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What to do ... What to do ?

Wonderlust89's picture

Hello everyone, this is my first post on here. I found this while googling my "problem" and thought why not just post and see what I get back from you all. Well here's my story ... I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 50. He has triplets with his ex-wife who we refer to as, "Satan." I'm not going to get into details but she truly is a "piece of work" (to say the very least.) Their kids are 15 and will graduate in 4 years. Boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. When we initially met he wasn't divorced but separated (she had almost a dozen affairs in their 20 years of marriage) and finally he had enough. The divorce process took a long time due to her wanting all his money but it officially ended about a month ago. From day one he's been the most amazing, sweet, loving, genuine person I've ever met. I was burnt a couple times before him and when we met we both were "done" with love but something happened and we changed our minds. I knew he had kids and a horrible (almost) ex-wife but true colors of the kids and her didn't show until about 6 months ago. It seems like the closer to the finish line (of the divorce) the worse they all got. She ended up getting a lot of money from him and very little debt; while he is facing bankruptcy and is struggling to pay the basic things ... It's very sad to see/hear. He's such an amazing and loving man - he's seriously a dream come true and who I believe to be my "match" ... except his "baggage." Sad His kids are awful to him! I've never seen teens act the way that they do towards their parents before. I myself was a handful as a teen but these kids make me look like an angel. They've seen how their mother acts over the years and they've mirrored her behavior now. I myself never wanted kids because I wanted to travel the world, move to the west coast, have a successful career and be 'free' in life. As you're probably thinking, what I want and what my boyfriend has to offer isn't exactly the same. I know this and that's why I'm so torn right now. I love him so very much but I absolutely hate my current job and location - I crave the ocean, clear blue skies, sunshine, and liberals ... not snow, ice, coldness, gray skies, and conservatives. SORRY this is NOT a political thing, I'm just trying to explain the general area where I fit in best. There's nothing wrong with being conservative, I'm just more liberal in my thinking/ways. Anyways, I'm seriously thinking of saving as much money as possible and following my heart out to Cali in 6 months. I know that my BF won't be able to come because he had kids and it breaks my heart. We've spoke about being together forever and getting married and our future. He hates where we currently live too but he's stuck here until his kids are graduated - 4 more years. He asks if I can please just wait until then or at least another 2 years, he thinks they'd be older and wiser by then but I just keep worrying that even if I did stay for 4 years, how do I ensure they actually break free from "daddy?" What if I give him 4 years then they're still around. We cannot afford 3 teens in Cali. I make good money and could provide for him and I but not 3 teens. To be honest, they're not mine so why should I have to anyways? I know I sound like a horrible person who is extremely selfish and I am but I'm also a very loving and caring person. If his kids were the kids I met, I don't think it'd feel these emotions I do when they're around. It's very very hard to be "nice" and want to do this and that when they're complete spoiled brats who do nothing for my boyfriend except make demands and cuss at him when he doesn't do exactly what they want. I just feel so torn Sad I feel like I've finally met my Prince Charming and we'd have such a wonderful life together ... but these kids make things so difficult. I just don't know what to do? He's even admitted that his kids are brats and they've been spoiled over the years. He doesn't know what to do with their behavior issues (example: they refuse to go to school most days and when he starts taking their crap away, they'll call him every name in the book and one time they even slapped/pushed him) I really really hope someone can tell me what they think?? DO I try to stick it out another couple years to see if things get better then hope that in 2 years he will move with me? I told him flat out that I will NOT wait 4 years, I'll do 2 and at that point he can either come or stay and we'll do long distance. I don't feel this is unreasonable considering they'll be 18 going into their senior year of hs and their mother is in the same city we all live in. OR do I just start making my plans to move in the next 6 months. I know he will be heartbroken if I tell him this is what I'm doing and I will be too. I just don't want to waste my life away and currently I'm so depressed about everything, I need some reassurance that cutting my ties is the best for everyone; or if I should try to hang in there another 2 years. In a perfect world, he'd just move with me now and he'd see them during summers and Xmas break but I know that's wrong of me to even think. Again, this may be selfish thinking but from what I've read on here, people don't judge and we've only got one life - I think we deserve to be a little selfish.


RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

IMHO, move to California. Look, your fifty year old boyfriend is waving a twenty-five year old in his ex-wife's face. It sounds like they haven't even been divorced a year, or are not quite divorced? Your boyfriend was openly dating a woman only ten years older than his own children before the divorce was even final. Those kids are always going to hate you. The ex-wife is always going to hate you. What your boyfriend did was not classy, to say the least. Run. Run far away to California. Don't even stay in touch with this guy. Date a good guy your age with no kids. That's what I think, for whatever it's worth.

Wonderlust89's picture

Separated for a little over a year and divorced about a month. She had a bunch of affairs during their marriage and after the last he called it quits. I agree about the kids and ex wife always hating me due to my age though, and you're saying exactly what my friends are saying as well.

Family loves the guy because he is a great guy - the baggage is just A LOT for someone with none.

Thank you for your reply ... A lot to think about, ugh

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

You are very welcome. I am not much older than you. I am twenty-nine. At nineteen, I got involved with a guy with a kid who was five years older than me. At twenty-one I got married. At twenty-nine, I am now divorced and co-parenting my twelve year old stepdaughter with my mother with whom she lives full time. I am here from the future to tell you that you want to move to California, get a tan, and drink tequila with your friends.

Wonderlust89's picture

I take it you would've made a different choice back at 19 if you knew what you know today? I appreciate your own story, it's another "wake up call" for me.

TX2step's picture

Leave this nightmare and enjoy your freedom in Cali, you are too young and full of life to be saddled to up to this dog and pony show.

Wonderlust89's picture

Just the title of your message makes me realize that I'm wasting my life here on all this and Cali never looked better

Thank you for the reply

Ladystark's picture

Ugh i only read your 25 and he is young and old only work out a few times, and no matter what anyone says or tells you- they will always think its about the money.

I agree with rainbow too, once you do not glitter anymore,your gone anyway!!

Wonderlust89's picture

I think all those stories I've heard about young and old working out are very rare Sad Thank you for commenting

notsobad's picture

Don't put your life and dreams on hold for anyone.
You will only resent him if you do.
If he truly is your Prince Charming and it's meant to be, it will work out. If he isn't you've dodged a bullet.

Wonderlust89's picture

I actually copy/pasted your message into my email to refer to. I guess I keep going back to the stupid saying, "love conquers all ... " I don't think it really does or life would feel a hell of a lot better right now and reading some of the other stories on here makes me believe that as well. Thank you Smile

notsobad's picture

You don't have to give up the idea that love conquers all,

It can. It will just have to conquer the physical distance instead of the problems of his kids and ex.

You can make any saying fit into your life, it's called spin in politics.

What's important is to DO what makes you feel happy, joyous and alive. Living where you are is doing none of that for you. You might get to CA and find nothing has changed, that it's about you not a place.
Or you could breath a huge sigh of relief and wonder why it took you so long to move.

You control your life and your destiny through your choices. Make those choices based on your needs, not someone else.

Good luck to you! I'm sure you'll make the right choices and if you don't, well then make new choices!

lintini's picture

He'll only come up with more excuses to not move in 4 years...."skid thing one didn't turn in his application to college and has to live with us....skid thing 3 is pregnant and needs our support.... skid thing 2 decided to take a year off school and wants to live in the basement and play world of Warcraft all day.....

Ditch this guy and run, don't ruin your life. It never ends even when they move out.

Just J's picture

I'm with the others, this is just too much baggage for someone with so much ahead if her. You're so young, there are many, many men in your age range that do not have children. You don't want to waste your young years, being unhappy, and wake up in your 30s where the dating pool is only men with kids. And trust me and the others who have said it doesn't end at 18. I have a 27 year old stepson still living with us, and he moved in AFTER high school. And there's really no end in sight because he has zero incentive to move out, and my DH will not ask him to. Though I will be dropping hints in the next year and then way less subtle ones if there's still no prospect of him leaving. I WILL NOT have a 30 year old stepkids still hanging around, and I honestly don't know why he'd want to.

Kes's picture

His nightmare progeny are NOT going to morph into nice young people in 2 years - believe me. It strikes me he's being quite selfish in wanting to tie a young woman half his age, into this difficult situation. I can't see you still seeing him as "Prince Charming" a year or two down the line. Just a feeling in me water Dirol