Took me 5-6 years to learn how to disengage, and I still backslide.

I cleaned out OSD who is now SD23 Feral Forger's room. Took the door off, took out many bags of trash and donate, took the electric bed base out and the mattress, as well as a vanity with chair and we sold 2 dressers.

It now has MY cripe in it and a fishtank, my shoes and boots and purses in my bookcase, and a bunch of my clothes hanging in the closet.

FF called me last friday to move back in because her own father wasnt picking up his darn phone. I asked her "so you texted me how much you hate me...and yet you now want to live with me? How does that actualy work? I dont think that works".

Block block block that number. So then she came after me on instagram, but unsent the message so Id see it, but not have proof. "stay out of my life, no one likes you anyway!"

Block block block on social media.

And now shes living with an estranged family member. And sending her cousin screen shots of what her dad texts her. Thats how she tries to ruin relationships between different people, to feed her need for drama.

SD16 Power sulk, well she only treats me as well as her dad is treating me at any given moment. And at 16.5 has no intention of bettering herself. Lazy parenting has produced a 23 year old who doesnt drive, and no one wants to live with who has turned her back on her entire family, even her own father...and a 16 year old with D's who gets whatever she wants without having to do any work for it.

Everything has some sacred value. Multiple generations of crap.  My MIL's parent's crap incuding countless bags of their unpaid bills, paid bills, etc... after they had died, was some sacred cow that moldered around my ILs home and property for F knows how long. Nasty worn out furniture because.... someday it will be fixed or because GreatGrandPa's ass wore it out. We are not talking about a hand made piece of family heirloom furniture. We are talking fuzzy upholstered wagon wheel printed stuff so stinky and stained that it could not even be donated.

Then there was MILs countless thousands of clipped, colated, filed, shopping coupons that was going to feed the entire family and replace her State Gov't job that she quit to stay home and raise her youngest child becaus.... she had earned it.  So, her 20+ year state retirement account was cashed out, spent in less than a year, ostensibly to start her baby sitting, personal assistant, personal shopper service business in a town of less than 10,000 people where the average income is barely above the national poverty income level.

No one could touch those coupons on pain of death even though they had been expired for 10 or more years.

So, on one trip to visit my IL's I loaded up a dozen or more SUV trips to GoodWill, donated countless hundreds of puzzles (most missing some pieces dutifully noted on the cover of the boxes by MIL).  I also enlisted her own children to help haul generations of shit to the dump.  For years they all balked at that because no one wanted to piss off MIL and FIL. Once I broke the seal and hauled crap off to GoodWill, they finally grew enough spine to start de-shitting the IL's home and property.

After I hauled off piles of crap to GoodWill, I restaged their incredibly worn out furniture, put FIL's chair in a place where his home dialysis tubing would reach so he could watch TV while his fluids were cycling, and bought them a huge TV so he could comfortably watch his favorite shows instead of sitting on a folding metal chair in the hallway watching a 15Inch decades old tube television from 25ft across the room.  You would have thought I burned their house down.  They, particularly MIL, were  all kinds of pissed off about that, including about the new TV. I hauled the old one off to GoodWill before they got home when I bought and set up the large flat screen.

It has been more than 10 years and my MIL still complains about her huge TV and me throwing away her crap.  I have offered to take the TV and re-stage the LR back to the shit hole it was when I took it on myself to do something nice and healthy for them.  Oh no. She complains about what I did but in the next breath she talks about how much more space there is in the LR, how nice the TV is, etc...

After I broke that seal her own kids took over and remodeled their bathroom to make it safe for FIL to bathe. They removed the bathtug and put in a zero step transition shower, etc....  MIL still bitches about not having a bathtub.  Same answer when I dial a remodeling company to come return her bathroom to the former configuration.  Nope. She likes it... but conveniently complains later.

We did the same with yard and property filled with worn out shit. Actually it was mostly her resident in that area children.Vehicles that had not started in decades, a boat or two that couldn't float much less start the engine, etc.....   All of this crap had some mythical historic valure.A camper that was worth more if it was demolished down to the frame at which point the frame could be sold for someone to build a utility trailer on. Which is what my SIL's DH did. He tore it apart and made the frame into a utility trailer. I called an assessor to come look at it all and give an estimated value of what it was all worth. It was not worth what it would cost to haul it off.

I gave my ILs the tax receipts for the donations so when she complains about how all of that was worth so much ... blah..... blah.... blah.....  I remind her of the hundreds of dollars she got in tax deductions.

FIL passed away about 5yrs after I got the TV, cleaned out and re-arranged their living room.  He was very appreciative of that action.  Though if ianyone was there other than he and I, he was grouchy about it as much as MIL was.

Why stay in a shit hole and continue to splash around in that shallow and polluted gene pool? Sure, DH and the BM are the cause of the failed family. However, if these kids are adults, they are choosing the shit hole life.  That is on them now. At some point the problems a kid inherrits from their parents becomes the kid's problem to solve. If they choose not to solve the problem, they are embracing and living it of their own volition.

smh

Hoarding and severe personality disorders go hand in hand ... save yourself! Be prepared for things to get nasty. Narcissistic people don't like it when you see behind the mask. 

My disabled sister lived with my mother in a condo.  She had hoarded up the family home while living there alone.  When Mom returned from out of town unexpectedly, she couldnt even find a place to lay down and sleep (so stayed with me).  

Mom sold the house and moved the two of them to the condo.  Altho tons of stuff got discarded, my brother moved endless boxes of "valuable" junk.

Flash forward a few years.  Mom was able to keep her from hoarding up the rest of the condo but her room was barely passable.  One day, my sister was venting to me about how she couldnt enter her walk-in closet.  I foolishly offered to help her.  It seemed easy and I started categorizing things: to out-of-season storage, to cleaning, to Goodwill, to trash.  After about 15 minutes, I noticed her face was ashen and she looked distressed.  She said she couldnt take it anymore.  I stopped right there and never volunteered again.

It's definitely a personality disorder.