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Does it ever get better?

Jordan3312's picture

So SS5 is visiting for 10 days while he's on Fall break. Last time he was here it was for 2 and a half months over the summer so the 10 days shouldn't seem like a big deal. But this time I have a 7 week old newborn daughter and my husband doesn't have off of work. My mother-in-law is here to take care of SS while DH is at work, but I still just want the house to myself so I can focus on my daughter. She's an absolute delight, not fussy, and is almost sleeping through the night, so it's not that I couldn't handle SS and my baby girl, but I really just want alone time with her. MIL JUST left 2 weeks ago from visiting for over a month, and I have only had 10 days with just my baby and DH since she's been born. I'm starting to get overwhelmed and I feel like my house is always overcrowded.

Last time MIL visited, she blew up on me for not letting her help with the baby even though the baby had just gotten home 3 days prior after being in the NICU for 10 days. This visit, she actually threatened to call the cops on me (in my own home) and pushed me because I got upset that she and SS were loudly talking to DH while he was trying to put our daughter to sleep. I told DH before they came, I don't care if we have visitors, we need to stick to her schedule especially her nighttime routine. So that means no one around except him and I as we put her to bed. So I got upset and MIL started yelling at me saying that I'm trying to keep her and SS away from DH because I hate SS. Right in front of SS. SS started crying and I told her that I just don't want anyone in the bedroom while we're putting her to sleep. So at that point DH is still trying to get our daughter to sleep and MIL grabs SS by the arm and pushes him into our bedroom and tells him to go hug his father. I wanted to hit her. I didn't. But i wanted to. We got into a pretty nasty yelling match and I felt horrible. Horrible that i let her get the best of me and right in front of my daughter. I need to be better for her.

DH set up a "family meeting" the next day and we hashed it out and both said our apologies, but it's still driving me crazy. The silver lining of this visit though, is SS behavior has drastically improved, but even his presence still hurts me. We were all in the living room tonight watching a movie and I look across the room and see SS snuggled up with DH and our daughter on her Boppy right next to them. And instead of a warm and adoring feeling towards DH for being all cuddled up with his 2 children, there's still resentment and a coldness in my heart. It's almost like I look over and see his ex. I see her so much in their child together and my heart drops. I don't want him here. And I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I took everyone's advice and disengaged, making it 100% clear to DH that I am in no way shape or form responsible for SS while he's at work. And that has helped tremendously as far as the stress and pressure that I put on myself. But that resentment still lingers. Does it ever get better?

Comments

MurphysLaw's picture

Is MIL is a First Rate Nutjob.

If she as much as looks sideways at you in the future, call the law and have her ass REMOVED from your home. 

Jordan3312's picture

During our the little "family meeting" DH set up, I told her that if she ever puts her hands on me again, especially in my own house and in front of my child, not only would I call the police and press charges against her, I will make sure she will never see her granddaughter again. She got very quiet and said "okay." So I don't think that will be an issue anymore. Hopefully.

Overit36's picture

DH is supposed to be your number one advocate. It’s not your place to argue with his mom. You and DH came to an agreement about how y’all want to raise your daughter, he has to step up to his mom and stop being coward. Let him know he’s really letting you down by not being able to stand up to her and back you up. Also she should not be disrespectful. You should not be in a place where you are defending anything. Next time I would remain silent and speak to him afterwards about it. MIL will respect it more if it comes from him.

Jordan3312's picture

I agree. DH kept telling me that since he didn't see his mom push me, that's why he didn't say anything. It wasn't until the next day that he told his mom that he felt responsible for our argument because he knew the rules and didn't enforce them. After that, MIL apologized to me because she said DH never told her they werent supposed to be in the bedroom. But I do have an issue with staying silent. I really need to work on keeping my mouth shut instead of saying how i feel right then and there. 

notarelative's picture

MIL needs to learn that if you say no, it is no. She doesn't have to wait for DH to speak.

Overit36's picture

DH is supposed to be your number one advocate. It’s not your place to argue with his mom. You and DH came to an agreement about how y’all want to raise your daughter, he has to step up to his mom and stop being coward. Let him know he’s really letting you down by not being able to stand up to her and back you up. Also she should not be disrespectful. You should not be in a place where you are defending anything. Next time I would remain silent and speak to him afterwards about it. MIL will respect it more if it comes from him.

ntm's picture

No skids visiting if DH can’t take the time off to care for them. I put my foot down on that and just like magic two weeks uninterrupted in the summer went away. 

Jordan3312's picture

So SS lives out of state with BM but they live in the same town as MIL. DH has no court established custody/visitation rights and is in the Army so he's only able to leave our current state like twice a year. Since that's not a lot of time to see SS, MIL arranges visits where SS comes out to us, but MIL accompanies him since he's only 5. And since I made it clear to my husband that i won't be responsible for SS when he's here, MIL takes care of him for the most part. 

Siemprematahari's picture

If your H is not home SS shouldn't be there. Can MIL make arrangements to stay some place else with the child so she/SS are not in your space? Rent an AirBNB? All bets would be off the moment she put her hands on you.

 

Jordan3312's picture

I've talked DH about them staying in a hotel in the past when my mother was planning on being out here the same time his family was. We have one guest room and I told my husband that since we have a newborn, less people in our home would be better, so his family should stay at a hotel (it was MIL, FIL, BIL, and SS) and my husband said absolutely not. He will not have his family spend extra money to stay in a hotel because they have helped us out so much financially with the baby and because "it's family." So i don't think that is an option. But after this visit, I think I'm just going to tell DH that if he wants to see SS, he needs to go visit him, because I really don't want them coming back. 

Siemprematahari's picture

So SS lives out of state with BM but they live in the same town as MIL

When your H is working why can't MIL pick up SS and be in her home since they live in the same town? Your H is not home anyway so it makes no sense to travel to your house with the kid and he's working.

Jordan3312's picture

SS is at MIL home all the time because they do live in the same town. But DH and I live a couple states away from them and DH only gets a to see his son a couple times a year due to his work schedule. So during SS school breaks, MIL wants SS to come visit his father. Unfortunately, DH cannot get that same time off. So MIL stays here to watch SS until DH gets home from work. I've told her that just because SS has school breaks doesn't mean he can visit especially since DH isn't off work. Her reply is "well then SS wil never get to see his father. So we'll take what little time we get."

Goodluck's picture

Your husbands first obligation is his wife...not his mom, not his brothers, sisters etc.

Are you living on post?

 

simifan's picture

 

Given that he only sees SS a few times a year, I'd suck it up. However, I'd put DH on notice, if his mother cannot behave like a civil adult, she will not be welcome. Plan yourself some outings - such as hitting the mall, seeing friends, etc. so you won't have to interact with her much. Planning outings for them might help too - hey, got you guys a groupon for the zoo. Smile