step in her healthy growth.  When she got too big for a crib she moved to a bed.  When she got too big for a bottle she was moved to food. The longer you wait the more it becomes ingrained an becomes and issue!  She is a big girl now, and sleeps in her BED, not a couch, not the floor.  Her bed, where she gets the undisturbed sleep she needs to succeed at school.  And develops the healthy sleeping habits she needs as a developing child.  You're looking out for her future confidence.  If you continue to coddle her, the older she gets the harder it will be to frame it as a sign of growing up (big girls sleep in their own beds).  And the more it will become an ingrained part of a spoiled (and unconfident) child.

Good parents parent.  They don't coddle.  They move their kids safely and appropriately down the path of their milestones.